Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Wedding Plans

I was engaged. To a Moron. Foolishly, I thought things were going good... Boy could my perspective have been further off.

I am often amazed at my own personal ability to rationalize things, despite all the red flags - sometimes flares that were going off...

I had gone home for a visit, and my mother and I had found the perfect dress, well I had found the perfect dress - she of course had other ideas. And although I entertained those ideas briefly, I went back to the first dress I had found, which I had fallen in love with, and I bought it. It was gorgeous. Not at all princess like, fun, flirty and perfect for our beach wedding.

We had decided to have a destination wedding as it avoided all the pitfalls, the planning, the decisions (the fights), dealing with my mother in law, the having it in the little northern piss-ant town we lived in, and to escape my life as I knew it. Problem is, my focus changed to the "wedding" instead of the "marriage". I actually think this happens alot, in many different forms. For me it was just the focus I needed to temporarily distract me from everyday life with a moron, and concentrate on a wonderful day.  On my quest to convince myself I would live my happily ever after.

So my mom visited before the BIG day (she had to travel as we lived on the other side of the country), and was helping me shorten my dress so I wouldn't trip in the sand. Silent, uncontrollable tears just kept falling from my eyes. One by salty one, they flowed down my new gown as I stood on a stool, as my mother put pins in my new wedding dress.

After a while, my mother asked me what was wrong (not big on open discussions in my family). I said that I didn't know. In truth I didn't. In truth my subconscious self was grieving the loss of my authentic self as she had taken a back seat. She had stepped out of the driver's seat of her own life and was desperately trying to get my conscience self get back in there. Unfortunately I was still in denial, and was choosing not to listen.

I can remember my mother asking, in her way, if I wanted to call it off,  "Even though the invitations are sent, trip is paid for, plans are made, and everyone's flights is paid..." Yep, the guilt clinched it, I had made my choice, the course was set.....but the tears kept falling...


19 comments:

ARS said...

I know. ... It's amazing, isn't it, the belief that the 'love' you see in them should be enough to carry you through whatever (utterly correct) doubt you feel ...
Thank you for your utterly true story.

Ms. Understood said...

It really is hard to break that guilt of feeling that everyone is going to be disappointed . . . everyone this . . . everyone that. Everyone doesn't have to live with the moron. You do. My cousin had to break it off with her fiance. He got a reality check when he realized that she was willing to lose the money she invested for her sanity and he could either shape up or ship out. He chose to get it together.

Suzie Q said...

ARS, so true... thanx for reading.
Ms. Understood, I wish I could have learned this lesson earlier, but alas this was the road I was meant to take, and wonderful things have happened as a result of meeting and leaving m moron.

viewfromdownhere said...

Wow...this sounds all too familiar. My best friend was married to a moron and she felt much the same way the day of her wedding...her mother even asked her if she wanted out and she didn't get out. He hit her for the first time the night of their wedding.

This just breaks my heart...I'm so glad you are now out and happier.

jennohara said...

I'm your newest follower...the latest post broke my heart! I'm sorry for what you went through, but I'm so glad you got out!

sherri said...

I think many of us fall into the trap of fantasizing and focusing on the wedding... the marriage is just a by-product... and that trap gets many of us rooked into something we know nothing about....

But.... I do think that all these trips during life,well, we learn from them... they teach us what is truly important, they help us find ourselves - our true selves - and they help us learn how to really love...

Thanks for sharing!!

Gran said...

In some ways, I wished that I had listened to my gut that something was wrong, just before I walked down the aisle. But I wouldn't have my son now, and six great grandchildren.

I can't wait to read more of your story.

Sole Sister Salma said...

Reading this blog is like therapy...wish I had blogs to read in "those" days. Wish I had found yours...then again, wish I never knew any morons...

Being Me said...

I keep agreeing as I read, I can just see myself more than 20 yrs ago when I got engaged to a moron..... who is still a moron today.

The one thing I remind myself over and over again today is ..if you know you have been stupid, naive etc it doesn't mean you continue to live being stupid.

Made a mistake (albeit huge one) stop living that way, learn from it ... move on.. It's harder to practise than say .. I know.. been there done that....My story is not over just yet.

Thank you for sharing.

This Belle Rocks said...

Oh, I have been there!

JoAnn said...

I've been moron free for more than 15 years. I married a moron and shortly after I left that moron, I moved in with an even bigger moron. I seem to be a slow learner. I regret none of it. I have a beautiful daughter, and I have developed an inner strength that I didn't start out with.

Bravo to you on your blog, and on finding the strength and belief in yourself to take care of yourself and move on.

Suzie Q said...

Ms. Understood, I wish I could have learned this lesson earlier, but alas this was the road I was meant to take, and wonderful things have happened as a result of meeting and leaving m moron.

Suzie Q said...

ARS, so true... thanx for reading

Suzie Q said...

I feel the same way... the only thing I would change is what happened after I had her....

Suzie Q said...

Yes, but there were obviously things we needed to learn, and hopefully we have :)

Suzie Q said...

I hope the past tense means you are out :)

Suzie Q said...

From another survivor, lets cheer to life after MOronville :)

Suzie Q said...

Live and learn. Some are slower learners than others :)
Thanx for following me.

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