Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Denial and Biological Clocks Don't Mix

Marriage life was, well, married life. And marriage to a Moron, well, was at times like a prison sentence. But you survive day to day, and don't even think about the why.

This was the person I had chosen to spend the rest of my life with, and dammit, I was going to make it work. Whenever the topic of children came up, they were always followed by money. Because my Moron was all about power and money, well one fed into the other.

I am not sure of the things that we tell ourselves, the blinders we put on, the special glasses that block us from seeing what is directly infront of our faces - DENIAL in its fullest.

I always knew I wanted children. Here I was married, and not getting any younger... and my biological clock was a tickin'...

After one more time of his leaving, and us getting back together, we decided a child was what we needed to complete this family.  I cannot tell you what craziness sometimes takes over you. I cannot explain to you how you rationalize things and make them sound so perfectly in your head.  I can tell you I am an intelligent woman - but sometimes your intelligence just goes out the window, and your desire takes over.

Desire to lead a normal, happy life. Desire to have a child and family that you always wanted. Desire to be "living the dream" even when you are in the middle of a nightmare.

So we tried for a child. It took us one day. Yep, one day (and thank goodness cuz my Moron really ain't all that - and there is only so much denial that can be going on)!

I knew right away I had conceived. I knew right away it was a little girl. And a part of me knew right away I was in for the fight of my life...

18 comments:

Jo Frances said...

Hi There! I have given you the Versatile Blogger Award. Please stop by my blog to pick it up when you have time.

Jo
http://www.over40style.com

Suzie Q said...

Ah yes, let's hope that we have learnt our lesson...

Suzie Q said...

I am always happy to be of some inspiration :) Way to go!!!!

Kali Capps said...

Also, in my experience, at least, the manipulated tend to run the same lap. From someone who "would never be that woman who stayed", it is amazing how we can mind f*ck ourselves into oblivion.

Doreen Lombardo said...

Just wanted to say you inspired me. I wrote a few blogs. http://manicmondays123.blogspot.com/2010/09/i-read-great-blog.html

B M said...

I can commiserate on the intelligence part and how the moron virus infects the brain , always wanting to compensate and hope ... (sigh..)..
I hope I can only be blind once in my life...:)

Suzie Q said...

yes, manipulators are very similar and lack originality...

Suzie Q said...

Unfortunately no...and she pays the price...

Daisy said...

It sounds like you have your priorities straight, but I bet he didn't and doesn't. That is unless he got some help. Children give you such strength...I'm always amazed.

Suzie Q said...

Being a mother is the most important thing to me, and has always been my priority. Above all else, she inspired me to be the best person that I could be, and also gave me the strength to do it.

Suzie Q said...

Being a mother is the most important thing to me, and has always been my priority. Above all else, she inspired me to be the best person that I could be, and also gave me the strength to do it.

Daisy said...

Hello Suzie,

You were not the first and sadly will not be the last. Couples that are just bored, or need common direction in their lives can indeed be "saved" if you will by a child in their life. However, as you have figured out you had deeper problems that weren't clear to you at the time..... I think I did the same thing, and I beat myself up for a while over it. You inspire me to write in my blog...if only I had more time!
Daisy

Kelly said...

Oh wow, sometimes I think you are describing my life... as always, another great post!!!

Suzie Q said...

She most certainly is, she is my silver lining and ray of sunshine.

Suzie Q said...

She most certainly is, she is my silver lining and ray of sunshine.

Chaplain Donna said...

It is amazing how we can talk ourselves into believing a crazy situation will get better if A, B or C happens. Life with morons will not change until they change, they leave, they die or you leave. It is quite simple, but extremly difficult to act upon when you are in the situation. Thank goodness for your little sunshine. I know she is the light and goodness of your life.

Suzie Q said...

Thank you so much :)

Anonymous said...

thanks

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