tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20419448501076764832024-02-28T22:52:40.786-08:00I Married a Moron – And Survived!Surviving abuse and everything else life throws at me...Suzie Qhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16612983731357919856noreply@blogger.comBlogger87125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041944850107676483.post-56755645091548914472012-10-08T06:55:00.002-07:002012-10-08T07:02:35.969-07:00Happy THanksgiving EveryoneWell, I've had my fill of mashed potatoes and birds with gravy. Our traditional Thanksgiving baseball is now in full swing and my thoughts turn to what I am thankful for this year...<br />
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1. Family. The Lil Pixie and I are an extremely tight knit duo, and she has blossomed into this most amazing little person. I cant imagine my time here without her, and feel so blessed to have her in my life and my heart. Of course my other family is dear to me as well, and thankful to be spending time with them. Nothing like family to make you loved and walk down memory lane...<br />
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2. Friends. This year I have made some of the best and closest friends. Its been awhile as I have made the move and I think I have felt a little closed off. But I am pleased to say that I feel full and blessed in that department ;)<br />
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3. My new Guy. Yes, Miss Suzie Q has found herself one of the most sweetest, kindest, most gentle man she has ever met. One day I will share with you, our story. Still in the beginnings of it, and still getting used to the idea. But he has become such an important part of my daily life, and has helped to mend my heart and pieces of my soul. And before I get <i>really</i> mushy, I am going to stop. Lets just say that perhaps things really do happen for a reason, and I am now understanding the words; <i>the best is yet to come....</i><br />
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<i>Hope Everyone has enjoyed their turkey day, and if yours is still to come, Happy Early Thanksgiving!</i><br />
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Suzie Qhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16612983731357919856noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041944850107676483.post-62879077939948740652012-09-26T10:02:00.002-07:002012-09-26T10:02:55.202-07:00A Lesson Learned - with a side of gravy...Who else here loves food? And with Thanksgiving just around the corner, I have been thinking about food alot. Food and the things we need to live. Survival. Plants need food, water, sun, to live, as the Lil Pixie always tells me. We need shelter, food and water. But there is a difference between surviving and living. When our lives are in crisis, and our world is in chaos and turmoil, survival is all we can afford to expend our energy on. Merely surviving from one moment to the next. This type of living can last for years. And it takes its toil. It takes its toil on your body, mind, spirit and heart. Once you are able to move past crisis, and assess the trauma, it may take awhile to get back on the road of just plain living - as survival mode has become such an habitual way of life. But there is a point where you must incorporate other things into your living plan. Love and wants. They too have their purpose. They too increase your survival.<br />
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Although their are definite distinctions between wants and needs, especially in terms of my monthly budget ;) You have to make room to allow yourself some wants. Spoil yourself, indulge in a few little splurges every now and again. Live. Love. Enjoy. I can remember when after leaving the Moron, money was beyond tight, and EVERYTHING was an indulgence. Milk, oreos, fresh fruit....all these would be bought sparingly, and generally only indulged by the Lil Pixie. Because that's what we, as mothers do. I now allow myself a little indulgence for us both every once and awhile. <br />
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My favourite food is mashed potatoes. And my mother still makes the best darned mashed potatoes. This thanksgiving, i will be adding gravy to them as a declaration that I am worth it, that i am out of the survival stage and have gotten down to the point of truly living...<br />
Suzie Qhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16612983731357919856noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041944850107676483.post-22402226242047103802012-08-17T07:51:00.000-07:002012-08-17T07:51:03.297-07:00Strength is not born of winning, but of struggle<br />Strength is not born of winning, but of struggle. When we look back at our lives, and see the landscape of our path behind us, the hills and the valleys are sometimes etched in sweat and heartache. Some of those tough roads are what forged our way to the place we are today, and the people we have become. Our struggles, in turn are what define us. When the road is light, and the going is uncomplicated, it is easy. Life is effortless and easy. It is when times turn difficult that we find out what we, and those around us are really made of. It is that strength that keeps us going, that is the truth of who we are. It is those choices that we make during those times of need and hardship, that defines the core of our being. The strength and will to keep fighting, for another day.Suzie Qhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16612983731357919856noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041944850107676483.post-88445474545935132862012-07-25T09:12:00.000-07:002012-07-25T09:12:18.669-07:00Balancing ActBalancing Mommyhood, Moronfree living, Domestic Abuse Advocate, and Blogger are becoming harder for me. Each one pulling on the other, each one wanting its own time.<br />
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I am struggling with them, but please know, I will try to do better in the blogosphere notion...Suzie Qhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16612983731357919856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041944850107676483.post-36645162097928748612012-05-13T08:50:00.003-07:002012-05-13T08:52:29.822-07:00And To You, A Moronfree Mother's DayWhen you become a mother, nobody can fully explain to you how you are going to feel. No one can fully explain to you the sheer magnitude of joy you feel from the very first moment the connection is made with that child, nor the the heart wrenching agony you will feel when your child is in pain, and there is nothing you can do to help. No one can fully explain the levels of protection you feel, nor the depths you are willing and therefore capable of going, to protect that child from harm. Victims of domestic violence feel this on such an urgent, and often daily level. And no matter how safe they are told they are, no one can ever imagine the true fear that is felt when someone tells you that they will kill you and/or take away your children. This fear becomes one with you, and although you may be able to move on and live a seemingly product life, that fear is always with you.<br />
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For those that stay in the relationship, it is often their vision of protection, as the system would indoubtably leave their children often more exposed to violence or worse. For those brave mothers, their choice to stay – though seen as one of weakness – is often one of great strength of shielding.<br />
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On this Mother’s Day, I would like to wish all Mothers a safe and happy Moronfree day. Especially to those who are still in amongst the war.<br />
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<br />Suzie Qhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16612983731357919856noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041944850107676483.post-39043076318438288722012-01-30T18:12:00.000-08:002012-01-30T18:12:04.868-08:00My 2012 Word of the year is STRENGTHLooking back at my life, I notice many of my strengths and weaknesses over time. Many of what I may consider my strengths some may consider a weakness - but it is my opinion that matters.<br />
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I have many strengths, and one of them is my own strength. This is something to which for some reason is always downplayed. Mostly by me.<br />
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I feel stronger than I have been in a long, long time, and not only physically (and I have my <a href="http://imarriedamoronandsurvived.blogspot.com/2011/09/project-ninja-suzie.html">kickboxing</a> to thank for that) but emotionally too. Yet the woman I envision, still is in the distance. Which is good, because where would we be if we didn't have to reach for our goals?<br />
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This year I plan to draw on that strength, and own it. For so many years I was living from a place of FEAR. I think it's about time that I live from a place of STRENGTH. And that is what I am choosing to focus on this year. My strength.<br />
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Have you picked a word for 2012?Suzie Qhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16612983731357919856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041944850107676483.post-7784423181889017402011-12-31T08:50:00.000-08:002011-12-31T08:50:00.449-08:00Another Year Down...As this year comes to a close, it is only natural to ponder all that has transpired. Life has its own way of putting you on the path you were meant to be on. With knowledge, a bit of wisdom and understanding, you can look back at some of the trials and tribulations and realize the meaning that they have provided in your life. Some of my darkest days, have provided me with the most clarity – when I have been open and able to see it. They have provided me with the thankfulness and graciousness of the life I am starting to build. Surrounded by friends and family, I feel true happiness and am blessed by all that I have been given.<br />
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With my new job helping victims of domestic violence, I feel I have been given a powerful venue to assert my newly strengthened voice. And just perhaps this is where my life had been leading me all along…<br />
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This year has been a year of change for me. Unfortunately, change is rarely done without a fight nor welcomed with open arms, but I have welcomed it this year, for I feel I am becoming the Suzie I was meant to be. And I feel like the luckiest person alive to have the front row seat of watching the Lil Pixie grow into the amazing person she is supposed to be. We have become such a powerful team, her and I.<br />
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I hope you have enjoyed the holidays with your friends and family - they are truly the important ones. I wish Joy, Peace and Goodness to all of you in 2012. And I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of you who read and support this blog. It has become a real important part of my life, and from all of the letters that I receive I have made a small difference in some of your lives. What all of you may fail to realize, is how much of an impact you have made in mine.<div><br />
</div><div>Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your love and support. Together we can end domestic violence and teach those around us that abuse does not have to be tolerated, there is another way.</div><div> </div>Suzie Qhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16612983731357919856noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041944850107676483.post-36194765621236244432011-12-25T13:01:00.000-08:002011-12-25T13:01:18.053-08:00Have a Very Merry Moronfree Christmas Everyone!!!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-75kIf-2Z91A/TReLdaZqxkI/AAAAAAAAAHM/249OO-n6x2o/s1600/scan.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-75kIf-2Z91A/TReLdaZqxkI/AAAAAAAAAHM/249OO-n6x2o/s320/scan.jpg" width="317" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Lots and love and Merriness being sent from this blog to you :)</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I wish everyone a Merry Moronfree Christmas, and a Moronless New Year!!</div>Suzie Qhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16612983731357919856noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041944850107676483.post-29260957415262099812011-12-09T21:58:00.000-08:002011-12-09T21:59:20.806-08:00Family Court Support Worker InitiativeHave you heard about the great new program that is currently in effect in Ontario? Great news for victims of domestic violence, the Ministry of the Attorney General is funding a pilot project of <a href="http://news.ontario.ca/mag/en/2011/03/stronger-support-for-victims-of-domestic-violence.html">Family Support Workers</a> in most family court jurisdictions across Ontario. These specialized workers will provide assistance to victims by means of information about the family court process, aiding in the documentation of the history of abuse for the court, referrals to specialized services and supports in the community, help with safety planning related to court appearances, and aaccompanying victims to court proceedings, where appropriate.<br />
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So for those of you who are at any point of the family court process, and reside in Ontario, do look these folks up, as it is their job to help YOU! At a time when your world is a mess, someone who can help you to navigate the court system is sure a welcomed beacon. Speaking from experience, court can be an extremely dis-empowering and traumatic venture. I say good on the McGuinty Government for making a positive change and perhaps some domestic violence enlightenment to those professionals within our court system.<br />
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Have you heard of this project? Are there similar ones in your community? What are your thoughts?Suzie Qhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16612983731357919856noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041944850107676483.post-42648369353918827962011-11-30T12:14:00.000-08:002011-11-30T12:14:21.660-08:00Roses are RedRoses are red<br />
Morons are green<br />
I've learnt my lesson from mine<br />
Now I can truly be me.<br />
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Victim no more<br />
Courageous by some<br />
Inner strength and determination<br />
This girl has won.<br />
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Scars born of fear<br />
Victory of might<br />
Abusers beware<br />
They will be brought into the light.<br />
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Silence may be golden<br />
it can also be deadly<br />
Break the cycle and soar<br />
get your feathers ready...Suzie Qhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16612983731357919856noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041944850107676483.post-29708860387783651342011-11-22T08:07:00.000-08:002011-11-22T08:07:39.852-08:00Rewards From Following Through...Remember when I mentioned upon meeting my old <a href="http://imarriedamoronandsurvived.blogspot.com/2011/03/if-it-looks-like-moron.html">boss</a> for the very first time, he reminded me so much of the <a href="http://imarriedamoronandsurvived.blogspot.com/2010/06/moron-code.html">Moron</a>? Well, I couldn't have been more on the money. I'll give you a very quick rundown on the situation. I was hired to replace a manager at a retail store. That would seem fairly simple enough, except there was all these weird things going on, such as I had to be in to open the store 1/2 hour early (but wasn't paid for it) and close (again couldn't write it down on time sheet), six of us during the day used the same till - but it was only counted at beginning of shift and at the end, we weren't paid for Stat holidays... and the list went on. <br />
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Being a single mom in an economy that is, well lets just say less than booming, I dearly needed the money, but I had decided that if I let another person take advantage of me again - without standing up for myself, then I hadn't learnt my lesson.<br />
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I talked numerous times with my supervisor, then finally after a month of no headway, told her if things did not change I would have no recourse except to go to the labour board. I was fired the next day with charges of theft and fraud of the company, and since I was there for under 3 months I was told he could do so without cause. He presented me with a letter in which it stated I was resigning as a result of my acknowledgement of theft and fraud and that I would not go after my employer nor his company for any monies owing now or in the future, and that if I did not sign the police would be called. I did not sign, gave back the keys, and left.<br />
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I ended up following through and going to the labour board with all the original charges of incorrect stat holiday pay, and reprisal on top of that. 10 months later, a tribunal was held where my employer brought forth 4 current employees that lied and stated that I stole merchandise and came in late constantly. Here's the thing though, he had no proof <i>(because it never happened)</i>, and moreover when the witnesses were questioned, their stories not only did not match up, but no one stated that they actually saw me take any merchandise.<br />
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My former employer was told that the burden of proof rested on him under the Act to disprove the claim of reprisal. In such the rules of evidence applied, and a current employee has more to gain in statements where they are for the employer as they have more likely a fear of losing their job. No hard evidence was provided, except for ironically, he actually presented the letter which he attempted to get me to sign, and he in fact helped me in ways he at that time could not imagine....<br />
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With the presentation of that letter, not only did he corroborate my side of the story, but he hung himself in the process....just like the <a href="http://imarriedamoronandsurvived.blogspot.com/2010/06/moron-code.html">Moron</a>. Give them enough rope, and they will hang themselves...<br />
They are so hellbent on getting you back, and believe in their own little crazy world what they are doing is right, that they fail to see how intimidating and just plain wrong their actions are and will be perceived to be.<br />
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Today I received the written decision. I cannot tell you the joy that I feel after reading the 20 page document!!!! Not only does it make the employer appear to be an intimidating bully, but it awards me with a rather large, hefty settlement :) One that I truly had no idea would be even part of the equation. So nice to see the little guy win once in awhile, even nicer to be the little guy that wins :)<br />
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Merry Freaking Early Christmas to me :)Suzie Qhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16612983731357919856noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041944850107676483.post-59631302017307880182011-11-09T20:05:00.000-08:002011-11-09T20:05:54.949-08:00Insecurities and Gifts from PainHello everyone, feels like eons since I have been back here. Funny how life takes you on its own little journeys, and forces you to face things. <br />
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Insecurities. <div>We all have them. They are in all of us, that little voice inside us that tells us we aren’t good enough, that we shouldn’t even try. And if we listen to that voice, we hold ourselves back from taking a chance and we deny the outcome of seeing what we are truly capapble of. We are in essence, living in fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of hope for what may be…. </div><div><br />
</div><div>Life's ups and downs may never fully reveal to us the true meaning of their intentions. But if we fail to take what lessons we learn, then they are only that, just major downers in our life. Sometimes what is learnt is a gift - despite the pain or perhaps because of it. The gift that lies waiting for us is growth. It is the gift of change. That something good comes from all the pain.</div><div><br />
</div><div>When a crisis hits, when our world is turned upside down, when we are afraid, will we have the strength and the wisdom to welcome that gift with open arms? Will we have the courage to face our insecurities and allow ourselves to be?</div><div><br />
</div><div>Sometimes the things we don't expect, didn’t ask for – are the best things that happen to us. May we have the wisdom and courage to accept them.<br />
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</div>Suzie Qhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16612983731357919856noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041944850107676483.post-25277022399856053212011-10-31T08:21:00.000-07:002011-10-31T08:21:02.890-07:00Happy MoronFree HalloweenMoving into another Halloween I am reminded of Halloweens gone past...<br />
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I can remember the very first Halloween with the Lil Pixie, she would have been about 10 months old. She had the cutest little lion costume, you know the store bought ones with the paw booties. The <a href="http://imarriedamoronandsurvived.blogspot.com/2010/06/moron-code.html">Moron</a> took her out that night - not trick or treating, but to a haunted house!!! Yep, the <a href="http://imarriedamoronandsurvived.blogspot.com/2010/06/moron-code.html">Moron</a> is indeed a smart parent and decided to give her nightmares at the beginning of her life.... Mind you this is also the insightful parent who brought the wee one to drag car racing as well - because we know that all that noise is really good for a newborn's ears.<br />
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Let's face it, a <a href="http://imarriedamoronandsurvived.blogspot.com/2010/06/moron-code.html">Moron</a> makes decisions based on what is best for himself - regardless on how it affects those around him. All I can say is thank goodness his decision making is only limited to his access. Although, that didn't stop him from taking our 3 yr old out shooting guns.... and just so you know, there is no laws against that... And I am not against guns, per se, but you have to take into consideration the teacher here. One who has never viewed safety as being a priority, nor believes that the law regarding the storage of guns needs to be upheld.<br />
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Anyways, I can only hope that someone else is looking out for the Lil Pixie when she is in her Father's care, because the law sure isn't!<br />
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And for those interested, This <a href="http://imarriedamoronandsurvived.blogspot.com/2011/09/project-ninja-suzie.html">Ninja</a> now has a very wicked roundhouse kick :)<br />
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Happy Moronfree Halloween Everyone, what are YOU dressing up as today?Suzie Qhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16612983731357919856noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041944850107676483.post-67341369953397785742011-10-16T21:15:00.000-07:002011-10-16T21:15:41.340-07:00A few words of wisdom...The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself. by Mark Caine<br />
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Things don’t go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be. Charles Jones<br />
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None who have always been free can understand the terrible fascinating power of the hope of freedom to those who are not free. Pearl S. Buck<br />
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You teach others how to treat you. Dr. Phil<br />
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Abuse survivors ain't no thang but a chicken wing!!! Suzie Q<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: verdana, tahoma, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 19px;"><br />
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In order to do that, I had to get to the Martial Arts place. I have to be honest, I was really nervous about that - but I did it! I went to my first kickboxing class. My goals for this class were pretty short and sweet. Not crying was at the top of my list. Not getting punched, was also up there. At least I achieved half...<br />
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Here is what I learned:<br />
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1. I have not jumped rope since being in middle school - I now know why boxers do it to get/keep in shape. <br />
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2. I am not as coordinated as I once thought I was.<br />
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3. Getting punched in the face by a 12 yr old - not my idea of fun - but it will remind me to keep my hands up.<br />
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4. Perhaps watching kickboxing prior to doing it, is a good idea. Then you can get an idea of what you are supposed to be doing, and not feel like a total idiot.<br />
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5. Saving up for my own boxing gloves is a must - those stinky, sweaty ones from the club are pretty gross!!!<br />
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6. Punching does not come natural to me - blocking or cowering does.<br />
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7. Practice will hopefully make perfect. It will at the very least provide me with copious bruises...<br />
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8. I did not expect to be hit with such overwhelming emotions. I am being gentle with myself, and realizing there are many facets to my healing that still need to be done.<br />
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Here is where my new therapy begins. I am a survivor, and I am choosing to empower myself. I intend to face my fears and kick the crap outta them!!!<br />
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Have a kickass weekend everyone. I will be icing my wounds and nurturing my soul. How about you?Suzie Qhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16612983731357919856noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041944850107676483.post-15182027186992900512011-09-23T00:00:00.000-07:002011-09-23T13:23:51.458-07:00Project Ninja SuzieI have been thinking alot about <a href="http://imarriedamoronandsurvived.blogspot.com/2011/06/fear-can-we-live-with-it.html">fear</a>, and the effects it has had on my life. One of my readers, Mathew, left a comment <i>"fear dominates human feelings and emotion more than any other... The fact that you're aware of this is huge with regards to overcoming it,"</i> which has got me thinking more and more about fear. I want to take more steps to overcoming my fear.<br />
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Our last poll showed that the majority of people who took the poll, when faced with physical fear they either run or hide. So I see I am in good company.<br />
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<h2 class="title" style="color: black; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font: normal normal bold 11px/normal Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; position: relative; text-transform: uppercase;">WHEN FACED WITH PHYSICAL FEAR I</h2><div class="widget-content" id="widget-content" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;"><iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" height="240" name="poll-widget823627972943619650" src="http://www.google.com/reviews/polls/display/823627972943619650/blogger_template/run_app?txtclr=%23000000&lnkclr=%23cc1118&chrtclr=%23cc1118&font=normal+normal+14px+%27Trebuchet+MS%27,+Trebuchet,+sans-serif;&hideq=true&purl=http://imarriedamoronandsurvived.blogspot.com/" style="border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; border-left-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-top-style: none; border-width: initial; height: 141px; width: 360px;"></iframe></div><br />
I started this blog for many reasons. To share my story. To hopefully enlighten and educate. To help fellow victims of abuse, and lastly to help myself with my own journey of healing. I have overcome and conquered many things along the way, but this fear thing is kicking me in the ass. I think it's time I kicked back!!!!<br />
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I have decided to overcome my fears, and empower myself in the process. And of course I will document my steps (and falls) along the way. I have decided to join my local kickboxing club.<br />
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Just so you know - I have never once thrown a punch in my life. I avoid confrontation like the plague. And although I love me a good action movie, physical violence awakens that flight part of me that I am hoping to overcome. I think kickboxing will not only be great for my self esteem, provide some self defence training it will also be an awesome fitness provider.<br />
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I can recall when I first left the <a href="http://imarriedamoronandsurvived.blogspot.com/2010/06/moron-code.html">Moron</a>, I did not have much. I got sole custody - he pretty much got the rest. I would splurge on things like fresh fruit, milk, and once in a blue moon - Oreo cookies. But they were all for the lil Pixie. As a mom, its just what you do, your kids come first - in everything. <br />
<br />
With all my jobs (I have one full time and 2 part-time, plus I volunteer at a couple different places) and being a single mom, money as well as time are pretty slim. But I decided to bite the bullet and do something for me, for once. I am sure all of you mothers know what I am talking about. Your kids come first in all respects, and you are always last on the list for everything. But I decided my underwear can wait (they were at the top of my list).<br />
<br />
My little sister said something to me the other day which has been gnawing at my consciousness. She said (and I am paraphrasing) "<i>By finding time, and allowing myself my own things, I am teaching my girls that I am important. That I deserve it. This in turn will teach them they are important and they too should strive to achieve their goals and claim them. No one else is going to do it for them</i>". Now she isn't a selfish Mom who just does her own thing - but she has always made time (even if it's here and there) for her goals and her needs, while balancing them with that of the family.<br />
<br />
I think victims of abuse have similar natures, or at least they are stripped of them so that they always put their <a href="http://imarriedamoronandsurvived.blogspot.com/2010/06/moron-code.html">Morons</a> first. They walk on eggshells to avoid conflict, they tiptoe thru life as to not to upset the delicate balance of the <a href="http://imarriedamoronandsurvived.blogspot.com/2010/06/moron-code.html">Moron</a>'s shifting moods. They are brainwashed to feel like they do not matter, their lives and needs are below their <a href="http://morons./">Morons.</a> That is what I had become.<br />
<br />
In some ways I still play the dance, as to not cause the Moron to take some kind of vengeance at the Lil Pixie's expense. For instance, not allowing me to talk to her when she is on court ordered visitation. I feel kickboxing will help boost my confidence, keep me in shape, and help me learn to deal with confrontation better (ie stand my ground instead of fleeing), and thus Project Ninja Suzie was born.<br />
<br />
The cost is pretty steep (for me, anyways) - $80/month but I am hoping the rewards will be worth it. So if any of you feel the desire to chip in a buck or two to help in this endeavour, I have posted a donate button below and in the sidebar. No pressure - just thought I would throw it out there...<br />
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<img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="https://www.paypalobjects.com/en_US/i/scr/pixel.gif" width="1" /></form></div>When someone threatens your life, or the life of your child, that fear never goes away. But if you allow that fear to monopolize your life, then you give your power away. I will not lie, the thought of even starting kickboxing kinda scares me, but I want all my power back. I need to step out of my comfort zone, and push my limits. I am done with feeling weak and powerless. I am done with having no control. I cannot control what other people do or say, but I sure as hell can control what I do or how I react to it. I will not be a victim anymore. I am going to put on the gloves...Suzie Qhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16612983731357919856noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041944850107676483.post-22321142558849400612011-09-20T11:01:00.000-07:002011-09-20T11:01:30.381-07:00My line in the sand...The morning <a href="http://imarriedamoronandsurvived.blogspot.com/2011/09/calm-before-storm.html">after</a>, the <a href="http://imarriedamoronandsurvived.blogspot.com/2010/06/moron-code.html">Moron</a> went to work, and I caught myself feeling weightless and hopeful, but life had taught me otherwise. It wasn't that hard, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop...<br />
<br />
When the <a href="http://imarriedamoronandsurvived.blogspot.com/2010/06/moron-code.html">Moron</a> came home from work that night, he acted as if everything was fine. As if nothing had happened. In the <a href="http://imarriedamoronandsurvived.blogspot.com/2010/06/moron-code.html">Moron's</a> world, apparently life had reset itself and nothing had changed. In my world, however, everything had changed, and I wasn't about to go back to my old life. This was my line in the sand.<br />
<br />
I calmly told him he had to move out. To which he refused. But I had inticipated this, and packed up the Lil Peanut and a few things and we were out the door and off to my sister's place (about 45 minutes away). There was no way I was living another minute with him. And I wasn't about to give him a chance to stop us.<br />
<br />
My line in the sand had been drawn - and I was determined to make it stick. I felt this yearning for more. For better. I wanted more, deserved better, and dammit the Lil Pixie was going to have better. The 9 months of her growing inside me, as well as the year of her life, had strenghthened me. Instilled a hope of more for us, provided a light for the me I dared to dream, for the me I once was. To become my own happy ending. This was my line in the sand, and if I crossed it, I would have nowhere else to go. Nowhere but down. And I wanted more.<br />
<br />
Something awoke in me, and I wasn't about to let it lie. My line in the sand is what held me strong in my fight.Suzie Qhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16612983731357919856noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041944850107676483.post-82033732750193526532011-09-06T11:59:00.000-07:002011-09-06T11:59:19.980-07:00The calm before the stormAfter the <a href="http://imarriedamoronandsurvived.blogspot.com/2010/06/moron-code.html">Moron</a> said "<a href="http://imarriedamoronandsurvived.blogspot.com/2011/08/continued.html">it was over</a>" and took the Lil Pixie and left the room, I felt the most amazing thing. Relief. I felt as if the World had been taken off my shoulders, I felt lighter, and perhaps <i>(though I didn't realize it at the time)</i> I felt my world getting back on track.<br />
<br />
The <a href="http://imarriedamoronandsurvived.blogspot.com/2010/06/moron-code.html">Moron</a> had gone into the spare bedroom,and the rest of the day is a kind of blur. I know at one point I had put the Lil Pixie down for her nap <i>(afterall, I was really the only one who fulfilled the parenting duties unless he was putting on a show, parading her around town tires, hungry and always inappropriately dressed)</i>.<br />
<br />
At one point in the evening when the Lil Pixie was down for the night, I went into the spare bedroom. The <a href="http://imarriedamoronandsurvived.blogspot.com/2010/06/moron-code.html">Moron</a> was in bed with a pen and a notebook. He had written on a piece of paper what was going to happen as a result of our breakup. He was to get the house, since he was paying for it. I was a grown woman, he said, so fully capable of taking care of myself, so no spousal support. And we would split the Lil Pixie down the middle, he would get her for a year, then me for a year, so there would be no need for child support.<br />
<br />
Despite it being incredibly warped in logic, it was the most mature conversation we had ever had. The calm before the storm...Suzie Qhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16612983731357919856noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041944850107676483.post-77481756728767227082011-08-25T15:22:00.000-07:002011-08-25T15:22:37.930-07:00Continued...So standing there in the kitchen, in this moment time stood still. In this moment our whole life together came to one point balancing precariously on the edge, and I was standing looking over it. I knew I had to make a decision, and I knew it would change my life forever...<br />
<br />
I could decide to walk away, instinctively turn away from confrontation - but something was nagging at me. Something made me think of my Lil Pixie and what her life was to be. Her life was worth more. She was worth a life of joy. And my job was to ensure her safety.<br />
<br />
I slowly turned around and walked down those few stairs to the wood stove and that smouldering <a href="http://imarriedamoronandsurvived.blogspot.com/2011/08/first-day-of-rest-of-my-life.html">ash bucket</a>. That horrible burnt smell pierced my consciousness, and I turned to the <a href="http://imarriedamoronandsurvived.blogspot.com/2010/06/moron-code.html">Moron</a>. The Lil Pixie was scooting around on the ground. With resolve, I grabbed the ash bucket and put it back outside on the snowy front step.<br />
<br />
This made the <a href="http://imarriedamoronandsurvived.blogspot.com/2010/06/moron-code.html">Moron</a> raise to his feet and start the fireworks show. He accused me of monopolizing the parenting, being self important, of always having things my way. He even said I was being careless as putting the ash bucket outside (in the snow) would cause the house to be set on fire.<br />
<br />
And the height of his yelling, the <a href="http://imarriedamoronandsurvived.blogspot.com/2010/06/moron-code.html">Moron</a> picked the Lil Pixie up, said, "we are over" and left the room. <br />
<br />
<br />
Suzie Qhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16612983731357919856noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041944850107676483.post-86028495811545367872011-08-18T08:57:00.000-07:002011-08-18T08:58:32.159-07:00The First Day of the Rest of My Life...My morning of the <i>first day of the rest of my life</i>, went like <a href="http://imarriedamoronandsurvived.blogspot.com/2011/08/beginning-of-first-day-of-rest-of-my.html">this</a>. This day I will remember forever, as it was the beginning of my road to freedom - though I didn't know it when I woke up that morning.<br />
<br />
I suppose my conscious self had realized that it was the Lil Pixie's first birthday, and therefore the promise I had made to myself, and her, was up. Upon her being conceived, I had promised that I would give her father, the <a href="http://imarriedamoronandsurvived.blogspot.com/2010/06/moron-code.html">Moron</a>, one year to show he was a good father. I figured I owed her that. That one chance to be the family she deserved, the one I always wanted. Turned out to be a pipe dream, but at least I had tried.<br />
<br />
After the <a href="http://imarriedamoronandsurvived.blogspot.com/2010/06/moron-code.html">Moron</a> had <a href="http://imarriedamoronandsurvived.blogspot.com/2011/08/beginning-of-first-day-of-rest-of-my.html">left</a> with the Lil Pixie for brunch with the MIL (though I have my own special name for her), I proceeded to clean up the house and get some house work done. I thought I may as well take advantage of the deserted house, and could use something to take my mind off the strange feeling I had.<br />
<br />
It was winter, so we had the wood stove on as it was our primary source of heat. This was located in our family room, which was quite open. <br />
<br />
I was in the middle of dishes and laundry when the <a href="http://imarriedamoronandsurvived.blogspot.com/2010/06/moron-code.html">Moron</a> came home in the late afternoon. He had put the Lil Pixie down in the living room (she was still crawling as she hadn't started to walk yet at this point), while he proceeded to empty the hot ashes into the metal bucket from the stove. I wouldn't have even known he had done so, except after he had finished with the ashes, he started to brush the dog, and put the shedded hair in the bucket of hot coals/ashes and it was displacing that horrible <i>burnt hair</i> smell into the entire house. <br />
<br />
When I passed thru the living room (it is between the laundry room and the bedrooms) I very sweetly remarked that the smoldering ash bucket needed to be put outside with the Lil Pixie around, as things could happen so fast with a little one. Tragedies happen in the blink of an eye, and it was better to be safe than sorry, so I put the ash bucket outside on the front step (surrounded by snow).<br />
<br />
I then continued on to the bedroom to continue folding the laundry. Coming back thru the living room, on my way back to the laundry room, I noticed the ash bucket was back on the ground, infront of the wood stove. I took a moment to stop and stare at the still smoking bucket, then at the <a href="http://imarriedamoronandsurvived.blogspot.com/2010/06/moron-code.html">Moron</a>, then slowly made my way up the few stairs to the kitchen.<br />
<br />
In this moment time stood still. In this moment our whole life together came to one point balancing precariously on the edge, and I was standing looking over it. I knew I had to make a decision, and I knew it would change my life forever...<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Suzie Qhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16612983731357919856noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041944850107676483.post-73106113327566512662011-08-10T11:33:00.000-07:002011-08-10T11:33:07.760-07:00The Beginning of the First Day of the Rest of My Life...It was the Lil Pixie's first birthday - a milestone in more than one way. A year of her life, a year of surviving a tumultuous family wherein she became a pawn, and the fulfilment of my <a href="http://imarriedamoronandsurvived.blogspot.com/2011/07/big-promises.html">promise</a>.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, the <a href="http://imarriedamoronandsurvived.blogspot.com/2010/06/moron-code.html">Moron</a> did not become the father I hope he would be. No miraculous transitions into fatherhood occurred. His value or understanding of love did not happen, and in my heart, my road was forged.<br />
<br />
It began a very strange morning, being awoken by a phone call by the <a href="http://imarriedamoronandsurvived.blogspot.com/2010/06/moron-code.html">Moron</a>'s mother (the apple sure didn't fall far from the tree in this instance). He got out of bed and took the phone call in the living room. I later learned he also got the Lil Pixie up and was preparing them to go to brunch with his Mother.<br />
<br />
I had already gotten up with the Lil Pixie earlier, so was trying to get some more sleep - but there was something strange about the phone call. When I got up, I found the <a href="http://imarriedamoronandsurvived.blogspot.com/2010/06/moron-code.html">Moron</a> trying to escape (again) with the baby, without telling me where he was going. <br />
<br />
I felt different, braver, stronger, and dared asked him where he was going. When he replied that he had been invited out to brunch with his mom, I asked why I wasn't invited. Usually I am in the most avoidance of such confrontation, but something just didn't seem right, and with my new found boldness, I attempted answers.<br />
<br />
It was winter, so it was just starting to get light out. I made sure the Lil Pixie was dressed appropriately, as the the <a href="http://imarriedamoronandsurvived.blogspot.com/2010/06/moron-code.html">Moron</a> seemed oblivious to such things. Once again I asked why I wasn't invited, where he was going, etc. The <a href="http://imarriedamoronandsurvived.blogspot.com/2010/06/moron-code.html">Moron</a> just utilized his trusty veil of non-acknowledgement (one drawn from his more immature arsenal of control tools) and was out the door.<br />
<br />
I knew something was up... I just didn't know what... Suzie Qhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16612983731357919856noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041944850107676483.post-17306384534759486672011-07-27T00:00:00.000-07:002011-07-27T00:00:03.236-07:00BIG PromisesBefore my Lil Pixie was born, I swore that I would protect her. But I also felt I owed her to allow her the chance to get to know her father - eventhough he was a Moron. I gave him a year to be a good father.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">We split up on her first birthday.</div><br />
I've struggle with what ifs alot, and this is a BIG one of those. But everytime I come back to it, I come to the same conclusion. I chose that decision out of love. Out of my love for her, and what I felt she deserved. I believe everyone deserves the love of both their parents, and me being the glass half full kinda gal that I am, went with it, hoping for our happy ending.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately in the eyes of the law, this was in fact my biggest mistake. Having her born in this place, made it her home, thus tying her legally to it. Thus tying me. Eventhough I wasn't from there, nor any of my family (in fact almost all my family was on the other side of the country), this was how the law viewed it.<br />
<br />
Here is where my real battle for survival began. Here is where my love, life and steel was tested. Here is where my own private hell was wrought.<br />
<br />
And here is where I found out I truly was a survivor.Suzie Qhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16612983731357919856noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041944850107676483.post-25013144631411860652011-07-25T10:56:00.000-07:002011-07-25T10:56:41.432-07:00Motherhood with a MoronMorons are huge opportunists. And they use the most convenient as well as the most hurtful means available to them to make their point. After the Lil Pixie was born - that meant her.<br />
<br />
There were many a time where I would wake and find her gone - no note - no idea where they went or when they would be back. Constantly keeping me on edge and reminding me of the threats that he would take her away from me.<br />
<br />
My very first Mother's Day was one of these lucky days for me. One important reminder that he was the one who held the control (or so he believed). It would be 5 years later that I would have to wait to spend my first Mother's Day with her - a notion not lost on me.<br />
<br />
Forever the contriver, manipulator and bully. The anti was upped with her birth, and the price of losing went up tenfold. But what the Moron failed to realise, was that my resolve and my strength grew with me when she had grown inside of me. With that growth grew love and a will made strong for the protection of it. <br />
<br />
There is a reason you don't get between a mama and her cubs. Its funny how you may not always fight for your survival - but put your children in danger and the claws come out. I may be more of a flight than fight kinda gal, but at last resort and threatening my child - I will fight to the death.<br />
<br />
My inner fighter was slowly being wakened. Fear was still strong, and the Moron played those cards well - but he failed in his underestimation. In his underestimation of the bond between Mother and child as well as his underestimation of Miss Suzie Q.Suzie Qhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16612983731357919856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041944850107676483.post-46207600237993743022011-07-14T20:00:00.000-07:002011-07-14T20:00:57.784-07:00Old Habits are Like a Comfy Pair of SweatsSometimes breaking out of what you are used to is like charging through uncharted territory. Like wearing something uncomfortable when you are yearning for that old pair of comfy sweat pants that seems to know your body, hug it, and give you that comfy, familiar feeling.<br />
<br />
But that is what you have to do sometimes. Step out of your ordinary. Step out of those comfy sweat pants and break in a new pair. Habits are hard to break. They are familiar and we know what the outcome will be - even if it isn't a happy one - we can at least visualize and prepare for it.<br />
<br />
The unknown is scary. We have no idea what the outcome will be - and our old sweat pants are just so gosh darn, comfy. But sometimes those sweatpants just aren't working for us. Sometimes we need to slap on some clean, new pair of pants and step out into the world - and try out new things. Even scary things. Like standing on our own two feet, and putting our brave face on, and pretending like we can conquer the world (even when we feel like mush inside).<br />
<br />
Sometimes we have to grit our teeth and change old patterns and learn some new ones. Better ones. Ones that will eventually feel like our comfy, old pair of sweats in time.<br />
<br />
The trick is giving it a try. Then trying again once we felt scared and abandoned our mission. Then trying again and again, just like <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Little-Engine-Could-Original-Classic/dp/0448405202">the little engine that could</a>.<br />
<br />
That my friends, is how progress is made. Rome wasn't built in a day. And our lives don't get better or Moronfree in an instant. Its a process. But one that is worthwhile. Grab a friend to help you along the way if you need it. Stop and cry if you feel like it. But keep on trekking - because<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"> I know you can.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Never stop believing that you are anything less than worth it, or that someone out there doesn't care.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></span>Suzie Qhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16612983731357919856noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2041944850107676483.post-70691412890632353162011-07-04T20:02:00.000-07:002011-07-04T20:02:43.753-07:00Truth or DareBefore the <a href="http://imarriedamoronandsurvived.blogspot.com/2011/02/and-then-there-were-three.html">Lil Pixie</a> was born, I had to re-evaluate my life. It was not as if I sat down with pen and paper and wrote out a list of pros and cons, it was more of a subconscious way of thinking. I barely even knew it was happening. But as she was growing inside of me, so was I. I was growing stronger, and I was becoming more of the me I used to be. But I wasn't ready to dare to be free.<br />
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Before she was born I made a promise to her that I would give her father (the Moron) one year to be a good father. I felt I owed her that. Little did I know that helped him tremendously in the eyes of the law.<br />
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But when I look back on everything, I can at least look myself in the eye, and know that it may have been naive and foolish, but I chose my path for love. The love of my child.<br />
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Ironically we split up a year to the day of her birth - I kept that promise to her and myself. Truer words were never spoken.<br />
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No one ever wants their child to know or see that their parent is a loser. No one ever wants their child to see that their parent chose something or someone else over them. But do you ever tell your child the truth?<br />
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I have always been honest with the Lil Pixie. But I choose my words carefully, and tell her no more than she needs to age appropriately know. And I respect that she has every right to have a loving relationship with her father and enjoy all that it entails. Which is why we make something for him together every father's day. It isn't about the Moron - but about her right to love whom she chooses, and not have to pick and choose or feel guilty about it.<br />
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Does the Moron deserve it? No. Does he appreciate it. Probably not. But at the end of the day - it's not about him, and truth be told it helps me to lesson the hold he has on me. <br />
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If he was smart, he would realise that I actually am his biggest ally, as I will always choose what is right for her. Does that mean I won't tell her the truth if she asks it? No. But I dare him to even once put her first. Oh well.....one could dream - but I won't hold my breath...<br />
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I guess in the end, the truth just may set me free.....if I dare to believe it...<br />
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How do you deal with your ex in relation to your children?Suzie Qhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16612983731357919856noreply@blogger.com5