I wish my Trigger looked more like Roy Roger's infamous horse. Instead it is countless little movements and feelings that bring me back there, and paralyze me with fear.
As I write this now, I am years away from when I got married. I am years away from my separation, and a couple of years away from my divorce. But the wounds are still there. And just because the imminent danger is not glaring me down ... it is still there. It's hard to move on, from something so painful. It's hard to learn to live again, when something was taken. It's hard to regain, when something is lost.
The nightmare is over, but not forgotten, and even those close to me cannot understand the lasting impression something like that, makes in your life. To describe it in words is impossible to someone who has not been there. To describe the fear of your child's life or the everyday paranoia that was felt, is irrelevant to someone who has not experienced it.
There are the smallest of moments that choke me, when I realize that the fear is still there, lying still inside of me, and may never be gone. The smallest of moves that someone makes, and I am frozen as I am transported back to a place that resembles my Moron's existence - and ultimately my own.
Places and words can transport me back in an instance, even if minutely. Friends and family have no idea of the toll this has taken on me, as in their mind it is over. They cannot comprehend that it is important to ME that I say goodnight to my daughter, or that I be afforded the duties of being her mother.
What others don't realize is that when you have been fighting for your life and of that of your daughter, then you have a different connection to them, and that certain things are more important to you then if you hadn't almost lost them. I have no doubt that most Mothers like to kiss their babies goodnight and make sure they are safe and sound. When you have almost lost your child, this becomes a little more important, even when the danger fades. Its something normal Moms, can't comprehend, nor should they.
Somethings you just can't get over, you just find a way in dealing with them. Like losing someone important in your life. You can never get them back, instead you find a way to move on with their memory intact.
Part of my healing is learning to find my triggers, and releasing them. But keeping my senses strong. Sometimes it is difficult to decide if this is a trigger, or if this is my spidey senses going off. After years of pushing down my authentic self, in sense my intuition, I still am finding my way listening to it.
But learning to release my triggers, is another way of releasing myself of the Moron's hold. Ultimately you cannot control what someone will do to you. And that is a hard one to grasp, while fear has a grasp of you.
As with all of life's obstacles, finding your way, the journey to the other side, is the important piece. It's the part where you learn and often re-learn the things you need to know. And when one journey is over, another one begins. Life is funny that way. Always another hurdle. So for tonight, I will count this one a win. Sometimes I get caught up in the struggle, sometimes i lose, and sometimes, like tonight, I remember that I am in control. I am in control of how I choose to live, and learning to do it without fear.
Mark it on your score cards boys, another win for Miss Suzie Q.