Wedding Plans

I was engaged. To a Moron. Foolishly, I thought things were going good... Boy could my perspective have been further off.

I am often amazed at my own personal ability to rationalize things, despite all the red flags - sometimes flares that were going off...

I had gone home for a visit, and my mother and I had found the perfect dress, well I had found the perfect dress - she of course had other ideas. And although I entertained those ideas briefly, I went back to the first dress I had found, which I had fallen in love with, and I bought it. It was gorgeous. Not at all princess like, fun, flirty and perfect for our beach wedding.

We had decided to have a destination wedding as it avoided all the pitfalls, the planning, the decisions (the fights), dealing with my mother in law, the having it in the little northern piss-ant town we lived in, and to escape my life as I knew it. Problem is, my focus changed to the "wedding" instead of the "marriage". I actually think this happens alot, in many different forms. For me it was just the focus I needed to temporarily distract me from everyday life with a moron, and concentrate on a wonderful day.  On my quest to convince myself I would live my happily ever after.

So my mom visited before the BIG day (she had to travel as we lived on the other side of the country), and was helping me shorten my dress so I wouldn't trip in the sand. Silent, uncontrollable tears just kept falling from my eyes. One by salty one, they flowed down my new gown as I stood on a stool, as my mother put pins in my new wedding dress.

After a while, my mother asked me what was wrong (not big on open discussions in my family). I said that I didn't know. In truth I didn't. In truth my subconscious self was grieving the loss of my authentic self as she had taken a back seat. She had stepped out of the driver's seat of her own life and was desperately trying to get my conscience self get back in there. Unfortunately I was still in denial, and was choosing not to listen.

I can remember my mother asking, in her way, if I wanted to call it off,  "Even though the invitations are sent, trip is paid for, plans are made, and everyone's flights is paid..." Yep, the guilt clinched it, I had made my choice, the course was set.....but the tears kept falling...