Friday, June 18, 2010

Innocent or Guilty?

Almost a year had gone by of living together. He had learned the most important things about me. He had learned everything he needed to know to make give up just one more thing. Slowly this super independent woman was becoming super dependant on him. He was extremely cunning, and slowly pried me away, and I stupidly followed.

Guilt. That was my kryptonite. That is what worked on me. Guilt that I wasn't doing enough. Guilt that I wasn't giving enough. Guilt that I was following my dream, while he slaved away at a job he didn't like (kinda forgot to factor in that he had chosen this occupation way before even knowing me). Guilt that I had a university degree. Guilt that I had talents that I recognized. You name it, he guilted it! And I kept falling hook line and sink her!! And I was sinking. I believe I fell into a little bit of a depression. Trying so hard to give this man everything, I was depleted. Trying to be my positive self to compensate for all the negativity, is exhausting!

I am nor have ever been a quitter. And I was determined to make this work! My wiser self could now recognize that moving on and quitting are two different things. My younger self just kept trying harder, giving more, doing more, being more, working more. Problem is, there is still only the one little me, and I just could not cover all these bases without losing parts of me along the way.

I think I was a pretty naive, innocent sort. My mother used to laugh and say she though I would be a virgin well into my 30's. Not quite true, it was mid twenties. By I was pretty innocent, and pretty trusting. Those rose coloured glasses sure didn't help. My life wasn't feeling too rosy and something deep down inside me knew it. I was very lost. Looking back I can totally see why. I was floundering and was desperately trying to find my way, but was using some one else's compass.

I finally started listening to that inner voice. I decided I needed to make a change. It was going to be BIG. Another change. A big change. I was going to move back east. Good, make my way back to where my heart belonged. I was going to start my own business, I had my little nest egg squirreled away, and was going to make my mark.

But I was still the innocent sort, and when my so-called prince jumped in and pledged his undying love for me and dumped the guilt of leaving true love, and threw in a house he would buy for us to move into so we can raise a family....

10 comments:

viewfromdownhere said...

My heart hurts for you as I read this because my sister went through such a similar situation, and I just hate it. I'm glad you're out of it and getting stronger, and I look forward to reading more...

shannon i olson said...

my mom was married to a moron, not my dad, but an angry abusive man for about 4 years when I was growing up. I remember too many fists in her face, ambulances, destroyed furniture, drunken trips down the wrong side of the road.
Lasting effects, I spent so many years being angry.
Good to hear your on a new path. God BLess you and may he heal your heart and soul.

mangiabella said...

found you via SITS/blogfrog and i am honored to now be following you on this site, your strength and courage are an inspiration (my mom was married to a moron) - would love to have you follow me on my journey at mangia-bella.blogspot.com

keep shining sweet bella

moabhw said...

Great blog! I was almost married to a moron...but thank goodness I got away. But for three years I endured/went through a lot of the same stuff you speak of here. I had to add you to my blogroll, can't wait to read more.

Grandmother Crone said...

Really important post. Suzie Q, I so hope the undying love and new house work out. Your moron is an A+
man-ipulator. Speaking from personal experience . . .
How about that woman who is married to an alcoholic or an emotional or physical abuser. He does his stuff, then cries and brings flowers and swears he will change himself. Time after time after time. When should she stop buying it? To thine own self be true.

Suzie Q said...

Moabhw, I am glad you are free, I hope you enjoy my site:)
Grandmother Crone, yes, it was a hard expensive lesson to learn, but to thine own self be true :) Well put!

Kelly said...

I think you may have described many young girls' lives...I think the fact you are writing this is very important for our future female generation.

Suzie Q said...

Thank you, Kelly. I really hope I can make a difference.

Suzie Q said...

Grandmother Crone, yes, it was a hard expensive lesson to learn, but to thine own self be true :) Well put!

Suzie Q said...

I am glad you are free, I hope you enjoy my site:)

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