Project Ninja Suzie

I have been thinking alot about fear, and the effects it has had on my life.  One of my readers, Mathew, left a comment "fear dominates human feelings and emotion more than any other... The fact that you're aware of this is huge with regards to overcoming it," which has got me thinking more and more about fear.  I want to take more steps to overcoming my fear.

Our last poll showed that the majority of people who took the poll, when faced with physical fear they either run or hide.  So I see I am in good company.

WHEN FACED WITH PHYSICAL FEAR I

I started this blog for many reasons.  To share my story.  To hopefully enlighten and educate.  To help fellow victims of abuse, and lastly to help myself with my own journey of healing.  I have overcome and conquered many things along the way, but this fear thing is kicking me in the ass.  I think it's time I kicked back!!!!

I have decided to overcome my fears, and empower myself in the process.  And of course I will document my steps (and falls) along the way. I have decided to join my local kickboxing club.

Just so you know - I have never once thrown a punch in my life.  I avoid confrontation like the plague. And although I love me a good action movie, physical violence awakens that flight part of me that I am hoping to overcome.  I think kickboxing will not only be great for my self esteem, provide some self defence training it will also be an awesome fitness provider.

I can recall when I first left the Moron, I did not have much.  I got sole custody - he pretty much got the rest.  I would splurge on things like fresh fruit, milk, and once in a blue moon - Oreo cookies.  But they were all for the lil Pixie.  As a mom, its just what you do, your kids come first - in everything.

With all my jobs (I have one full time and 2 part-time, plus I volunteer at a couple different places) and being a single mom, money as well as time are pretty slim.  But I decided to bite the bullet and do something for me, for once.  I am sure all of you mothers know what I am talking about.  Your kids come first in all respects, and you are always last on the list for everything. But I decided my underwear can wait (they were at the top of my list).

My little sister said something to me the other day which has been gnawing at my consciousness.  She said (and I am paraphrasing) "By finding time, and allowing myself my own things, I am teaching my girls that I am important.  That I deserve it.  This in turn will teach them they are important and they too should strive to achieve their goals and claim them.  No one else is going to do it for them".  Now she isn't a selfish Mom who just does her own thing - but she has always made time (even if it's here and there) for her goals and her needs, while balancing them with that of the family.

I think victims of abuse have similar natures, or at least they are stripped of them so that they always put their Morons first.  They walk on eggshells to avoid conflict, they tiptoe thru life as to not to upset the delicate balance of the Moron's shifting moods.  They are brainwashed to feel like they do not matter, their lives and needs are below their Morons.  That is what I had become.

In some ways I still play the dance, as to not cause the Moron to take some kind of vengeance at the Lil Pixie's expense.  For instance, not allowing me to talk to her when she is on court ordered visitation.  I feel kickboxing will help boost my confidence, keep me in shape, and help me learn to deal with confrontation better (ie stand my ground instead of fleeing), and thus Project Ninja Suzie was born.

The cost is pretty steep (for me, anyways) - $80/month but I am hoping the rewards will be worth it.  So if any of you feel the desire to chip in a buck or two to help in this endeavour, I have posted a donate button below and in the sidebar.  No pressure - just thought I would throw it out there...

When someone threatens your life, or the life of your child, that fear never goes away.  But if you allow that fear to monopolize your life, then you give your power away. I will not lie, the thought of even starting kickboxing kinda scares me, but I want all my power back.  I need to step out of my comfort zone, and push my limits.  I am done with feeling weak and powerless.  I am done with having no control.  I cannot control what other people do or say, but I sure as hell can control what I do or how I react to it.  I will not be a victim anymore.  I am going to put on the gloves...