Denial and Biological Clocks Don't Mix

Marriage life was, well, married life. And marriage to a Moron, well, was at times like a prison sentence. But you survive day to day, and don't even think about the why.

This was the person I had chosen to spend the rest of my life with, and dammit, I was going to make it work. Whenever the topic of children came up, they were always followed by money. Because my Moron was all about power and money, well one fed into the other.

I am not sure of the things that we tell ourselves, the blinders we put on, the special glasses that block us from seeing what is directly infront of our faces - DENIAL in its fullest.

I always knew I wanted children. Here I was married, and not getting any younger... and my biological clock was a tickin'...

After one more time of his leaving, and us getting back together, we decided a child was what we needed to complete this family.  I cannot tell you what craziness sometimes takes over you. I cannot explain to you how you rationalize things and make them sound so perfectly in your head.  I can tell you I am an intelligent woman - but sometimes your intelligence just goes out the window, and your desire takes over.

Desire to lead a normal, happy life. Desire to have a child and family that you always wanted. Desire to be "living the dream" even when you are in the middle of a nightmare.

So we tried for a child. It took us one day. Yep, one day (and thank goodness cuz my Moron really ain't all that - and there is only so much denial that can be going on)!

I knew right away I had conceived. I knew right away it was a little girl. And a part of me knew right away I was in for the fight of my life...

Married to a Moron

So, I was now married to a Moron. Funny how the earth did not move, nor did the married life seem any different than my former one.  Actually that was not true.  I became even less of a "partner" to this man to whom I was betrothed. If that was even possible.

I was no Domestic Goddess, but I could cook, and my housekeeping wasn't spotless - but I was clean. When I cooked dinner, most of the time the Moron would purposely choose to make his own, as I sat there in awe...

When I would make his lunches for work, the Moron would purposely leave them on the counter, and get mad because how dare I choose to decide what he ate for his lunch.  He would bring canned goods to work.

And come any work function, I was always the butt of every joke.  And there were many of them.... And we would sit down at our table, and we would start to eat, and then it would start...

"... nice to finally get a home cooked meal, eh?"

"... better then the canned crap you eat at work?"

Looking back I can see the cruelness in his everyday, and it is pointless to dissect the why. For it doesn't matter, it is done and over.  More important to me, is the why I stayed, and allowed myself to be treated that way, as I am sure all of you are thinking...

Years of abuse takes its toll, and denial is a warm blanket used to comfort oneself when the truth is too cold to bare. You laugh along, and choose to view the world as you want to see it. Especially when you cannot conceive of the cruelties that others spew, it's easier to give the benefit of the doubt, or laugh rather than cry.

Wedding Plans

I was engaged. To a Moron. Foolishly, I thought things were going good... Boy could my perspective have been further off.

I am often amazed at my own personal ability to rationalize things, despite all the red flags - sometimes flares that were going off...

I had gone home for a visit, and my mother and I had found the perfect dress, well I had found the perfect dress - she of course had other ideas. And although I entertained those ideas briefly, I went back to the first dress I had found, which I had fallen in love with, and I bought it. It was gorgeous. Not at all princess like, fun, flirty and perfect for our beach wedding.

We had decided to have a destination wedding as it avoided all the pitfalls, the planning, the decisions (the fights), dealing with my mother in law, the having it in the little northern piss-ant town we lived in, and to escape my life as I knew it. Problem is, my focus changed to the "wedding" instead of the "marriage". I actually think this happens alot, in many different forms. For me it was just the focus I needed to temporarily distract me from everyday life with a moron, and concentrate on a wonderful day.  On my quest to convince myself I would live my happily ever after.

So my mom visited before the BIG day (she had to travel as we lived on the other side of the country), and was helping me shorten my dress so I wouldn't trip in the sand. Silent, uncontrollable tears just kept falling from my eyes. One by salty one, they flowed down my new gown as I stood on a stool, as my mother put pins in my new wedding dress.

After a while, my mother asked me what was wrong (not big on open discussions in my family). I said that I didn't know. In truth I didn't. In truth my subconscious self was grieving the loss of my authentic self as she had taken a back seat. She had stepped out of the driver's seat of her own life and was desperately trying to get my conscience self get back in there. Unfortunately I was still in denial, and was choosing not to listen.

I can remember my mother asking, in her way, if I wanted to call it off,  "Even though the invitations are sent, trip is paid for, plans are made, and everyone's flights is paid..." Yep, the guilt clinched it, I had made my choice, the course was set.....but the tears kept falling...

Life With a Moron

Life with a Moron is very unpredictable. And that’s how they like it. It’s easier to keep those around you in control, when they are walking around on eggshells and easy to knock over. When you do not know what to expect, but at the back of your mind are expecting the worst, the focus is off if this type of behaviour should even be tolerated, and instead focused on what to do when…

This keeps the Moron’s victims always off kilter, while the whole time alluding to the ever popular, “it’s you, not me” feeling. Morons have a way of making you feel a little crazy. Of making you do a double take on your own thoughts, feelings and insights. Morons often utilize the help of your family and friends to bring these feelings home. They create situations with their incredible manipulative skills to appear to those closest to you, that you are in fact losing a bit of your mind, and reduce your credibility. This makes them second guess you, and most importantly, you second guess yourself. And there they are swooping in like a knight in shining armour to “save” you from yourself, and make you more dependant on them.

Morons prey on your weaknesses and chip away at your strengths in order to feel better about themselves, and ultimately have the feeling of power over you. In the beginning this can be confused with a “Knight in Shining Armour” persona. But it is in fact a very devious and underhanded way of gaining power and control over you.

Check out The Moron Code, for further Moron signs and insights. In my opinion, the most important one being: Actions speak louder than words.

Living a Moron-free existence now, I am able to reflect and assimilate knowledge. I am able to focus and learn how I allowed myself to be manipulated and contorted by my Moron. I am such a believer in knowledge and education being key. It is only with knowledge can we learn from our mistakes and perhaps even impart some of our wisdom to others to help navigate this wonderful life – in a hopefully Moron-free existence.

Life with a Moron - Boundaries

Life with a Moron can be pretty interesting. At times it can be pretty intense. At times it can be downright unbearable. And at times it can be pretty amazing. And that's the catch. There is a reason we fell in love with these suckers to begin with!!! If someone was 100% evil, we could spot them a mile away. Let's face it, even Hitler had to have at least one or two redeeming qualities in him amidst all the psychoness!!

When they are on their upswing, Morons can be the sweetest, most romantic, generous, spontaneous, affectionate human beings on the planet.  It is however that downswing, that kicks you in the ass and reminds you that your life is not all fairy tales and roses. It is more like dodge ball on broken glass, because you are always walking on eggshells around your Moron.

I think one of the reasons I stuck with my Moron is the same reason I am an optimist. (Because let's face it, no other reason I could have stuck around with the loser if I wasn't) I see potential in people very clearly. It's the same way with anything really.  I see great potential in things that others throw out or abandon, broken down houses, unkempt gardens, and apparently lost souls.  And although this is generally a good character trait, here is where it gets me in trouble. When I see the potential ABOVE what is reality, even when it is spitting me in the face. When I am gently trying to coax out that inner potential, within close contact of someone who is bestowing upon me a massive volcanic eruption, and am more worried that the lava will harm them and not me.

Unachieved potential, to me, is one one of the saddest things in this world. I am learning to realize, though, that I can aid and support someone to fulfil their potential, but they have control whether it comes out or not. And I have control of how I will or will not allow someone to treat me. Boundaries. I am learning to place mine, and hold them strong. Once you understand that no one can make you feel anything, you have control over that, it really does shift your way of thinking. Knowing something and understanding something, really are two distinct things.

Boundaries are still difficult for me to establish, but I am getting better at holding them and making them as permeable as I decide. Choice. What a new concept.