Wednesday, July 27, 2011

BIG Promises

Before my Lil Pixie was born, I swore that I would protect her.  But I also felt I owed her to allow her the chance to get to know her father - eventhough he was a Moron.  I gave him a year to be a good father.

We split up on her first birthday.

I've struggle with what ifs alot, and this is a BIG one of those.  But everytime I come back to it, I come to the same conclusion.  I chose that decision out of love.  Out of my love for her, and what I felt she deserved.  I believe everyone deserves the love of both their parents, and me being the glass half full kinda gal that I am, went with it, hoping for our happy ending.

Unfortunately in the eyes of the law, this was in fact my biggest mistake.  Having her born in this place, made it her home, thus tying her legally to it.  Thus tying me.  Eventhough I wasn't from there, nor any of my family (in fact almost all my family was on the other side of the country), this was how the law viewed it.

Here is where my real battle for survival began.  Here is where my love, life and steel was tested.  Here is where my own private hell was wrought.

And here is where I found out I truly was a survivor.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Motherhood with a Moron

Morons are huge opportunists.  And they use the most convenient as well as the most hurtful means available to them to make their point.  After the Lil Pixie was born - that meant her.

There were many a time where I would wake and find her gone - no note - no idea where they went or when they would be back.  Constantly keeping me on edge and reminding me of the threats that he would take her away from me.

My very first Mother's Day was one of these lucky days for me.  One important reminder that he was the one who held the control (or so he believed).  It would be 5 years later that I would have to wait to spend my first Mother's Day with her - a notion not lost on me.

Forever the contriver, manipulator and bully.  The anti was upped with her birth, and the price of losing went up tenfold.  But what the Moron failed to realise, was that my resolve and my strength grew with me when she had grown inside of me.  With that growth grew love and a will made strong for the protection of it. 

There is a reason you don't get between a mama and her cubs.  Its funny how you may not always fight for your survival - but put your children in danger and the claws come out.  I may be more of a flight than fight kinda gal, but at last resort and threatening my child - I will fight to the death.

My inner fighter was slowly being wakened.  Fear was still strong, and the Moron played those cards well - but he failed in his underestimation.  In his underestimation of the bond between Mother and child as well as his underestimation of Miss Suzie Q.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Old Habits are Like a Comfy Pair of Sweats

Sometimes breaking out of what you are used to is like charging through uncharted territory. Like wearing something uncomfortable when you are yearning for that old pair of comfy sweat pants that seems to know your body, hug it, and give you that comfy, familiar feeling.

But that is what you have to do sometimes.  Step out of your ordinary.  Step out of those comfy sweat pants and break in a new pair. Habits are hard to break.  They are familiar and we know what the outcome will be - even if it isn't a happy one - we can at least visualize and prepare for it.

The unknown is scary.  We have no idea what the outcome will be - and our old sweat pants are just so gosh darn, comfy.  But sometimes those sweatpants just aren't working for us.  Sometimes we need to slap on some clean, new pair of pants and step out into the world - and try out new things.  Even scary things.  Like standing on our own two feet, and putting our brave face on, and pretending like we can conquer the world (even when we feel like mush inside).

Sometimes we have to grit our teeth and change old patterns and learn some new ones.  Better ones.  Ones that will eventually feel like our comfy, old pair of sweats in time.

The trick is giving it a try.  Then trying again once we felt scared and abandoned our mission.  Then trying again and again, just like the little engine that could.

That my friends, is how progress is made.  Rome wasn't built in a day.  And our lives don't get better or Moronfree in an instant.  Its a process.  But one that is worthwhile.  Grab a friend to help you along the way if you need it.  Stop and cry if you feel like it.  But keep on trekking - because I know you can.

Never stop believing that you are anything less than worth it, or that someone out there doesn't care.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Truth or Dare

Before the Lil Pixie was born, I had to re-evaluate my life.  It was not as if I sat down with pen and paper and wrote out a list of pros and cons, it was more of a subconscious way of thinking.  I barely even knew it was happening.  But as she was growing inside of me, so was I. I was growing stronger, and I was becoming more of the me I used to be.  But I wasn't ready to dare to be free.

Before she was born I made a promise to her that I would give her father (the Moron) one year to be a good father.  I felt I owed her that.  Little did I know that helped him tremendously in the eyes of the law.

But when I look back on everything, I can at least look myself in the eye, and know that it may have been naive and foolish, but I chose my path for love.  The love of my child.

Ironically we split up a year to the day of her birth - I kept that promise to her and myself.  Truer words were never spoken.

No one ever wants their child to know or see that their parent is a loser.  No one ever wants their child to see that their parent chose something or someone else over them.  But do you ever tell your child the truth?

I have always been honest with the Lil Pixie.  But I choose my words carefully, and tell her no more than she needs to age appropriately know.  And I respect that she has every right to have a loving relationship with her father and enjoy all that it entails.  Which is why we make something for him together every father's day.  It isn't about the Moron - but about her right to love whom she chooses, and not have to pick and choose or feel guilty about it.

Does the Moron deserve it? No.  Does he appreciate it.  Probably not.  But at the end of the day - it's not about him, and truth be told it helps me to lesson the hold he has on me.

If he was smart, he would realise that I actually am his biggest ally, as I will always choose what is right for her.  Does that mean I won't tell her the truth if she asks it? No. But I dare him to even once put her first. Oh could dream - but I won't hold my breath...

I guess in the end, the truth just may set me free.....if I dare to believe it...

How do you deal with your ex in relation to your children?
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