Friday, August 27, 2010

Triggers - Wish I Was Roy Rogers...

I wish my Trigger looked more like Roy Roger's infamous horse. Instead it is countless little movements and feelings that bring me back there, and paralyze me with fear.

As I write this now, I am years away from when I got married. I am years away from my separation, and a couple of years away from my divorce. But the wounds are still there. And just because the imminent danger is not glaring me down ... it is still there. It's hard to move on, from something so painful. It's hard to learn to live again, when something was taken. It's hard to regain, when something is lost.

The nightmare is over, but not forgotten, and even those close to me cannot understand the lasting impression something like that, makes in your life. To describe it in words is impossible to someone who has not been there. To describe the fear of your child's life or the everyday paranoia that was felt, is irrelevant to someone who has not experienced it.

There are the smallest of moments that choke me, when I realize that the fear is still there, lying still inside of me, and may never be gone. The smallest of moves that someone makes, and I am frozen as I am transported back to a place that resembles my Moron's existence - and ultimately my own.

Places and words can transport me back in an instance, even if minutely. Friends and family have no idea of the toll this has taken on me, as in their mind it is over.  They cannot comprehend that it is important to ME that I say goodnight to my daughter, or that I be afforded the duties of being her mother.

What others don't realize is that when you have been fighting for your life and of that of your daughter, then you have a different connection to them, and that certain things are more important to you then if you hadn't almost lost them. I have no doubt that most Mothers like to kiss their babies goodnight and make sure they are safe and sound. When you have almost lost your child, this becomes a little more important, even when the danger fades. Its something normal Moms, can't comprehend, nor should they.

Somethings you just can't get over, you just find a way in dealing with them. Like losing someone important in your life. You can never get them back, instead you find a way to move on with their memory intact.

Part of my healing is learning to find my triggers, and releasing them. But keeping my senses strong. Sometimes it is difficult to decide if this is a trigger, or if this is my spidey senses going off. After years of pushing down my authentic self, in sense my intuition, I still am finding my way listening to it.

But learning to release my triggers, is another way of releasing myself of the Moron's hold. Ultimately you cannot control what someone will do to you. And that is a hard one to grasp, while fear has a grasp of you.

As with all of life's obstacles, finding your way, the journey to the other side, is the important piece. It's the part where you learn and often re-learn the things you need to know. And when one journey is over, another one begins. Life is funny that way. Always another hurdle. So for tonight, I will count this one a win. Sometimes I get caught up in the struggle, sometimes i lose, and sometimes, like tonight, I remember that I am in control. I am in control of how I choose to live, and learning to do it without fear.

Mark it on your score cards boys, another win for Miss Suzie Q.

33 comments:

Sarah said...

You are such a beautiful INDEPENDENT woman Suzie!

I'm afraid I will never know the struggles you go through on a daily basis but reading your blogs helps me to understand a little more.

I have a lot of admiration for you!

daisy said...

Yes it seems you are certainly fighting the chains that bind.... Peace and love...

Suzie Q said...

Thank you Sarah, that is very kind of you to say :)
Fighting and Winning I would like to think, Miss Daisy ;)

bcnaat said...

You are doing great. It takes years to sort out the fight/flight fears in our lives after being abused.

Its been 15 years and even though I can look at a picture of him and be okay, but I still can't be around him without those old triggers popping up.

Rachel C. said...

It takes a great deal of courage to share your vulnerabilities with us the way you do. My moron, while surely moronic, was not nearly to the degree of your own experience. I may not be able to empathize fully, but I can certainly relate!

Tough Cookie Mommy said...

I completely understand how you feel. Although I was not in an abusive relationship, this is my second marriage and it has taken time to get over old insecurities and experiences from my previous marriage. Almost 13 years later, I am a new woman in a wonderful second marriage with a blessed life. Stay strong and keep your head up.

Chaplain Donna said...

Hi Suzie,

I'm just getting to know your story and I think it is great for you to share. A wonderful book by Joyce Meyer's called Beauty for Ashes is great. I certainly helps the healing process.

Donna said...

I am not sure the triggers ever really go away. They serve as a scar, a scar that reminds us of a wound. For some a deep, deep wound for others just a few stiches...but whatever the wound we learn from it, and a reminder from time to time can be helpful if it doesn't incapacitate you. I find my triggers come when I least expect them. so what triggers the trigger? This life is for learning, growing, getting better, shaking it off and going back out to play. This moron will not be your last bad day. But it can be a moron-free last bad day. Other tests take their place, but you will be wiser...stronger...and you know who wins. You. Knowing you win takes a great deal of the sting out of life. It is like watching a football game that you know the final score of. You can watch the game calmly, knowing that fumbles don't matter in the end. You win!!!

Being Me said...

I know what it feels like... sometimes strong and sometimes wobbly... sometimes with courageous thoughts and sometimes cowardly.....


You survived, that gives me a lot more positive hope.

Christina Jeanne said...

Thanks for following me on the blog frog. I am following you there and here. It sounds like you've been through a lot. I have a lot of admiration for you.

Odie Langley said...

Good morning Suzie Q. I may be the only male responding but that is OK. I am happily married in NC and read through your blog and really am proud of you for opening up and working through the healing process. I have never lived the problem but have seen enough movies about the issue to feel compassion for you and your daughter. I welcome you to my blog anytime and it is filled with good stuff I think. You can find it at http://odielangley.blogspot.com and email is odie@qualityofficeequipmentinc.com Hope you and your daughter have an awesome week.
Odie

antrisdale said...

Susie Q, Wow, do I wish I had the guts to be so vocal about my moron. I cannot imagine what you went through with a child. Thank you so much for sharing your journey.

Thanks for the follow on BlogFrog.

Sweet Bee Cottage said...

Susie Q - I've read several of your posts and I'm so glad you are out of your situation. I wish everyone could be as strong as you.

Ilona said...

Abusive relationships are more common than we suppose; many people are afraid of showing problems, or worse yet don't they are in an abusive situation. Memories are something that can't be explained, triggers are psychological and depending on how bad things are only a professional would be able to help. As learn to face and deal with difficult situations we learn coping mechanisms and slowly, but surely, the wounds are not painful anymore. Sure we will feel the loss, or the have sequels that will forever be there. It's to say which is worst, physical or psychological wounds... I think they are one and only, one feeds the other--- Regardless of cause, the pain and fear, loneliness, lack of self worth, depression, they all feel the same it doesn't matter what caused them. I also have had my share of such situations, and if it helps some, I have learned is that first and foremost we need to learn to love ourselves, understand that we are of worth, no matter what anyone else might say or do! we are loved by our Father in Heaven, He is a father, we are his daughters, I am a daughter of God, and He loves me. As I understand that I become strong, and won't give anyone the chance to tell me different. From then on my task becomes less impossible, step by step, build on personal strengths, what are the things that bring joy and happiness? what can I do to make me stronger and self-sufficient, be it in temporal or spiritual or emotional ways? make a plan, stick to it until it becomes a habit. Do not allow patterns to be repeated; I have seen many intelligent women make so many dumb mistakes and repeat on relationships that clearly were self destructive; so we need to learn and understand why we do fall on this traps. Treat the disease and not the symptom. Work hard to avoid repeating the pattern...self esteem is paramount! In my experiences many times we fall because of our sheer lack of self esteem and fear of facing our problems. As I was able to understand that I am important and loved, I also understand that I'm not perfect as no one is, and as I have my shortcomings so do others, and we are all on the same boat, trying to survive! As I learn to see others for what they are, all little children trying to make it, each doing the best they know how I can also feel empathy and understand that I can forgive. It isn't until I was able to forgive and understand that I can't expect to get blood out of a turnip I learn that it was my fault, my bad choice that allowed me to be in this bad situation, I didnt heed the red flags, because they were there!! So I need to forgive myself too, sometimes it is harder than forgiving someone else, but forgive we must... if we want to move on, if we want to turn the page. In my experience, bitterness is the same as a cancer, a spiritual and emotional cancer, and it will eventually because a physical cancer. The memories will be there to haunt us ... but as time passes and we live a more meaningful life. The other thing that really help me is to help others, without sounding fake, because we care! It is soul cleansing. We feel energized, problems lose its weight, we are able to look at situations with a fresh and new perspective, we become able to see or find a solution to our own problem, we become better human beings!

Alisha said...

Hi! I saw that you had found me via Blog Frog and I stopped by to meet you! I'm looking forward to reading further back in your blog!

Alisha said...

Hi! I saw that you had found me via Blog Frog and I stopped by to meet you! I'm looking forward to reading further back in your blog!

Suzie Q said...

I was just having a bad day, thanx for all of your support :) It means a lot to me :)

Suzie Q said...

Wow, thank you for that great well thought out comment. ANd yes, life is a big learning experience, and forgiving oneself is often the hardest. I am a work in progress and feel I am quickly heading to the front of the class - with a few relapses :)
I was having a bad day, thanx for all of your support :) It means a lot to me :)

Suzie Q said...

One day at a time :)

Suzie Q said...

Fighting and Winning I would like to think, Miss Daisy ;)

Suzie Q said...

Thank you Sarah, that is very kind of you to say :) We all have our own struggles in our lives, our own crosses to bear. Forgiving oneself for allowing someone to do this to you is often the hardest part of all...

Suzie Q said...

Oh we all feel the moronic lashes be it through verbal, mental, physical or any other kind of abuse. The scars may be different, but it is proven the effects are the same. We are all survivors of our Morons, and we should all be proud.

Suzie Q said...

Yes, I am a winner aren't i :)

Suzie Q said...

Thank you, that is very kind of you to say.

Suzie Q said...

I so appreciate you stopping by and reading. I think that what most people fail to see, is that this is a MAN'S problem. (WHen dealing with the abuser being a male, obviously) If the men in this world not only fail to recognize but also fail to accept responsibility of this issue - then it will never be beaten. Pun intended.

Suzie Q said...

Well, I am vocal behind this anonymity, but feel my story is important on many levels - but mostly to help others see the signs and that getting out and moving on is possible.

Suzie Q said...

Yes I did, hear me roar!!!!
And SO will you!!! I am here, if you ever need to talk...

Suzie Q said...

Thank you, I will check into that at the library :)

Suzie Q said...

Yes, learning to get rid of habitualities (is that even a word??) is tough.... but can be done. Thanx for stopping by.

Suzie Q said...

Thank you, the backstory may help some....

Suzie Q said...

Oh, sometimes I don't feel that strong...
But I gather my strength from various sources, the strongest one - being my daughter :)

Anonymous said...

Great post, I am almost 100% in agreement with you

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