Merry Christmas and a MoronFree New year to ALL

Wishing you all the best...

Pregnancy with a Moron - Part 4

So my last trimester of pregnancy was my most action packed one, in more ways then one. I was on sick leave – as per the doctor’s orders – and was getting a little scared. My blood pressure was rising as well as my little Pixie’s inside of me. But considering what was going on outside of the womb, I guess it was to be expected.

The Moron was in full force the last couple of months of the pregnancy. I can only assume it was the encroaching responsibility of a little person, and the increase of $$ it would mean bringing one into this world. Yep, probably the money thing, sad really that the Moron’s nemesis was some printed paper.

As I was resting – as per doctor’s orders – and of course worrying about the health of my lil Pixie, the Moron was trying to get me to get a job under the table. I wasn’t paying my way, you see.

As I was trying to figure out how to make some money (with all of my muscles in my stomach and abdomen – and some I didn’t know I even had – were in agony) the Moron went into the studio and sold things for super cheap. All of my art and creative musings, “ Five bucks, everything for five bucks” he would tell customers.

As I was selling all my prized possessions, and all that gave me some joy (such as my dirt bike, which he threw in my hand painted helmet for free to the new owner) the Moron said we had to sell my car and go down to one vehicle.

Let me explain that we lived about 30 minutes from the nearest town (population 2500) and about 1 1/2 – 2 hours from the closest “real” town (ie working hospital). Being home alone – let alone with a newborn baby – without a vehicle would be absolutely crazy, not to mention unsafe.

The Moron earned a really good income, but it was considered “HIS” money. Up until this point, I didn’t care about that, being a non-materialistic person that I am. I think he just couldn’t overcome the struggle of being out o control of every situation. And let me tell you – babies will do that to you. You really have no control over them, they have their own way :)

I loved my SUV – and I HAD BOUGHT IT MYSELF, but, I had a small amount left owing on it, and no idea how I could pay that off as the Moron refused to help me, and my maternity would not cover that expense as well as pay for all of the new baby stuff. This is what angered the Moron. And the closer I came to my due date, the more outraged he became. With my savings blown from the bathroom, I had nowhere left to turn, and I started to spiral downwards.

I think as the Moron stepped up the Emotional and Financial Abuse, I felt more and more trapped, and realized that this was no way for a child to be raised. I started to see the light. I think the whole time that this little entity was growing inside of me, my innerself was also growing – growing stronger, growing wiser, growing more authentic. I think the Moron could sense me pulling away, could sense something happening on a level he could not understand. But he had to step it up, as losing was not an option for him. The Moron would joke about killing me in my final month, but salvaging the baby – and I would never get to meet her. He would joke about hiring OJ Simpson’s lawyer to get him off.

The Moron’s depression/anger reached its heightened state when he told me that if I ever left him, he would kill me and take the Pixie away from me forever…

This fear that was instilled in me – is still there. That is something that will never leave you, no matter what is said and done. Some things can never be undone. You can live through them, work through them, but it is always there...

Moron Free Live Chat Tomorrow Night

I think we are about due for another live chat, folks. I know you guys have been craving one :) So tomorrow, Thursday November 18 at 9:00pm EST. This will little get together will happen in my BlogFrog Community. 

So come on over, my community is full with some amazing ladies and gentlemen. Many whom are abuse survivors (though not a prerequisite to the chat).  If you want to catch up on what was discussed at the last chat, you can do so here and here.

If you have been on the fence about joining in, now is the time! Come over and introduce yourselves! We have a great group of women right now dealing with dating a moron, in the middle of divorcing a moron, surviving a moron, and getting ready to gear up for court with a moron (and everything in between). Or if you just feel like dropping by... there is a little something for everyone!

So hop on over to my community this Thursday and join us. We would love to see you there!

The Bathroom that almost never was...

We lived in an older house. I thought it was cute, we had some land, and it was secluded - things I now know my Moron loved in his attempt to isolate me. It had two bathrooms; a main one, and an en suite. The main bathroom was a very interesting one, that I am told was quite popular in the 70's. I have never seen this type before, so I just thought it weird. It was set up so that it was two separate rooms, with an adjoining door between. I think the idea being that one could have a shower, without hogging the whole bathroom, and someone else could use the toilet while having their privacy. A total waste of space, if you ask me.

Anyways, the plans since we bought the house, were to knock out the middle wall (and door between them) and make one big bathroom, with a beautiful tub and separate shower. The Moron did not like spending money, but many people agreed with me, that it would increase the property value of the house - so he relented.

In about my first trimester of pregnancy, the Moron tore down the wall. I was getting pretty excited as not only was I ecstatic about being pregnant, but I was going to get the bathroom of my dreams too. Well, you know how they say you shouldn't count your chickens until they're hatched...

Well, you shouldn't be happy about a bathroom until the walls are up, mudded, and the bathroom fixtures are back in. Which was going to be a long time....

I had this gorgeous claw foot tub in which I had shipped from home (I bought it at an auction, for peanuts) that I had refinished, including the original oak rim. This refinished tub had cost me a pretty penny, but I had saved for a looooong time. ANd I was so looking forward to a long soak in this gorgeous 6 foot tub. Everything was ready, except construction had stopped on my dream bathroom.

Being on sick leave and about 7 months pregnant, there wasn't a whole lot that I could do to help. Not to mention that I could barely see my toes anymore. The Moron got wind of how much this bathroom really meant to me, and how much I wanted to soak in that tub... suddenly he refused to do any of the labour and all of a sudden said that we didn't have any money to pay for the renovations.

Staring at the main bathroom (which at the moment looked like Wolverine had clawed it all to hell) I did what any self respecting, pregnant wife of a Moron would do. I started to cry. And after I dried my eyes, I pulled out all of my RRSP's and found the money to finish the renovations. I was on a time line, I did not want the drywall dust to be flying in the middle of winter when the baby was born, and certainly didn't want all this construction to be happening adjacent to her room.

Luckily the Moron worked 12 hour shifts, and had gone on a vacation for a couple of days, and a friend of the family helped with the drywall.  At 8 months pregnant I mudded and primed and painted that whole damn bathroom by myself, and pulled every single muscle in my stomach and abdomen doing it. But it was done!! I knew I would hear it from the Moron when he got back - but at least it would be done! And just for clarification, he was mad because I had enlisted the help of his sister's boyfriend to put the drywall up - it portrayed him as being less than perfect and unable to handle things himself. This was FAILURE in his eyes - the ultimate death. Promoting him as less than perfect to the world - was unforgivable, and always came with a price.

But I also got my bathroom, and to this day, I still think it is the reason that the house sold...

Pregnancy With a Moron Part 3

If you just started reading, you can check out the first part of this story here, and the second part here.

SO the Moron wanted to take me out on a romantic date, he said.  He said that we hadn't spent any quality time together so he was going to take care of all the plans for this weekend.

Saturday morning he woke me up early. I was now in my eighth month of pregnancy, and on sick leave and ordered to take it easy. I wasn't sleeping that much as my big belly, as I am sure all of you Moms can attest to, was feeling very uncomfortable and my little Pixie was fluttering up a storm at night time. For some reason I always got my best sleep through the early to late morning. So - it was no surprise that the Moron had to take that away from me, all in his bastardized version of love.

So up I get. I ask him what we are doing.  He tells me to dress warmly.  I ask if we are going to be outside.  And this is where he reveals to me his glorious date plans.

He tells me we are going to get firewood.

Lucky Me, not only married to a Moron, but one that has the romance of a mushroom...

Yep, your reaction is pretty much my reaction. But I try to conceal my disgust surprise, and try to gently explain that I am not really in any condition to be cutting down or carrying firewood. To which, of course, I hear how he had spent so much time planning this, and do I not want to spend time with him, and what did I expect out of him a plane ticket to France?

Funny how a Moron can twist anything. Of course this leads to how he works hard all day, and I just lay on the couch all day long, and we need to get firewood for the wood stove to cut our heating costs.

Did I mention the Moron forced us to live in sub-zero temperatures in order to save money? Yep, even wore hat and gloves in the house at times. Though I raised the thermostat every time he left, eventhough he forbid me to move it past 15 degrees. Yes, he actually used those words, forbid. I got some really deep satisfaction as I watched him drive from the house as the furnace fired up...

Anyways, after grumbling and sulking for a bit, the Moron finally said if I expected to have it above 15 degrees when the baby came, I had to help with the wood.  So we loaded the dogs up int the truck, and off we went...

I think the Moron purposely cut the biggest trees he could find that day. And after an extra long guilt trip and underlying threats, I started to load the wood into the truck. As the day went on, the pieces got bigger - and when I refused to carry the larger pieces (not to mention I had a hard enough time tying my own shoes as a result of my pregnant belly, at this point) he lost it and I picked up a rather large piece of wood.

Pop, pop, pop went my belly. It felt like rubber bands snapping in my belly, and the pain wasn't too shabby either. I of course was being a 'baby' and this was when he pulled out the wieners and decided to have a campfire. There was nothing I could do but wait for him to be finished and decide that he was ready to go home. I knew all too well that the more I asked, and especially pleaded, the longer he would take. Morons love control. And we were miles from civilization. So I bested the cold and pain and didn't give him the satisfaction of knowing how much agony I truly was in.

Coming up next, the bathroom that never was...

Pregnancy With a Moron Part 2

If you just started reading, you can check out the first part of this story here.

I knew the moment I was pregnant. I knew I was going to be the mother of a little girl. And it was a dream come true. For nine months this little entity grew inside of me. For nine months, I silently grew stronger, and my life began to change just as my body began to change. As my body grew rounder, my inner self began to change as well. I was growing stronger...

I went on daily walks, this time there were two of us. I would talk, and sing to her. And I would promise her that I would do my best to protect her.

If any of you have been pregnant, then you know how sensitive your nose can become – and how volatile the reaction to smells you can have!!! Normally I love fish – but holy cow, the smallest scent of fish could send my gag reflex into immediate reaction!

Now the Moron was NOT a fish lover, but what do you know, after learning about my immediate and often intense reaction he became a fish lover. Gotta love the Morons – they bring cruelty to new levels!!

I still can perfectly recall the very first time I heart her little heartbeat. It was the single most amazing little sound I had ever heard. In my last couple of months of pregnancy, my blood pressure shot up and the swelling increased in my hands, feet and ankles dramatically. And when I heard that sweet little heartbeat (they listen to it every check-up) it was so fast. Her heart, as well as mine were racing, and the doctor didn’t necessarily put me on bed rest – but gave me a note to take sick leave from work and to lie down with my feet up for at the very least 4-6 hours a day.

One day when I was home, the Moron decided he wanted Swedish meatballs for dinner, and put them in the slow cooker. Now holy meatballs batman – this stunk up the whole house, and I was having difficulty not vomiting every minute. SO I aired out the house and moved the slow-cooker to the porch outside.

Well, you’d think that I had shrunk his favourite clothes or something because the grief I received from that was absolutely crazy!!! He said I was attracting bears, and it wasn’t meant to be used outside (on a covered porch, I might add). And well, needless to say I spent the night in my SUV again, content, though cold, and him thinking he had won.

When I came back the next day the Moron was in a strangely happy mood. This of course always made me extremely leery. He wanted to go on a date that weekend, as he had “missed me” and we hardly spent time together. He was going to plan the romantic getaway, and everything… boy was I in for a treat…


to be continued...

Please Forgive Me

I am in the midst of uploading and inserting some original drawings by moi, that might help tell my story... So I totally apologize - especially those who have subscribed to my feeds. I will hopefully be done soon. Please forgive me for this annoyance, and enjoy the pictures :)

Pregnancy With a Moron Part 1

From the moment I knew I had this little entity growing inside of me, there was a shift. A change in my being. A growth of something more than just this precious being, flourishing in my belly.

( this very cool pair of photos are not mine, but I have unfortunately lost the website I got them from, so if anyone knows could they please let me know so I can give credit where credit is due, thank you kindly! )

I was so excited. And I knew right away that I was pregnant with a girl. I was going to eat right, exercise right, and just enjoy every stage of my pregnancy. I felt like I was glowing from the inside out.

Now, let me tell you, there's a whole lotta things that no one ever tells you about pregnancy. And if you are about to be a first time mom I will offer you up a word of advice; throw away those damn pregnancy books. Talk about scaring the begeesuz out of you!!!!

First, my boobs grew 2 sizes in the first month - Hello stripper boobs! They have never left (maybe have gotten a little less perky) but you know, somehow I still haven't gotten used to them ?!? Gone are my bra-less days :( But on a good note, I can now fill out some tops or dresses that merely used to hang on me :)

In the first trimester - your body is undergoing such work, I suppose, that you are simply always exhausted. Try being exhausted with a Moron who never feels you do enough of anything the whole day - and you are guaranteed to be totally run off your feet!!

I spent many a nights in the back of my SUV, while I was pregnant. It wasn't so bad until it got really cold. I had made a Huge pillow for the back, for our dogs to lay on, and it was actually quite comfy. So when the Moron was in one of his moods, or would tell me to leave, or be in one of his moods, and refuse to leave; I would just get in my car and drive up a country road...

It actually made me feel a lot more safe and protected, then sleeping at home, and the Moron thought he had "won" so there was no major repercussions when I came back. I would always store some food in there and such. The only annoying thing was the constantly peeing at night, and those damn coyotes sniffing my ass!!!!

to be continued...

Moron Free Live Chat #2

We are going to have another live discussion about Living Moron Free, on Wednesday October 13 at 9:00pm EST. This will little get together will happen in my BlogFrog Community. 

So come on over, Wednesday night, my community is full with some amazing ladies and gentlemen. Many whom are abuse survivors (though not a prerequisite to the chat).  If you want to catch up on what was discussed at the last chat, you can do so here.

If you have been on the fence about joining in, now is the time! Come over and introduce yourselves! We have a great group of women right now dealing with dating a moron, in the middle of divorcing a moron, surviving a moron, and getting ready to gear up for court with a moron (and everything in between). Or if you just feel like dropping by... there is a little something for everyone!

So hop on over to my community this Wednesday and join us. We would love to see you there!

I also just wanted to let you know that this site will be under construction for the next little while, as I have BIG plans happening... so please bear with me...

Ditch a Moron - Save a Life

Here are the results of our latest poll :

NAME OUR MOVEMENT

As you can see, "Ditch a Moron - Save a Life" won by a landslide...

We now have a new slogan, so get ready for the bumper stickers and hats. Get those Moron Free flags a-waving, because our movement now has a name, yeehaw!!! Seriously, let's get the word out to help prevent victims of abuse.

Get ready to take our movement to the next level.... are you all with me?

Miss Suzie Q - Fighter and Survivor

I would like to take a moment to express thanks to a Miss Christina Aguilera for a song that kept me going, and still keeps me going... If my Moron only knew that all that he has done to me, has just made me stronger and the formidable woman I am today...



After all you put me through
You'd think I'd despise you
But in the end
I wanna thank you 'cause you made that much stronger

Well I thought I knew you, thinkin' that you were true
Guess I, I couldn't trust called your bluff time is up
'Cause I've had enough
You were there by my side, always down for the ride
But your joy ride just came down in flames
'Cause your greed sold me out of shame, mhm

After all of the stealing and cheating you probably think that
I hold resentment for you
But uh uh, oh no, you're wrong
'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do, I wouldn't know
Just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you
'Cause it

Chorus:
Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Never, saw it coming
All of, your backstabbing
Just so, you could cash in
On a good thing before I realized your game
I heard, you're going around
Playing, the victim now
But don't, even begin
Feeling I'm the one to blame
'Cause you dug your own grave, uh huh

After all of the fights and the lies
Yes you wanted to harm me but that won't work anymore
Uh, no more, oh no, it's over
'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture
I wouldn't know how to be this way now, and never back down
So I wanna say thank you 

How could this man I thought I knew
Turn out to be unjust so cruel
Could only see the good in you
Pretended to not to see the truth
You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself
Through living in denial
But in the end you'll see
YOU-WON'T-STOP-ME

I am a fighter and I
I ain't goin' stop
There is no turning back
I've had enough

Chorus:
Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Do you have a song that keeps you going?

Another Blog Award

Just a quick post today... am working on some really BIG things and of course have very little time to actually incorporate them into my world...

I received this award twice :) So, a great BIG thank you to the following two ladies; Jo Frances from Over 40 Style and to Pandora from Peace from Pieces for giving me this great award :) Yay ME !!!

Denial and Biological Clocks Don't Mix

Marriage life was, well, married life. And marriage to a Moron, well, was at times like a prison sentence. But you survive day to day, and don't even think about the why.

This was the person I had chosen to spend the rest of my life with, and dammit, I was going to make it work. Whenever the topic of children came up, they were always followed by money. Because my Moron was all about power and money, well one fed into the other.

I am not sure of the things that we tell ourselves, the blinders we put on, the special glasses that block us from seeing what is directly infront of our faces - DENIAL in its fullest.

I always knew I wanted children. Here I was married, and not getting any younger... and my biological clock was a tickin'...

After one more time of his leaving, and us getting back together, we decided a child was what we needed to complete this family.  I cannot tell you what craziness sometimes takes over you. I cannot explain to you how you rationalize things and make them sound so perfectly in your head.  I can tell you I am an intelligent woman - but sometimes your intelligence just goes out the window, and your desire takes over.

Desire to lead a normal, happy life. Desire to have a child and family that you always wanted. Desire to be "living the dream" even when you are in the middle of a nightmare.

So we tried for a child. It took us one day. Yep, one day (and thank goodness cuz my Moron really ain't all that - and there is only so much denial that can be going on)!

I knew right away I had conceived. I knew right away it was a little girl. And a part of me knew right away I was in for the fight of my life...

Can a Moron Change it's Spots?

First off I want to thank the lovely ladies who attended the live chat we had last night in my BlogFrog Community. I was able to connect with a great bunch of ladies, get some great new blogs to follow as well as interact with fellow women who have been with Morons.  Since they are rather unoriginal characters, our former Morons were all very much alike and we shared some extremely comical stories as well as some great insights. Those who were unable to make it, I will be doing another one soon!!!

This actually is a nice segway into today's topic of leopards changing spots. Do Morons ever stop being Morons? I know it's possible, only because I am a believer. I believe in the intrinsic good in people. I believe people can overcome the largest of hurdles. I believe the world as a whole to still be a good place - despite the odd nut job. I believe if you want something bad enough, and work hard to get it, anything is possible.

However, a Moron's belief system and life code is not built upon mutual respect or building up of one's partner. Morons are all about dominance and tearing down one's partner. Moron's crave power and control, and unless something extremely drastic changes in their lives, and they let true love into their battered and black little hearts, than no transformation can occur. And this takes a lot of work, and self work is what the Moron shies away from the most. Funny how the Moron keeps running away from himself and never gets away???

So what makes a Moron a Moron is the old nature vs nurture debate. I instead, choose to re-direct my energies towards making better decisions for myself and in essence, hopefully steering clear of all Moronic species in general.

Do YOU think a Moron can change its spots?

Living Moron Free Live Chat Thurs. Sept.16 9pm EDT

I am hosting a live chat at my BlogFrog Community tomorrow (Thurs. Sept.16 9pm EDT). And would love to have you there. If you aren't a BlogFrog Member, sign up is absolutely free and painless, and you can even be completely anonymous should you so choose, or hook your profile to your blog and use it to promote your website. Up for discussion is living Moron Free, sharing some of your stories, learning you aren't the only one, who fell in love with a Moron, or dated, or married, or whatever.... kinda like group therapy with your girlfriends :)

So come on over, tomorrow night, grab a drink (you can type one handed) and some cookies (I know I will be having something with chocolate in it) my community is full with some amazing ladies and gentlemen. Many whom are abuse survivors (though not a prerequisite to the chat).

Hope to see you there !

Birthday Gifts From a Moron

Birthdays were always times I looked forward to. I mean who doesn't love parties, the cake, and of course - the presents!! I think that was why my Moron decided to ruin every single birthday that I had whilst knowing him. Looking back, the man probably made it his mission to systematically screw up or destroy every ounce of joy, my birthday could possibly produce - since I enjoyed them that much.

This may sound paranoid on my part, but looking back, and knowing the true Moron (not the one I fell in love with, but the one that was really there) that would be something he would do. Can you imagine living that kinda existence? Can you imagine all the energy and negativity balled up in you to focus so greatly on systematically shattering someones life? Almost makes me feel sorry for the guy. Almost.

Let me give you a rundown of the top three birthday gifts I received while sharing destroying my life with this Moron.

1. Nothing (this was actually quite popular, and it doubled as the stand by for Christmas gifts too)
2. A washing machine hose (I believe this one was so we he could hook up the washing machine to run only cold water to save the most precious of things - $$$)
3. A sprinkler (with the $9.99 price tag intact)

Classy, eh?  It's a good thing I am not materialistic.... although, had I been, I might have saved myself a decade of torture, and would have had mountains of expensive gifts to quell my sorrows...

Funny thing, still had fun on my birthday - just pissed him off even more! Had my little "woe is me" moments, but I usually came around. NOW, they are back to their glorious splendor :)

What are some of the worst birthday gifts you have received?

Morons Glamorized ?

Have you seen Eminem & Rihanna's music video for "Love the Way You Lie" ?

If you have not heard the song or seen the video - be prepared for some explicit language and an intense tale of domestic abuse amidst a whole load of flames.  The video version of the song stars Lost star Dominic Monaghan and Transformers star Megan Fox.

I am actually a HUGE fan of this song.  If you take away the hypnotic melody and cool beat, and can look past the cursing - lies the domestic violence cycle, in hip lyrics. It's a trendy stand on abuse, and it's about freaking time!

In my view Eminem is a kind of urban Shakespeare, in which he breaks down the cycle of domestic violence in rap poetic prose. And Rihanna's hauntingly sultry voice cuts in with the illiterating part of the trap of how and why an abused victim stays in this type of relationship, always holding onto the lies.



The video has been classified as glorifying abuse by casting pouty, sexy star Megan Fox, of course scantily clad with explosive make out scenes along side a pretty chiseled Dominic Monaghan. Rihanna and Eminem (in a cliche wife beater) also strut their stuff.

Yes, it has been glamorized and even Miss Suzie Q wished she looked that good while being tossed around, LOL.  But seriously, it just pretty much guarantees the exposure of this video, and hence this message, our message, to stop Domestic Violence.

I jest, but sometimes you need some lightness to approach such a heavy subject such as abuse. The stats alone would wear you down and literally make you cry. Harder if you are a parent. But is this the way to go?

I think one of the biggest messages of all, is the fact that Rhianna is the other part of the duet. Kudos to her for not brushing her past under the rug, and choosing to make a stand. Albeit in her scantily clad leather shorts and high heeled boots, but a stand none the less. Showing that abuse transcends race, socio-economic, and class barriers. Perhaps that in itself is a message worth sending.

Is the platform or venue as important as the message? Is it possible that the tweens of this generation can see past the lipstick, and the low cut shirts and chiseled abs to hear the message?

Let's hope so. Perhaps we should be targeting this generation in a suitable media they would understand... Tailor the venue to target the audience. Most importantly, GET THE MESSAGE OUT.

Instead of attacking the scantily clad messengers, we should be promoting THE MESSAGE. But then again, there is no such thing as bad press - so they say. So perhaps the message is getting out anyway.

What are the chances of the next, next generation being Moron Free ? It's a nice thought. This girl might even don some lipstick and some hooker boots to get the message across... yeah, no, not so much.

What do you think?

Married to a Moron

So, I was now married to a Moron. Funny how the earth did not move, nor did the married life seem any different than my former one.  Actually that was not true.  I became even less of a "partner" to this man to whom I was betrothed. If that was even possible.

I was no Domestic Goddess, but I could cook, and my housekeeping wasn't spotless - but I was clean. When I cooked dinner, most of the time the Moron would purposely choose to make his own, as I sat there in awe...

When I would make his lunches for work, the Moron would purposely leave them on the counter, and get mad because how dare I choose to decide what he ate for his lunch.  He would bring canned goods to work.

And come any work function, I was always the butt of every joke.  And there were many of them.... And we would sit down at our table, and we would start to eat, and then it would start...

"... nice to finally get a home cooked meal, eh?"

"... better then the canned crap you eat at work?"

Looking back I can see the cruelness in his everyday, and it is pointless to dissect the why. For it doesn't matter, it is done and over.  More important to me, is the why I stayed, and allowed myself to be treated that way, as I am sure all of you are thinking...

Years of abuse takes its toll, and denial is a warm blanket used to comfort oneself when the truth is too cold to bare. You laugh along, and choose to view the world as you want to see it. Especially when you cannot conceive of the cruelties that others spew, it's easier to give the benefit of the doubt, or laugh rather than cry.

Pay it Forward - Creative Gifting

Just for something new I decided to join a Blog Hop today at Blue Frogs Legs. Kelly always does some cool stuff for her Pay it Forward Fridays, and thought I would join along today by sharing a cool butterfly my daughter and I (more her than me) made out of stuff around the house. We had a lot of fun :)

We made it out of q-tips, and beads, and string, an old shirt, feathers, nylons - you name it!!!

My daughter has a friend that is under the weather, this is sure to cheer her up :) Don't forget to sign up for the Blog Hop and paste the code on your blog!!!

Triggers - Wish I Was Roy Rogers...

I wish my Trigger looked more like Roy Roger's infamous horse. Instead it is countless little movements and feelings that bring me back there, and paralyze me with fear.

As I write this now, I am years away from when I got married. I am years away from my separation, and a couple of years away from my divorce. But the wounds are still there. And just because the imminent danger is not glaring me down ... it is still there. It's hard to move on, from something so painful. It's hard to learn to live again, when something was taken. It's hard to regain, when something is lost.

The nightmare is over, but not forgotten, and even those close to me cannot understand the lasting impression something like that, makes in your life. To describe it in words is impossible to someone who has not been there. To describe the fear of your child's life or the everyday paranoia that was felt, is irrelevant to someone who has not experienced it.

There are the smallest of moments that choke me, when I realize that the fear is still there, lying still inside of me, and may never be gone. The smallest of moves that someone makes, and I am frozen as I am transported back to a place that resembles my Moron's existence - and ultimately my own.

Places and words can transport me back in an instance, even if minutely. Friends and family have no idea of the toll this has taken on me, as in their mind it is over.  They cannot comprehend that it is important to ME that I say goodnight to my daughter, or that I be afforded the duties of being her mother.

What others don't realize is that when you have been fighting for your life and of that of your daughter, then you have a different connection to them, and that certain things are more important to you then if you hadn't almost lost them. I have no doubt that most Mothers like to kiss their babies goodnight and make sure they are safe and sound. When you have almost lost your child, this becomes a little more important, even when the danger fades. Its something normal Moms, can't comprehend, nor should they.

Somethings you just can't get over, you just find a way in dealing with them. Like losing someone important in your life. You can never get them back, instead you find a way to move on with their memory intact.

Part of my healing is learning to find my triggers, and releasing them. But keeping my senses strong. Sometimes it is difficult to decide if this is a trigger, or if this is my spidey senses going off. After years of pushing down my authentic self, in sense my intuition, I still am finding my way listening to it.

But learning to release my triggers, is another way of releasing myself of the Moron's hold. Ultimately you cannot control what someone will do to you. And that is a hard one to grasp, while fear has a grasp of you.

As with all of life's obstacles, finding your way, the journey to the other side, is the important piece. It's the part where you learn and often re-learn the things you need to know. And when one journey is over, another one begins. Life is funny that way. Always another hurdle. So for tonight, I will count this one a win. Sometimes I get caught up in the struggle, sometimes i lose, and sometimes, like tonight, I remember that I am in control. I am in control of how I choose to live, and learning to do it without fear.

Mark it on your score cards boys, another win for Miss Suzie Q.

My Beautiful Beach Wedding - Despite the Moron

So off we went to Mexico. I think a part of me kept hoping for a LOUD and DISTINCT sign that this was a mistake. But no plane crash, no hurricanes, no guests dropping from heart attacks...

It was however a beautiful ceremony, on an absolutely beautiful beach, at a beautiful resort. I am very glad we decided to go this way. Had we had a typical wedding ceremony, I would not have been able to look back on it with fondness. In this case however, there was no "real" hassles (which meant fewer BIG fights) and I could enjoy the sun, the surf, and being with family :)

Probably to the outside world, we looked like a cute, happy couple, getting married on a beautiful beach, surrounded by our loved ones... Ah, to have seen my life thru someone else's eyes...

The ceremony itself was in Spanish, and was translated (rather roughly). Absolutely beautiful. Though, I think it lessened the impact of our union. Looking back, somehow, I think the gravity of the situation was lost in translation. It didn't really seem real, and didn't really seem like a big deal. Because I believe it should be a BIG deal. It is a very important step, and a super intimate bond that is forming.

And as I looked at my Moron, sweat beading from his brow, I didn't feel that impact. I just felt the sun...

I was determined to enjoy those two wonderful weeks there, and I must say I am incredibly resilient, and have an amazing capacity for viewing the world as half full!! Oh, and can't forget my old friend denial, she kept me company, here and for many years after.

My Moron was a moody sort, but I had lots of places to see and people to go with :) And did I mention the food??? To die for! Had lots of that, as there was little happening in the bedroom - if you know what I mean!!! I can be creative with excuses, but somehow stupidly thought this trip, our union, would spice up my desire... not in the least.

I learned later on in life, that loss in sex drive is a very familiar side effect of abuse. And has more to do with your partner than you. If Morons only knew this... they just may change their ways :) Well, probably not...

Money is, and probably will always be, the most important priority in my Morons life, sadly. And eventhough it was my parents who paid for our vacation (our wedding present) I was on a strict budget, and could not buy anything without his permission. But he was an unworldly sort, and didn't know that credit cards worked everywhere ;)

So my beach wedding was beautiful, and the trip still holds some very good memories for me. The Moron however, is in very few of them, amazingly. Funny how that is! The Moron also took all memories of this day (photo albums, wedding DVD, etc) when he left. Why? My best guess is that it held many photos that I had no duplicates of, as they were of and from my family. Vindictiveness rages strong in a Moron.

My BlogFrog Community

Hello all :) I have started my own BlogFrog Community. It is a very neat place to share ideas, discuss Moron disinfectant, exchange stories, learn Moron shedding techniques, learn about great blogs, discuss life, share Moronlore, find and gain readership... and it's absolutely free :) I have met some of the most amazing people here and intend to use it as another platform to further our Movement.

However, I am still stuck on a name for our coveted Movement. SO please vote to the right and/or leave a comment stating your choice for the name of the Movement. Something catchy, something unique, but above all - something fitting!

Feel free to stop by my BlogFrog community and leave a comment and/or suggestion for a name there.

Have a great weekend!

Wedding Plans

I was engaged. To a Moron. Foolishly, I thought things were going good... Boy could my perspective have been further off.

I am often amazed at my own personal ability to rationalize things, despite all the red flags - sometimes flares that were going off...

I had gone home for a visit, and my mother and I had found the perfect dress, well I had found the perfect dress - she of course had other ideas. And although I entertained those ideas briefly, I went back to the first dress I had found, which I had fallen in love with, and I bought it. It was gorgeous. Not at all princess like, fun, flirty and perfect for our beach wedding.

We had decided to have a destination wedding as it avoided all the pitfalls, the planning, the decisions (the fights), dealing with my mother in law, the having it in the little northern piss-ant town we lived in, and to escape my life as I knew it. Problem is, my focus changed to the "wedding" instead of the "marriage". I actually think this happens alot, in many different forms. For me it was just the focus I needed to temporarily distract me from everyday life with a moron, and concentrate on a wonderful day.  On my quest to convince myself I would live my happily ever after.

So my mom visited before the BIG day (she had to travel as we lived on the other side of the country), and was helping me shorten my dress so I wouldn't trip in the sand. Silent, uncontrollable tears just kept falling from my eyes. One by salty one, they flowed down my new gown as I stood on a stool, as my mother put pins in my new wedding dress.

After a while, my mother asked me what was wrong (not big on open discussions in my family). I said that I didn't know. In truth I didn't. In truth my subconscious self was grieving the loss of my authentic self as she had taken a back seat. She had stepped out of the driver's seat of her own life and was desperately trying to get my conscience self get back in there. Unfortunately I was still in denial, and was choosing not to listen.

I can remember my mother asking, in her way, if I wanted to call it off,  "Even though the invitations are sent, trip is paid for, plans are made, and everyone's flights is paid..." Yep, the guilt clinched it, I had made my choice, the course was set.....but the tears kept falling...

The Moron-Free Movement

DO YOU KNOW A MORON?

This is our most recent poll. Only 13% of you are blissfully happy and Moron-proof. 32% of you have avian friends with colourful carpets, and 18% of you share DNA with a Moron - lucky you! And 37% of you should've spent the day in the psych ward.

What does this say about our world? Well for one, there are more morons in this world than there are needed.  Another thing is we have to spread the word. Morons beware. There is a movement coming. 

We need T-shirts and secret handshakes, and a catchy phrase. Well, seriously we only need the catchy phrase. And we need to educate our daughters, sisters, mothers, friends and co-workers. We need to stand up tall and proud, and not stand for this unacceptable Moron behaviour anymore. 

I am trying to come up with a name for our movement......help me out here...

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Well I had denial working for me, and hadn't learned how to create boundaries yet, so I stayed in my crazy world and convinced myself I was happy. And there were many moments of happiness.

Like the time I tried to start my own art business, and built a beautiful art studio on our property. I was so proud of myself for going after my dreams, and making a business plan, and getting the loan to build it.

Problem was my moron didn't like it when I was happy, it meant he couldn't keep me under his thumb. I think his real fear was that it meant I might discover that happiness was what I really wanted, and he would lose me. Better to beat me down, then have no fear of me leaving. It's funny how he ultimately created what he was most scared of... just took me awhile...

I had definite moments of clarity in the many years of living with my moron. And we broke up quite a few times. Problem was I obviously could not decide whether to ultimately stay or go, always got sucked back in. I always believed things would be different. The truth looking back, is that I knew it wouldn't be any different. and Why would it be? History had proven to me time and time again that it wouldn't. But I hoped it would be. That is the difference. Recognizing what you want and what you have, are sometimes two very different things.

Until you can tell the difference of reality (which isn't easy with a moron manipulating you and your world) and what you wish your reality to be, then you are stuck, and you have given up your control to someone else.

I was OK with buying a house and living with a guy, but I had traditional values, and there was NO way I was going to have a child without being married first. It’s just what I wanted, not really sure why, but it was something that was important to me. Maybe because it's that final commitment that is given when you marry someone. Maybe because you have some sort of accountability (or so I thought) and it meant that you had chosen this person to live with for the rest of your life with…

One day during one of my moments of clarity, I had decided that things needed to change. We needed to see someone. I had this feeling, like an itch at the back of my brain, that yeah I had some stuff to deal with, and yeah, we had some normal couple stuff to deal with, but there was something up with my moron. Something that really had nothing to do with me. Something that would put whatever girl he was with right in my shoes.

I realize looking back now, that was the first moment I knew I was in an abusive relationship. The first moment I let me conscious self in on that little secret. Or at least a glimmer of it. While we were at couples therapy that day, in the middle of the session, my moron stood up, and said "that was it". He was done. We were done. And walked out.

I remember being shocked. The counsellor was shocked too. And I went home, and he moved out for two weeks. I remember feeling relieved.

What I didn't know then, but can see so clearly now, was that The counsellor was getting close to the problem, he was making my moron sweat, and he could see he was losing his control over me. He had to cause a commotion, shake things up, take our focus away from actually getting to the root of the problem - the abuse. And it worked.

And I fell for it hook line and sinker, again. For two weeks he lived at a friends place, and when he came back, he was a changed man! He had learned, he had been saved, he had seen the error of his ways, he had felt the hurt and pain of losing me and now he knew what he wanted. I was the girl of his dreams, and wait for it... yes, he wanted to marry me.

Bet you can see where this is all heading...

Denial - The Waiting Room

We lived in our house for many years. Like everything in life, there was some good and some bad. I guess the test is does the good outweigh the bad? Does the good make all the bad worth it? I have one word for you here:

Denial

Denial is quite the amazing thing. I think there are uses for denial, because I believe at this stage we are getting ready to act to do something. At the denial stage we have not let our consciousness know what is exactly up, as there is FEAR of repercussions. There is FEAR that something has got to change. Something needs to be different. Difference and change can be very scary things, and sometimes our subconscious self knows that we are not quite ready do deal with these… and we stay in that denial place until we are ready to do the work. Until we are stronger and fortified enough to plough through whatever we need to, to come out the other end of the change that needs to happen.

I believe our Authentic selves each owns a map and compass to our lives. The trick is being in tuned with her to read them. The denial stage is like a BIG waiting room, and we can sit around and read many good books, and meet interesting peoples here, but we have work to do, and it doesn’t get done in the waiting room. Your Authentic Self knows there is work to do, she even knows what you are supposed to do, and how you are supposed to do it!! They key is to be open to listening. And this isn’t always easy!

Pay it Forward Friday

Kelly at Blue Frogs Legs does this amazing thing every Friday.  Remember the movie Pay It Forward, well she promotes that kind of love, sharing and giving every Friday. Last Friday she was visited by a young girl asking for donations for the local women's shelter; you can read about it here. And that prompted her to challenge her readers to Pay it Forward to their local shelters.



Today that is what I am doing. I think it is such a great idea, and you never know what life may throw at you, trust me!! And there are so many things you probably have lying around your house that could be so very useful if not important to some of these woman who have to leave their houses at a moment's notice. Unused toiletry items, gently used kids toys, baby items. These are all greatly needed. Call your local women's shelter and see what they need, and donate it!

Today I challenge you to so just that! Donate to your local Women's Shelter. And then come back here and tell me about it.

And while you are at it, check out Kelly's site http://bluefrogslegs.blogspot.com  you'll be sure glad you did!!

Versatile Blogger Award

Well apparently, I am an extremely versatile blogger. I have been given this award by three distinctly different and absolutely amazing ladies. Thank you so much to Mona from More Milestones, Alaina from View from Down Here, and Cori from Cori's Big Mouth. You should definitely stop by their blogs, they are a delight.

Apparently I now have to share 7 things about myself:

1. I love Disney Movies.

2. I have a secret desire to be a spy.

3. I have always wanted to learn how to fly.

4. I am a born driver. 

5. I dream in colour and think in pictures.

6. I believe in magic.

7. I like to eat raw potatoes with salt.

Life With a Moron

Life with a Moron is very unpredictable. And that’s how they like it. It’s easier to keep those around you in control, when they are walking around on eggshells and easy to knock over. When you do not know what to expect, but at the back of your mind are expecting the worst, the focus is off if this type of behaviour should even be tolerated, and instead focused on what to do when…

This keeps the Moron’s victims always off kilter, while the whole time alluding to the ever popular, “it’s you, not me” feeling. Morons have a way of making you feel a little crazy. Of making you do a double take on your own thoughts, feelings and insights. Morons often utilize the help of your family and friends to bring these feelings home. They create situations with their incredible manipulative skills to appear to those closest to you, that you are in fact losing a bit of your mind, and reduce your credibility. This makes them second guess you, and most importantly, you second guess yourself. And there they are swooping in like a knight in shining armour to “save” you from yourself, and make you more dependant on them.

Morons prey on your weaknesses and chip away at your strengths in order to feel better about themselves, and ultimately have the feeling of power over you. In the beginning this can be confused with a “Knight in Shining Armour” persona. But it is in fact a very devious and underhanded way of gaining power and control over you.

Check out The Moron Code, for further Moron signs and insights. In my opinion, the most important one being: Actions speak louder than words.

Living a Moron-free existence now, I am able to reflect and assimilate knowledge. I am able to focus and learn how I allowed myself to be manipulated and contorted by my Moron. I am such a believer in knowledge and education being key. It is only with knowledge can we learn from our mistakes and perhaps even impart some of our wisdom to others to help navigate this wonderful life – in a hopefully Moron-free existence.

Roller Coaster Ride

Living with my Moron was like a roller coaster ride, although the price for the ride was high, at times it almost cost me my life.

In real life I have always preferred the old, rickety, wooden roller coaster rides. The ones that really rock you about, and twist and turn and shake you in your seat. In my private life I thought I wanted less drama than that. I was under the impression that I wanted my fairytale romance. Problem is, the romance that is shown to us from fairy tales, and Hollywood always seem to involve drama.

The BIG kiss, the fight that almost broke them apart, the huge misunderstanding as a result of the meddling best friend, the ultimate epic romance. These are the images and stories we are blasted with from the time of our conception, and they get linked into our psyche, and can be hard to interpret. Especially when you have a Moron taking you on a roller coaster ride with all the highs and lows, and drama you could imagine.

After all, aren't you supposed to stand by your man? Isn't your prince supposed to rescue you from the fiery dragons, and fight for you against all odds? Doesn't passion mean the explosion and fireworks and doesn't all of that equal love?

It has taken me 30 some odd years to figure out the true meaning of love, and that love exists also in the quiet times..."Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres" (Corinthians 13:4-8).

Perhaps the next time I will stick to the roller coaster rides at the amusement parks, and seek true partnership and love found in my much enlightened view of true love. How about you?

Life with a Moron - Boundaries

Life with a Moron can be pretty interesting. At times it can be pretty intense. At times it can be downright unbearable. And at times it can be pretty amazing. And that's the catch. There is a reason we fell in love with these suckers to begin with!!! If someone was 100% evil, we could spot them a mile away. Let's face it, even Hitler had to have at least one or two redeeming qualities in him amidst all the psychoness!!

When they are on their upswing, Morons can be the sweetest, most romantic, generous, spontaneous, affectionate human beings on the planet.  It is however that downswing, that kicks you in the ass and reminds you that your life is not all fairy tales and roses. It is more like dodge ball on broken glass, because you are always walking on eggshells around your Moron.

I think one of the reasons I stuck with my Moron is the same reason I am an optimist. (Because let's face it, no other reason I could have stuck around with the loser if I wasn't) I see potential in people very clearly. It's the same way with anything really.  I see great potential in things that others throw out or abandon, broken down houses, unkempt gardens, and apparently lost souls.  And although this is generally a good character trait, here is where it gets me in trouble. When I see the potential ABOVE what is reality, even when it is spitting me in the face. When I am gently trying to coax out that inner potential, within close contact of someone who is bestowing upon me a massive volcanic eruption, and am more worried that the lava will harm them and not me.

Unachieved potential, to me, is one one of the saddest things in this world. I am learning to realize, though, that I can aid and support someone to fulfil their potential, but they have control whether it comes out or not. And I have control of how I will or will not allow someone to treat me. Boundaries. I am learning to place mine, and hold them strong. Once you understand that no one can make you feel anything, you have control over that, it really does shift your way of thinking. Knowing something and understanding something, really are two distinct things.

Boundaries are still difficult for me to establish, but I am getting better at holding them and making them as permeable as I decide. Choice. What a new concept.

More Morons in This World Than Needed

Check out our poll below, a little disturbing, but probably closer to being representative of our population then we would like to think.

HAVE YOU EVER DATED A MORON?

Violence against women is a serious issue in this world. This does not even take into account emotional abuse, which often goes undetected to those around the victim, as there are no bruises or physical evidence, only emotional scarring - that often takes longer to heal. Here are a few facts that may shock you (from the Canadian Women's Foundation):

• Half of Canadian women (51%) have experienced at least one incident of physical or sexual violence since the age of 16.
• Every minute of every day, a Canadian woman or child is being sexually assaulted.
• One to two women are murdered by a current or former partner each week in Canada.
• Spousal violence makes up the single largest category of convictions involving violent offences in non-specialized adult courts in Canada over the five-year period 1997/98 to 2001/02. Over 90% of offenders were male.
• Thirty-six percent of female victims of spousal violence and less than 10% of victims of sexual assault reported these crimes to the police in 2004.
• Physical and sexual abuse costs Canada over $4 billion each year (factoring into account social services, criminal justice, lost employment days and health care interventions).
• Violence against women occurs across all ethnic, racial, religious, age, social and economic groups. Some women are more vulnerable however, and are more likely to experience violence, including women with disabilities, geographically-isolated women, young women and Aboriginal women.
• Women are five times more likely to fear for their lives as a result of spousal violence: the violence or threat of violence was so severe that 38% of women feared for their lives compared with 7% of men.
• Violence against women affects children. Every year in Canada, up to 360,000 children are exposed to domestic violence.
• For children who are exposed to violence, consequences can include emotional trauma, depression, injury and permanent disability, as well as other physical, psychological and behavioural problems that can extend into adolescence and adulthood.
• Some victims never tell anyone about the abuse: they may feel ashamed or embarrassed, or fear being stigmatized by others.
• She may be reluctant to report the abuse to the police, either because she fears retaliation, does not believe that involving the criminal justice system can help, or fears losing her children.
• Shelters for abused women do more than provide emergency housing and food for women and their children: they offer counseling and support to help women rebuild their lives, programming for children who have witnessed violence to help them heal, legal advice, and assistance finding affordable housing. Many shelters also raise awareness in their communities about domestic violence.
• The cost of operating shelters for abused women in Canada totals more than $135 million each year. Shelters play a critical role in stopping violence against women, but are only part of the solution. Support for women involves a wide range of services and programs that both prevent abuse (e.g. teaching youths about healthy relationships) and help abused women rebuild their lives after violence.

Scary stuff. Good news is that we can affect change. We can educate our daughters, mothers, sisters, grandmothers, and granddaughters. Education truly is key. I believe in the power of change. I believe in the power of people I believe in myself. I am proof that through understanding, counselling, perseverance, and self-love, healing can occur, and the cycle of abuse can be stopped.

Help stop this vicious cycle. You too can do your part. Abuse is more prevalent than you think. It takes on all sorts of moronic forms. Help rid this world of abusive moronic behaviour, and make it a safer place for us all to live.

Check out the moron cures to the side for some information, or contact your local women's shelter/centre.

Blog Award x2

What can I say but I am almost speechless!!! I have won a blog award twice by Kelly at Blue Frogs Legs and by Kimberly at A Spicy Boy, a Cat, and My Fat Ass. I guess that means I am moving up in the world! Eat my dust ex-moron!!! (Although he is still a moron, he is just now my ex....) Anyways, I'll try to not let this go to may head, LOL!

I guess first I must sum up my blogging philosophy in 5 words. Holy Heck, OK, here goes...

lessons learnt from living life

There. And now I am supposed to pass it along to 10 others:

1. A Dose of Positivity
2. Life Forward
3. Cori's Big Mouth
4. View From Down Here
5. On This Journey Called...Life
6. A Southern Belle with Northern Roots
7. This Mom Loves
8. This That & Then Some
9. Dutch Being Me
10. just stuff

Thank you Kimberly and Kelly. I encourage everyone to check out these great worthy blogs!

The Moron Code

There are many different types of abusers morons, and a lot of us don't even know that we are with one of them. Until we are hooked, and the patterns have been set.

Morons thrive on weaknesses, they are like cattle who walk that fence line until they find that hole or chink in the armour. Then they go for it. They hit you below the belt, then while you are off balance, find some way to blame you for your fall. Then comes the flowers and offers of forgiveness. And then the cycle continues again. Every time, something just a little different to throw you off enough not to be able to expect it, and that way you are forced to walk on eggshells. Focusing your energy on trying to avoid the next blow up, instead of saying WTF???

Morons are king manipulators and master weavers. Weaving in and out of the truth and deception. Smoke and mirrors are a moron's tools, conjuring up stories and making you feel like you are the one going crazy, continuously keeping you off balance and looking in the other direction.

Morons are cowards. And must strike you down to make themselves feel better. This of course is usually a long and drawn out process, otherwise you would be on to them. Slowly stripping away, little by little, the best parts of you.

Morons isolate you from your friends and family, and make you dependant on them. It makes them feel important and worthwhile, meanwhile forces you to give up some more control to them.

Morons tell you one thing but do the opposite.
Remember this always:  Actions DO speak louder than words...(a useful moron spotter).

The moron's energy is fear. And they use yours against you, shamelessly.

Morons are people too. They look like me and you, and are often thought of as "a great guy".

Morons were morons before they met you, you did not cause them to be, nor turn them into morons. Perhaps their past has played a large role in turning them into morons, perhaps it's a conscious decision on their part, perhaps it's the only way they know of interacting. Just know they are choosing their paths, as you are choosing yours.
If you are with a moron, there is hope for you. But YOU have to make the decision to stop the pattern.
If you are a moron, there is hope for you. But YOU have to make the decision to stop the pattern.

When you know better you do better.

I am glad to say, I now know better, even though I may be a slow learner...

Our House

I am sure you are all waving your hands wildly, the way you do when watching a horror movie as the soon to be victims are heading straight for the killer, and shouting, "run the other way!" Yep, I walked straight into that one, let's just plummet deeper into this cavernous hole...

Well we bought the house together. Funny that I say WE, because it was actually my large amount of dollars that was put towards the down payment.  Funny that I say WE, because that was the problem, there was never actually a WE. There was a me, a dwindling me, but a me nonetheless. There was a him, and he just kept getting meaner and more power hungry, another little foible to add to the long list.

I kept making excuses for him, the new responsibility of the house, he had a stressful day, the list was endless. I never heard the end of it how he worked so hard, and all I did was take, take, take. So I took on more work. I had three jobs. I averaged about 120 hours a week - but never even close to earning the same amount of pay as he did. Therefore what I contributed wasn't equal. For someone who was so unmaterialistic, I sure was focused on money. But the funny thing was, not for me. We still had separate bank accounts, and I had no real insight to what was coming and going. Because I was NOT a money oriented person, it wasn't important to me how much was coming in. He had financial control of everything. And I was OK with that because I blindly trusted him. When you could never perceive to deceive someone a certain way, the thought never enters your mind. Perhaps one of my little foibles, I gave trust where it should have been earned.

But I had the house, and my prince (so what if he had a foible or two...), and I wasn't afraid of a little (or a lot) of hard work. I just ploughed away at the work, in hopes that the rest of my dreams would come true. This is what happens when you have the misguided notions of someone elses happiness. Or trying to fit a little girl's dreams into a woman's fantasy. Make believe and reality often don't mix, and sometimes you don't get your happily ever after...

Innocent or Guilty?

Almost a year had gone by of living together. He had learned the most important things about me. He had learned everything he needed to know to make give up just one more thing. Slowly this super independent woman was becoming super dependant on him. He was extremely cunning, and slowly pried me away, and I stupidly followed.

Guilt. That was my kryptonite. That is what worked on me. Guilt that I wasn't doing enough. Guilt that I wasn't giving enough. Guilt that I was following my dream, while he slaved away at a job he didn't like (kinda forgot to factor in that he had chosen this occupation way before even knowing me). Guilt that I had a university degree. Guilt that I had talents that I recognized. You name it, he guilted it! And I kept falling hook line and sink her!! And I was sinking. I believe I fell into a little bit of a depression. Trying so hard to give this man everything, I was depleted. Trying to be my positive self to compensate for all the negativity, is exhausting!

I am nor have ever been a quitter. And I was determined to make this work! My wiser self could now recognize that moving on and quitting are two different things. My younger self just kept trying harder, giving more, doing more, being more, working more. Problem is, there is still only the one little me, and I just could not cover all these bases without losing parts of me along the way.

I think I was a pretty naive, innocent sort. My mother used to laugh and say she though I would be a virgin well into my 30's. Not quite true, it was mid twenties. By I was pretty innocent, and pretty trusting. Those rose coloured glasses sure didn't help. My life wasn't feeling too rosy and something deep down inside me knew it. I was very lost. Looking back I can totally see why. I was floundering and was desperately trying to find my way, but was using some one else's compass.

I finally started listening to that inner voice. I decided I needed to make a change. It was going to be BIG. Another change. A big change. I was going to move back east. Good, make my way back to where my heart belonged. I was going to start my own business, I had my little nest egg squirreled away, and was going to make my mark.

But I was still the innocent sort, and when my so-called prince jumped in and pledged his undying love for me and dumped the guilt of leaving true love, and threw in a house he would buy for us to move into so we can raise a family....

The Honeymoon Phase

Ah yes. Everyone knows this phase of the relationship. The part where we hold our tummies in, laugh at unfunny jokes, burp out of ear shot, pass gas out of the room. The part where we know the outer layer enough - but its that exterior knowledge. Not the core stuff. Not the stuff that's in our inner core where we let it all hang out and scratch and sniff ourselves in all our explicitness, without fear of repercussion or judgement. The good times.

When dealing with a man who is a great chameleon, I am not sure if you ever get to see the core. I am not sure if he even knows what exists at his core, and which ever changing exterior he is to wear. I would imagine it to be an exhausting task, changing personalities and keeping them all straight. Being wound so tight, and never having the ability to just BE, even in his pathetic existence, but to just be, nonetheless.

So having the apparent misconception of support from my new found prince, I forged on in my life as I made a huge career change, trying to get in touch with my inner artist. My first mistake (I later found out) was pursuing my dream. How dare I strive for happiness. How dare I find the courage to forge my way back on my path to happiness in all aspects of my life. After all he had given up finding his, what gave me the right to search for mine? Here I mistook his controlling nature for a firm understanding and willingness to help me succeed, only catch was, I had to play by his rules.

Lucky me, I had found me a Knight in Shining Armour with a deadly sharp Hook and a fear of horses...

Looking back now, after years of therapy, I can see the picture unravel and his little hooks and webs creep into every aspect of my life. It is so clear to me, sitting years later with my new found enlightenment and perch. Looking down on my younger troubled self, ploughing through determined to find acceptance, but slowly giving up the best parts of myself. All in the name of what was believed to be LOVE. Because isn't that the greatest reason, after all?

Moving In Together

Beware those relationships that go wayyyyy to smoothly in the beginning. Beware the man that is over the top gracious, opens doors for you, pays all the bills, incredibly generous, and is seemingly perfect for you. There is no such thing as perfect. I am not perfect. Why I expected to find something that didn't exist, was beyond me.

Perhaps I fell into the "finding my prince" trap, although if you could see my ex, he is the farthest thing away from being a prince (I guess love is truly blind)! We are brought up with these ridiculous notions that love is grand, the world is a beautiful place, and that your prince will come along, sweep you off your feet, and you will live happily ever after... Wrong, he was a BIG toad, but I was determined to make him into a prince. One more mistake I made. A square never fits in a round hole!!! If he isn't what is right for you, stop making him the one, or ignoring the fact that he never will be...

So we rented our first place together after only knowing each other for a short while, love is a wondrous drug, which sometimes limits our rational thought! It was a bit of a dump, but it had what we needed, 2 bedrooms, kitchen, bathroom, living room, dingy basement. The idea being that the second bedroom would be my "creating" room.

Beware the man who seemingly supports your endeavours (though secretly resents you for it). I saw the first part, blindly oblivious to the second. What one often "loves" about a person is often the thing that one "hates" the most in the end.

I think I wanted, and needed someone to complete me, someone to be the perfect idea that I had in my head, that I was determined that was how my life was going to happen - regardless of what was actually happening... and thus while trying to "create" my fairytale romance, his hooks kept getting deeper and deeper...