Well I had denial working for me, and hadn't learned how to create boundaries yet, so I stayed in my crazy world and convinced myself I was happy. And there were many moments of happiness.
Like the time I tried to start my own art business, and built a beautiful art studio on our property. I was so proud of myself for going after my dreams, and making a business plan, and getting the loan to build it.
Problem was my moron didn't like it when I was happy, it meant he couldn't keep me under his thumb. I think his real fear was that it meant I might discover that happiness was what I really wanted, and he would lose me. Better to beat me down, then have no fear of me leaving. It's funny how he ultimately created what he was most scared of... just took me awhile...
I had definite moments of clarity in the many years of living with my moron. And we broke up quite a few times. Problem was I obviously could not decide whether to ultimately stay or go, always got sucked back in. I always believed things would be different. The truth looking back, is that I knew it wouldn't be any different. and Why would it be? History had proven to me time and time again that it wouldn't. But I hoped it would be. That is the difference. Recognizing what you want and what you have, are sometimes two very different things.
Until you can tell the difference of reality (which isn't easy with a moron manipulating you and your world) and what you wish your reality to be, then you are stuck, and you have given up your control to someone else.
I was OK with buying a house and living with a guy, but I had traditional values, and there was NO way I was going to have a child without being married first. It’s just what I wanted, not really sure why, but it was something that was important to me. Maybe because it's that final commitment that is given when you marry someone. Maybe because you have some sort of accountability (or so I thought) and it meant that you had chosen this person to live with for the rest of your life with…
One day during one of my moments of clarity, I had decided that things needed to change. We needed to see someone. I had this feeling, like an itch at the back of my brain, that yeah I had some stuff to deal with, and yeah, we had some normal couple stuff to deal with, but there was something up with my moron. Something that really had nothing to do with me. Something that would put whatever girl he was with right in my shoes.
I realize looking back now, that was the first moment I knew I was in an abusive relationship. The first moment I let me conscious self in on that little secret. Or at least a glimmer of it. While we were at couples therapy that day, in the middle of the session, my moron stood up, and said "that was it". He was done. We were done. And walked out.
I remember being shocked. The counsellor was shocked too. And I went home, and he moved out for two weeks. I remember feeling relieved.
What I didn't know then, but can see so clearly now, was that The counsellor was getting close to the problem, he was making my moron sweat, and he could see he was losing his control over me. He had to cause a commotion, shake things up, take our focus away from actually getting to the root of the problem - the abuse. And it worked.
And I fell for it hook line and sinker, again. For two weeks he lived at a friends place, and when he came back, he was a changed man! He had learned, he had been saved, he had seen the error of his ways, he had felt the hurt and pain of losing me and now he knew what he wanted. I was the girl of his dreams, and wait for it... yes, he wanted to marry me.
Bet you can see where this is all heading...