Friday, August 27, 2010

Triggers - Wish I Was Roy Rogers...

I wish my Trigger looked more like Roy Roger's infamous horse. Instead it is countless little movements and feelings that bring me back there, and paralyze me with fear.

As I write this now, I am years away from when I got married. I am years away from my separation, and a couple of years away from my divorce. But the wounds are still there. And just because the imminent danger is not glaring me down ... it is still there. It's hard to move on, from something so painful. It's hard to learn to live again, when something was taken. It's hard to regain, when something is lost.

The nightmare is over, but not forgotten, and even those close to me cannot understand the lasting impression something like that, makes in your life. To describe it in words is impossible to someone who has not been there. To describe the fear of your child's life or the everyday paranoia that was felt, is irrelevant to someone who has not experienced it.

There are the smallest of moments that choke me, when I realize that the fear is still there, lying still inside of me, and may never be gone. The smallest of moves that someone makes, and I am frozen as I am transported back to a place that resembles my Moron's existence - and ultimately my own.

Places and words can transport me back in an instance, even if minutely. Friends and family have no idea of the toll this has taken on me, as in their mind it is over.  They cannot comprehend that it is important to ME that I say goodnight to my daughter, or that I be afforded the duties of being her mother.

What others don't realize is that when you have been fighting for your life and of that of your daughter, then you have a different connection to them, and that certain things are more important to you then if you hadn't almost lost them. I have no doubt that most Mothers like to kiss their babies goodnight and make sure they are safe and sound. When you have almost lost your child, this becomes a little more important, even when the danger fades. Its something normal Moms, can't comprehend, nor should they.

Somethings you just can't get over, you just find a way in dealing with them. Like losing someone important in your life. You can never get them back, instead you find a way to move on with their memory intact.

Part of my healing is learning to find my triggers, and releasing them. But keeping my senses strong. Sometimes it is difficult to decide if this is a trigger, or if this is my spidey senses going off. After years of pushing down my authentic self, in sense my intuition, I still am finding my way listening to it.

But learning to release my triggers, is another way of releasing myself of the Moron's hold. Ultimately you cannot control what someone will do to you. And that is a hard one to grasp, while fear has a grasp of you.

As with all of life's obstacles, finding your way, the journey to the other side, is the important piece. It's the part where you learn and often re-learn the things you need to know. And when one journey is over, another one begins. Life is funny that way. Always another hurdle. So for tonight, I will count this one a win. Sometimes I get caught up in the struggle, sometimes i lose, and sometimes, like tonight, I remember that I am in control. I am in control of how I choose to live, and learning to do it without fear.

Mark it on your score cards boys, another win for Miss Suzie Q.

Monday, August 23, 2010

My Beautiful Beach Wedding - Despite the Moron

So off we went to Mexico. I think a part of me kept hoping for a LOUD and DISTINCT sign that this was a mistake. But no plane crash, no hurricanes, no guests dropping from heart attacks...

It was however a beautiful ceremony, on an absolutely beautiful beach, at a beautiful resort. I am very glad we decided to go this way. Had we had a typical wedding ceremony, I would not have been able to look back on it with fondness. In this case however, there was no "real" hassles (which meant fewer BIG fights) and I could enjoy the sun, the surf, and being with family :)

Probably to the outside world, we looked like a cute, happy couple, getting married on a beautiful beach, surrounded by our loved ones... Ah, to have seen my life thru someone else's eyes...

The ceremony itself was in Spanish, and was translated (rather roughly). Absolutely beautiful. Though, I think it lessened the impact of our union. Looking back, somehow, I think the gravity of the situation was lost in translation. It didn't really seem real, and didn't really seem like a big deal. Because I believe it should be a BIG deal. It is a very important step, and a super intimate bond that is forming.

And as I looked at my Moron, sweat beading from his brow, I didn't feel that impact. I just felt the sun...

I was determined to enjoy those two wonderful weeks there, and I must say I am incredibly resilient, and have an amazing capacity for viewing the world as half full!! Oh, and can't forget my old friend denial, she kept me company, here and for many years after.

My Moron was a moody sort, but I had lots of places to see and people to go with :) And did I mention the food??? To die for! Had lots of that, as there was little happening in the bedroom - if you know what I mean!!! I can be creative with excuses, but somehow stupidly thought this trip, our union, would spice up my desire... not in the least.

I learned later on in life, that loss in sex drive is a very familiar side effect of abuse. And has more to do with your partner than you. If Morons only knew this... they just may change their ways :) Well, probably not...

Money is, and probably will always be, the most important priority in my Morons life, sadly. And eventhough it was my parents who paid for our vacation (our wedding present) I was on a strict budget, and could not buy anything without his permission. But he was an unworldly sort, and didn't know that credit cards worked everywhere ;)

So my beach wedding was beautiful, and the trip still holds some very good memories for me. The Moron however, is in very few of them, amazingly. Funny how that is! The Moron also took all memories of this day (photo albums, wedding DVD, etc) when he left. Why? My best guess is that it held many photos that I had no duplicates of, as they were of and from my family. Vindictiveness rages strong in a Moron.

Friday, August 20, 2010

My BlogFrog Community

Hello all :) I have started my own BlogFrog Community. It is a very neat place to share ideas, discuss Moron disinfectant, exchange stories, learn Moron shedding techniques, learn about great blogs, discuss life, share Moronlore, find and gain readership... and it's absolutely free :) I have met some of the most amazing people here and intend to use it as another platform to further our Movement.

Visit My BlogFrog Community!

However, I am still stuck on a name for our coveted Movement. SO please vote to the right and/or leave a comment stating your choice for the name of the Movement. Something catchy, something unique, but above all - something fitting!

Feel free to stop by my BlogFrog community and leave a comment and/or suggestion for a name there.

Have a great weekend!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Wedding Plans

I was engaged. To a Moron. Foolishly, I thought things were going good... Boy could my perspective have been further off.

I am often amazed at my own personal ability to rationalize things, despite all the red flags - sometimes flares that were going off...

I had gone home for a visit, and my mother and I had found the perfect dress, well I had found the perfect dress - she of course had other ideas. And although I entertained those ideas briefly, I went back to the first dress I had found, which I had fallen in love with, and I bought it. It was gorgeous. Not at all princess like, fun, flirty and perfect for our beach wedding.

We had decided to have a destination wedding as it avoided all the pitfalls, the planning, the decisions (the fights), dealing with my mother in law, the having it in the little northern piss-ant town we lived in, and to escape my life as I knew it. Problem is, my focus changed to the "wedding" instead of the "marriage". I actually think this happens alot, in many different forms. For me it was just the focus I needed to temporarily distract me from everyday life with a moron, and concentrate on a wonderful day.  On my quest to convince myself I would live my happily ever after.

So my mom visited before the BIG day (she had to travel as we lived on the other side of the country), and was helping me shorten my dress so I wouldn't trip in the sand. Silent, uncontrollable tears just kept falling from my eyes. One by salty one, they flowed down my new gown as I stood on a stool, as my mother put pins in my new wedding dress.

After a while, my mother asked me what was wrong (not big on open discussions in my family). I said that I didn't know. In truth I didn't. In truth my subconscious self was grieving the loss of my authentic self as she had taken a back seat. She had stepped out of the driver's seat of her own life and was desperately trying to get my conscience self get back in there. Unfortunately I was still in denial, and was choosing not to listen.

I can remember my mother asking, in her way, if I wanted to call it off,  "Even though the invitations are sent, trip is paid for, plans are made, and everyone's flights is paid..." Yep, the guilt clinched it, I had made my choice, the course was set.....but the tears kept falling...

Sunday, August 8, 2010

The Moron-Free Movement


This is our most recent poll. Only 13% of you are blissfully happy and Moron-proof. 32% of you have avian friends with colourful carpets, and 18% of you share DNA with a Moron - lucky you! And 37% of you should've spent the day in the psych ward.

What does this say about our world? Well for one, there are more morons in this world than there are needed.  Another thing is we have to spread the word. Morons beware. There is a movement coming. 

We need T-shirts and secret handshakes, and a catchy phrase. Well, seriously we only need the catchy phrase. And we need to educate our daughters, sisters, mothers, friends and co-workers. We need to stand up tall and proud, and not stand for this unacceptable Moron behaviour anymore. 

I am trying to come up with a name for our me out here...

Friday, August 6, 2010

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Well I had denial working for me, and hadn't learned how to create boundaries yet, so I stayed in my crazy world and convinced myself I was happy. And there were many moments of happiness.

Like the time I tried to start my own art business, and built a beautiful art studio on our property. I was so proud of myself for going after my dreams, and making a business plan, and getting the loan to build it.

Problem was my moron didn't like it when I was happy, it meant he couldn't keep me under his thumb. I think his real fear was that it meant I might discover that happiness was what I really wanted, and he would lose me. Better to beat me down, then have no fear of me leaving. It's funny how he ultimately created what he was most scared of... just took me awhile...

I had definite moments of clarity in the many years of living with my moron. And we broke up quite a few times. Problem was I obviously could not decide whether to ultimately stay or go, always got sucked back in. I always believed things would be different. The truth looking back, is that I knew it wouldn't be any different. and Why would it be? History had proven to me time and time again that it wouldn't. But I hoped it would be. That is the difference. Recognizing what you want and what you have, are sometimes two very different things.

Until you can tell the difference of reality (which isn't easy with a moron manipulating you and your world) and what you wish your reality to be, then you are stuck, and you have given up your control to someone else.

I was OK with buying a house and living with a guy, but I had traditional values, and there was NO way I was going to have a child without being married first. It’s just what I wanted, not really sure why, but it was something that was important to me. Maybe because it's that final commitment that is given when you marry someone. Maybe because you have some sort of accountability (or so I thought) and it meant that you had chosen this person to live with for the rest of your life with…

One day during one of my moments of clarity, I had decided that things needed to change. We needed to see someone. I had this feeling, like an itch at the back of my brain, that yeah I had some stuff to deal with, and yeah, we had some normal couple stuff to deal with, but there was something up with my moron. Something that really had nothing to do with me. Something that would put whatever girl he was with right in my shoes.

I realize looking back now, that was the first moment I knew I was in an abusive relationship. The first moment I let me conscious self in on that little secret. Or at least a glimmer of it. While we were at couples therapy that day, in the middle of the session, my moron stood up, and said "that was it". He was done. We were done. And walked out.

I remember being shocked. The counsellor was shocked too. And I went home, and he moved out for two weeks. I remember feeling relieved.

What I didn't know then, but can see so clearly now, was that The counsellor was getting close to the problem, he was making my moron sweat, and he could see he was losing his control over me. He had to cause a commotion, shake things up, take our focus away from actually getting to the root of the problem - the abuse. And it worked.

And I fell for it hook line and sinker, again. For two weeks he lived at a friends place, and when he came back, he was a changed man! He had learned, he had been saved, he had seen the error of his ways, he had felt the hurt and pain of losing me and now he knew what he wanted. I was the girl of his dreams, and wait for it... yes, he wanted to marry me.

Bet you can see where this is all heading...

Monday, August 2, 2010

Denial - The Waiting Room

We lived in our house for many years. Like everything in life, there was some good and some bad. I guess the test is does the good outweigh the bad? Does the good make all the bad worth it? I have one word for you here:

Denial is quite the amazing thing. I think there are uses for denial, because I believe at this stage we are getting ready to act to do something. At the denial stage we have not let our consciousness know what is exactly up, as there is FEAR of repercussions. There is FEAR that something has got to change. Something needs to be different. Difference and change can be very scary things, and sometimes our subconscious self knows that we are not quite ready do deal with these… and we stay in that denial place until we are ready to do the work. Until we are stronger and fortified enough to plough through whatever we need to, to come out the other end of the change that needs to happen.

I believe our Authentic selves each owns a map and compass to our lives. The trick is being in tuned with her to read them. The denial stage is like a BIG waiting room, and we can sit around and read many good books, and meet interesting peoples here, but we have work to do, and it doesn’t get done in the waiting room. Your Authentic Self knows there is work to do, she even knows what you are supposed to do, and how you are supposed to do it!! They key is to be open to listening. And this isn’t always easy!
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