Monday, June 28, 2010

The Moron Code

There are many different types of abusers morons, and a lot of us don't even know that we are with one of them. Until we are hooked, and the patterns have been set.

Morons thrive on weaknesses, they are like cattle who walk that fence line until they find that hole or chink in the armour. Then they go for it. They hit you below the belt, then while you are off balance, find some way to blame you for your fall. Then comes the flowers and offers of forgiveness. And then the cycle continues again. Every time, something just a little different to throw you off enough not to be able to expect it, and that way you are forced to walk on eggshells. Focusing your energy on trying to avoid the next blow up, instead of saying WTF???

Morons are king manipulators and master weavers. Weaving in and out of the truth and deception. Smoke and mirrors are a moron's tools, conjuring up stories and making you feel like you are the one going crazy, continuously keeping you off balance and looking in the other direction.

Morons are cowards. And must strike you down to make themselves feel better. This of course is usually a long and drawn out process, otherwise you would be on to them. Slowly stripping away, little by little, the best parts of you.

Morons isolate you from your friends and family, and make you dependant on them. It makes them feel important and worthwhile, meanwhile forces you to give up some more control to them.

Morons tell you one thing but do the opposite.
Remember this always:  Actions DO speak louder than words...(a useful moron spotter).

The moron's energy is fear. And they use yours against you, shamelessly.

Morons are people too. They look like me and you, and are often thought of as "a great guy".

Morons were morons before they met you, you did not cause them to be, nor turn them into morons. Perhaps their past has played a large role in turning them into morons, perhaps it's a conscious decision on their part, perhaps it's the only way they know of interacting. Just know they are choosing their paths, as you are choosing yours.
If you are with a moron, there is hope for you. But YOU have to make the decision to stop the pattern.
If you are a moron, there is hope for you. But YOU have to make the decision to stop the pattern.

When you know better you do better.

I am glad to say, I now know better, even though I may be a slow learner...

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Our House

I am sure you are all waving your hands wildly, the way you do when watching a horror movie as the soon to be victims are heading straight for the killer, and shouting, "run the other way!" Yep, I walked straight into that one, let's just plummet deeper into this cavernous hole...

Well we bought the house together. Funny that I say WE, because it was actually my large amount of dollars that was put towards the down payment.  Funny that I say WE, because that was the problem, there was never actually a WE. There was a me, a dwindling me, but a me nonetheless. There was a him, and he just kept getting meaner and more power hungry, another little foible to add to the long list.

I kept making excuses for him, the new responsibility of the house, he had a stressful day, the list was endless. I never heard the end of it how he worked so hard, and all I did was take, take, take. So I took on more work. I had three jobs. I averaged about 120 hours a week - but never even close to earning the same amount of pay as he did. Therefore what I contributed wasn't equal. For someone who was so unmaterialistic, I sure was focused on money. But the funny thing was, not for me. We still had separate bank accounts, and I had no real insight to what was coming and going. Because I was NOT a money oriented person, it wasn't important to me how much was coming in. He had financial control of everything. And I was OK with that because I blindly trusted him. When you could never perceive to deceive someone a certain way, the thought never enters your mind. Perhaps one of my little foibles, I gave trust where it should have been earned.

But I had the house, and my prince (so what if he had a foible or two...), and I wasn't afraid of a little (or a lot) of hard work. I just ploughed away at the work, in hopes that the rest of my dreams would come true. This is what happens when you have the misguided notions of someone elses happiness. Or trying to fit a little girl's dreams into a woman's fantasy. Make believe and reality often don't mix, and sometimes you don't get your happily ever after...

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Friday, June 18, 2010

Innocent or Guilty?

Almost a year had gone by of living together. He had learned the most important things about me. He had learned everything he needed to know to make give up just one more thing. Slowly this super independent woman was becoming super dependant on him. He was extremely cunning, and slowly pried me away, and I stupidly followed.

Guilt. That was my kryptonite. That is what worked on me. Guilt that I wasn't doing enough. Guilt that I wasn't giving enough. Guilt that I was following my dream, while he slaved away at a job he didn't like (kinda forgot to factor in that he had chosen this occupation way before even knowing me). Guilt that I had a university degree. Guilt that I had talents that I recognized. You name it, he guilted it! And I kept falling hook line and sink her!! And I was sinking. I believe I fell into a little bit of a depression. Trying so hard to give this man everything, I was depleted. Trying to be my positive self to compensate for all the negativity, is exhausting!

I am nor have ever been a quitter. And I was determined to make this work! My wiser self could now recognize that moving on and quitting are two different things. My younger self just kept trying harder, giving more, doing more, being more, working more. Problem is, there is still only the one little me, and I just could not cover all these bases without losing parts of me along the way.

I think I was a pretty naive, innocent sort. My mother used to laugh and say she though I would be a virgin well into my 30's. Not quite true, it was mid twenties. By I was pretty innocent, and pretty trusting. Those rose coloured glasses sure didn't help. My life wasn't feeling too rosy and something deep down inside me knew it. I was very lost. Looking back I can totally see why. I was floundering and was desperately trying to find my way, but was using some one else's compass.

I finally started listening to that inner voice. I decided I needed to make a change. It was going to be BIG. Another change. A big change. I was going to move back east. Good, make my way back to where my heart belonged. I was going to start my own business, I had my little nest egg squirreled away, and was going to make my mark.

But I was still the innocent sort, and when my so-called prince jumped in and pledged his undying love for me and dumped the guilt of leaving true love, and threw in a house he would buy for us to move into so we can raise a family....

Monday, June 14, 2010

The Honeymoon Phase

Ah yes. Everyone knows this phase of the relationship. The part where we hold our tummies in, laugh at unfunny jokes, burp out of ear shot, pass gas out of the room. The part where we know the outer layer enough - but its that exterior knowledge. Not the core stuff. Not the stuff that's in our inner core where we let it all hang out and scratch and sniff ourselves in all our explicitness, without fear of repercussion or judgement. The good times.

When dealing with a man who is a great chameleon, I am not sure if you ever get to see the core. I am not sure if he even knows what exists at his core, and which ever changing exterior he is to wear. I would imagine it to be an exhausting task, changing personalities and keeping them all straight. Being wound so tight, and never having the ability to just BE, even in his pathetic existence, but to just be, nonetheless.

So having the apparent misconception of support from my new found prince, I forged on in my life as I made a huge career change, trying to get in touch with my inner artist. My first mistake (I later found out) was pursuing my dream. How dare I strive for happiness. How dare I find the courage to forge my way back on my path to happiness in all aspects of my life. After all he had given up finding his, what gave me the right to search for mine? Here I mistook his controlling nature for a firm understanding and willingness to help me succeed, only catch was, I had to play by his rules.

Lucky me, I had found me a Knight in Shining Armour with a deadly sharp Hook and a fear of horses...

Looking back now, after years of therapy, I can see the picture unravel and his little hooks and webs creep into every aspect of my life. It is so clear to me, sitting years later with my new found enlightenment and perch. Looking down on my younger troubled self, ploughing through determined to find acceptance, but slowly giving up the best parts of myself. All in the name of what was believed to be LOVE. Because isn't that the greatest reason, after all?

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Moving In Together

Beware those relationships that go wayyyyy to smoothly in the beginning. Beware the man that is over the top gracious, opens doors for you, pays all the bills, incredibly generous, and is seemingly perfect for you. There is no such thing as perfect. I am not perfect. Why I expected to find something that didn't exist, was beyond me.

Perhaps I fell into the "finding my prince" trap, although if you could see my ex, he is the farthest thing away from being a prince (I guess love is truly blind)! We are brought up with these ridiculous notions that love is grand, the world is a beautiful place, and that your prince will come along, sweep you off your feet, and you will live happily ever after... Wrong, he was a BIG toad, but I was determined to make him into a prince. One more mistake I made. A square never fits in a round hole!!! If he isn't what is right for you, stop making him the one, or ignoring the fact that he never will be...

So we rented our first place together after only knowing each other for a short while, love is a wondrous drug, which sometimes limits our rational thought! It was a bit of a dump, but it had what we needed, 2 bedrooms, kitchen, bathroom, living room, dingy basement. The idea being that the second bedroom would be my "creating" room.

Beware the man who seemingly supports your endeavours (though secretly resents you for it). I saw the first part, blindly oblivious to the second. What one often "loves" about a person is often the thing that one "hates" the most in the end.

I think I wanted, and needed someone to complete me, someone to be the perfect idea that I had in my head, that I was determined that was how my life was going to happen - regardless of what was actually happening... and thus while trying to "create" my fairytale romance, his hooks kept getting deeper and deeper...

Thursday, June 10, 2010

In the Beginning...

Hello, my name is Miss Suzie Q, and I fell in love with a moron and found out it was only the beginning…

Of course he wasn’t a moron at the very beginning – NO, that would be too easy. It’s too bad people don’t just come with labels…dumb, overbearing, cheater, moron. Then we could better choose our friends and ultimately lovers.

When they say love is blind, they weren’t kidding. Sometimes you fall for the wrong people. Sometimes you fall for the right one for the wrong reasons, and sometimes you are just stupid and fall for a moron. I was 2 for 3, mine definitely wasn’t the right one. And why is it that we are always the last to know?

We met at a time where I was grieving the loss of many things, though outwardly you wouldn’t know it. I didn’t even know it! I was grieving the loss of the expectations of my life, grieving the loss of a previous relationship which I thought was “the one”, grieving the loss of the belief that I had that everything would turn out OK. Getting to be in my late 20’s, I had expected I would have been married and having kids by now. And I wanted kids! But not with just anyone, the right someone. I think that I just sort of settled, and didn’t realize it.

We met doing some cool activities, I was always into outdoor activities, camping, hiking, things like that. He was kinda shy, kinda geeky, and very attentive. He had big ears (I thought they were endearing), and was prematurely balding (though a couple of years younger than me) and was tall and built like a stick! He had never had a girlfriend before, and he was agreeable to everything I did – but not too agreeable. He seemed to say EXACTLY what I wanted to hear. We became close friends at first. Somehow I think I fell in love with the man he wanted to be. And I was too naive to know the difference.

The warning signs were all there, but I just didn’t see them - for I must have been wearing my rose coloured glasses. Looking back, I am unsure if I was in denial, or he was a good actor. You see those who have a lot to hide, can be quite good chameleons, and great about fooling everyone, or at least most. You know how your picture perfect neighbour turns out to be a serial killer?

I am quite the artistic sort, which I believe lends itself to feeling things deeply. This can of course be a downfall, especially for all the BIG emotions, like Love, Sadness, Hurt. But it can also be a great gift, as I appreciate all the little things with as much fervor as the BIB things.

Needless to say, our friendship blossomed, and then we moved in together…
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