Monday, November 29, 2010

Pregnancy with a Moron - Part 4

So my last trimester of pregnancy was my most action packed one, in more ways then one. I was on sick leave – as per the doctor’s orders – and was getting a little scared. My blood pressure was rising as well as my little Pixie’s inside of me. But considering what was going on outside of the womb, I guess it was to be expected.

The Moron was in full force the last couple of months of the pregnancy. I can only assume it was the encroaching responsibility of a little person, and the increase of $$ it would mean bringing one into this world. Yep, probably the money thing, sad really that the Moron’s nemesis was some printed paper.

As I was resting – as per doctor’s orders – and of course worrying about the health of my lil Pixie, the Moron was trying to get me to get a job under the table. I wasn’t paying my way, you see.

As I was trying to figure out how to make some money (with all of my muscles in my stomach and abdomen – and some I didn’t know I even had – were in agony) the Moron went into the studio and sold things for super cheap. All of my art and creative musings, “ Five bucks, everything for five bucks” he would tell customers.

As I was selling all my prized possessions, and all that gave me some joy (such as my dirt bike, which he threw in my hand painted helmet for free to the new owner) the Moron said we had to sell my car and go down to one vehicle.

Let me explain that we lived about 30 minutes from the nearest town (population 2500) and about 1 1/2 – 2 hours from the closest “real” town (ie working hospital). Being home alone – let alone with a newborn baby – without a vehicle would be absolutely crazy, not to mention unsafe.

The Moron earned a really good income, but it was considered “HIS” money. Up until this point, I didn’t care about that, being a non-materialistic person that I am. I think he just couldn’t overcome the struggle of being out o control of every situation. And let me tell you – babies will do that to you. You really have no control over them, they have their own way :)

I loved my SUV – and I HAD BOUGHT IT MYSELF, but, I had a small amount left owing on it, and no idea how I could pay that off as the Moron refused to help me, and my maternity would not cover that expense as well as pay for all of the new baby stuff. This is what angered the Moron. And the closer I came to my due date, the more outraged he became. With my savings blown from the bathroom, I had nowhere left to turn, and I started to spiral downwards.

I think as the Moron stepped up the Emotional and Financial Abuse, I felt more and more trapped, and realized that this was no way for a child to be raised. I started to see the light. I think the whole time that this little entity was growing inside of me, my innerself was also growing – growing stronger, growing wiser, growing more authentic. I think the Moron could sense me pulling away, could sense something happening on a level he could not understand. But he had to step it up, as losing was not an option for him. The Moron would joke about killing me in my final month, but salvaging the baby – and I would never get to meet her. He would joke about hiring OJ Simpson’s lawyer to get him off.

The Moron’s depression/anger reached its heightened state when he told me that if I ever left him, he would kill me and take the Pixie away from me forever…

This fear that was instilled in me – is still there. That is something that will never leave you, no matter what is said and done. Some things can never be undone. You can live through them, work through them, but it is always there...

36 comments:

Eschelle Westwood said...

my heart aches for you. What a horrible person he is.

Christine said...

oh. wow.
when my kids were little, I was scared stiff that my ex would pack up on his days with the kids and take them across the country to where his parents lived at the time. but, he never threatened to kill me. or them. and, I knew where his parents lived :-)

joaniemack said...

I'm sick to my stomach at the thought of what you went through with this asshole.

Billie said...

Oh, I so hope you are in a safe place and he doesn't know where you are. I didn't even have those threats made to me and my heart jumped out of my chest the other day when there was an unexpected knock at my door. These kind of men work hard to isolate you so they have more control. I'm so glad you are out of that situation. I hope you got your fair share in the divorce...

Kelly said...

Suzie, your Moron sounds like he is just unable to express his emotions - like he is emotionally stunted. Scary thing is his temper tantrums have increased to adult proportions, although his emotional state remains in infancy. I am glad you are out. I know it's of little consequence, but the Moron will get what's coming to him, and it sounds like he has little going for him, like my Moron, he is envious of the amazing person that you are :)

L. Eleana said...

I just went numb reading this. I can't even comment about him without saying something pretty f*&^ed up, so I will not even dwell on him. I'm glad you're okay.

Dee said...

oh the emotions this triggers in me (mine didn't threaten to harm me, but he threatened to kill himself). all i can say is that i wish i could give you a hug and that i am so glad you (and i, and the rest of us who broke free from Morons) don't have to live this anymore.

Suzie Q said...

yes, we are. hopefully we can help others from falling into this trap!

Suzie Q said...

Thank you, and yes I am, now :)

Suzie Q said...

Yes I am amazing aren't I ?!?! LOL!!! Yep, you definitely got that right, The Moron is an immature doofus!

Suzie Q said...

Unfortunately having a child with a Moron, and our current court systems do not allow such things, that any rational human would think. Instead I focus on the positives and do not allow this Moron to control my thoughts or my being...the best that I can.

Suzie Q said...

The key is that I survived, and that I will no longer allow any one to treat me this way again!

Suzie Q said...

I feel sorry for him, and his pathetic little life...

Suzie Q said...

The court systems really aren't your ally when dealing with a manipulative Moron and very minimal finances...

Chaplain Donna said...

It took me awhile to read this post because your stories of abuse touch me in a personal way. I find places in my heart that have not healed when I read your posts. But after I am done reading I am stronger and even more determined to fight for complete Empowered Peace!

Theresa Hughes said...

What a Moron! Man, I am glad you are rid of this moron and using this kind of outlet. Good for you, I love your blog!

Doreen said...

Hi there. Hope all is well with you. No update for a while. Getting worried. I thought you might enjoy this post: http://manicmondays123.blogspot.com/2010/12/today-is-my-anniversary-and-im.html

Adrienne said...

It must have been hard going through your pregnancy with that kind of support system. (Or lack thereof) I hope you will be able to one overcome that fear that's stuck with you.

Suzie Q said...

I am finding this particular story hard to get out, and think that is partly why it has taken me so long to finish it. But The pixie is ultimately the reason i was able to leave - she gave me the strength to, so it's funny how life comes full circle...
I too realise where I need to do more healing work. Sending us both strength and wisdom for ourselves and others to learn from...

suburp said...

wow. this is VERY close to my own story, besides ME being the one with the job and him just doing fraud on the internet (as it turned out). we lived far too isolated for my taste and he made me sell my sweet car just before i gave birth. his threats were getting worse too (he also beat me pregnant AND with newborn in arms) but just like you, and as I said in my other comment, my child gave me the strength and a feeling of obligation towards it to just GET OUT. survived! but we came close.. x

suburp said...

wow. this is VERY close to my own story, besides ME being the one with the job and him just doing fraud on the internet (as it turned out). we lived far too isolated for my taste and he made me sell my sweet car just before i gave birth. his threats were getting worse too (he also beat me pregnant AND with newborn in arms) but just like you, and as I said in my other comment, my child gave me the strength and a feeling of obligation towards it to just GET OUT. survived! but we came close.. x

Suzie Q said...

I am so glad that you are out :)
They have a way of doing that don't they? We give them life (birth) but they end up saving ours...

Suzie Q said...

I am not sure if you ever overcome it, but more learn to live with it and not let it overcome you.

Suzie Q said...

Hi Doreen, just been so busy... thanks for caring :)

Suzie Q said...

Thanks Theresa. Life is one huge learning curve...

suburp said...

absolutely. I needed a few more month to be able to act on it but I had a moment of absolute clarity when it became clear that he had NO consideration for a baby's present (basically drumming his fists on my back as our child stood in the playpen watching. and screaming.). enough.

Suzie Q said...

I am so proud of YOU. That must have taken a lot of courage and strength. And most of all love for your child.

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