Happy THanksgiving Everyone

Well, I've had my fill of mashed potatoes and birds with gravy.  Our traditional Thanksgiving baseball is now in full swing and my thoughts turn to what I am thankful for this year...

1. Family.  The Lil Pixie and I are an extremely tight knit duo, and she has blossomed into this most amazing little person.  I cant imagine my time here without her, and feel so blessed to have her in my life and my heart.  Of course my other family is dear to me as well, and thankful to be spending time with them.  Nothing like family to make you loved and walk down memory lane...

2. Friends.  This year I have made some of the best and closest friends.  Its been awhile as I have made the move and I think I have felt a little closed off.  But I am pleased to say that I feel full and blessed in that department ;)

3.  My new Guy.  Yes, Miss Suzie Q has found herself one of the most sweetest, kindest, most gentle man she has ever met.  One day I will share with you, our story.  Still in the beginnings of it, and still getting used to the idea.  But he has become such an important part of my daily life, and has helped to mend my heart and pieces of my soul.  And before I get really mushy, I am going to stop.  Lets just say that perhaps things really do happen for a reason, and I am now understanding the words; the best is yet to come....

Hope Everyone has enjoyed their turkey day, and if yours is still to come, Happy Early Thanksgiving!

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A Lesson Learned - with a side of gravy...

Who else here loves food?  And with Thanksgiving just around the corner, I have been thinking about food alot.  Food and the things we need to live.  Survival.  Plants need food, water, sun, to live, as the Lil Pixie always tells me.  We need shelter, food and water.  But there is a difference between surviving and living.  When our lives are in crisis, and our world is in chaos and turmoil, survival is all we can afford to expend our energy on.  Merely surviving from one moment to the next.  This type of living can last for years.  And it takes its toil.  It takes its toil on your body, mind, spirit and heart.  Once you are able to move past crisis, and assess the trauma, it may take awhile to get back on the road of just plain living - as survival mode has become such an habitual way of life.  But there is a point where you must incorporate other things into your living plan.  Love and wants.  They too have their purpose.  They too increase your survival.

Although their are definite distinctions between wants and needs, especially in terms of my monthly budget ;) You have to make room to allow yourself some wants.  Spoil yourself, indulge in a few little splurges every now and again.  Live.  Love.  Enjoy.  I can remember when after leaving the Moron, money was beyond tight, and EVERYTHING was an indulgence.  Milk, oreos, fresh fruit....all these would be bought sparingly, and generally only indulged by the Lil Pixie.  Because that's what we, as mothers do.  I now allow myself a little indulgence for us both every once and awhile. 

My favourite food is mashed potatoes.  And my mother still makes the best darned mashed potatoes.  This thanksgiving, i will be adding gravy to them as a declaration that I am worth it, that i am out of the survival stage and have gotten down to the point of truly living...

Strength is not born of winning, but of struggle

Strength is not born of winning, but of struggle. When we look back at our lives, and see the landscape of our path behind us, the hills and the valleys are sometimes etched in sweat and heartache. Some of those tough roads are what forged our way to the place we are today, and the people we have become. Our struggles, in turn are what define us. When the road is light, and the going is uncomplicated, it is easy. Life is effortless and easy. It is when times turn difficult that we find out what we, and those around us are really made of. It is that strength that keeps us going, that is the truth of who we are. It is those choices that we make during those times of need and hardship, that defines the core of our being. The strength and will to keep fighting, for another day.

Balancing Act

Balancing Mommyhood, Moronfree living, Domestic Abuse Advocate, and Blogger are becoming harder for me.  Each one pulling on the other, each one wanting its own time.

I am struggling with them, but please know, I will try to do better in the blogosphere notion...

And To You, A Moronfree Mother's Day

When you become a mother, nobody can fully explain to you how you are going to feel. No one can fully explain to you the sheer magnitude of joy you feel from the very first moment the connection is made with that child, nor the the heart wrenching agony you will feel when your child is in pain, and there is nothing you can do to help. No one can fully explain the levels of protection you feel, nor the depths you are willing and therefore capable of going, to protect that child from harm. Victims of domestic violence feel this on such an urgent, and often daily level. And no matter how safe they are told they are, no one can ever imagine the true fear that is felt when someone tells you that they will kill you and/or take away your children. This fear becomes one with you, and although you may be able to move on and live a seemingly product life, that fear is always with you.

For those that stay in the relationship, it is often their vision of protection, as the system would indoubtably leave their children often more exposed to violence or worse. For those brave mothers, their choice to stay – though seen as one of weakness – is often one of great strength of shielding.

On this Mother’s Day, I would like to wish all Mothers a safe and happy Moronfree day. Especially to those who are still in amongst the war.

My 2012 Word of the year is STRENGTH

Looking back at my life, I notice many of my strengths and weaknesses over time.  Many of what I may consider my strengths some may consider a weakness - but it is my opinion that matters.

I have many strengths, and one of them is my own strength.  This is something to which for some reason is always downplayed.  Mostly by me.

I feel stronger than I have been in a long, long time, and not only physically (and I have my kickboxing to thank for that) but emotionally too.  Yet the woman I envision, still is in the distance. Which is good, because where would we be if we didn't have to reach for our goals?

This year I plan to draw on that strength, and own it.  For so many years I was living from a place of FEAR.  I think it's about time that I live from a place of STRENGTH.  And that is what I am choosing to focus on this year.  My strength.

Have you picked a word for 2012?

Another Year Down...

As this year comes to a close, it is only natural to ponder all that has transpired. Life has its own way of putting you on the path you were meant to be on. With knowledge, a bit of wisdom and understanding, you can look back at some of the trials and tribulations and realize the meaning that they have provided in your life. Some of my darkest days, have provided me with the most clarity – when I have been open and able to see it. They have provided me with the thankfulness and graciousness of the life I am starting to build. Surrounded by friends and family, I feel true happiness and am blessed by all that I have been given.

With my new job helping victims of domestic violence, I feel I have been given a powerful venue to assert my newly strengthened voice. And just perhaps this is where my life had been leading me all along…

This year has been a year of change for me. Unfortunately, change is rarely done without a fight nor welcomed with open arms, but I have welcomed it this year, for I feel I am becoming the Suzie I was meant to be.  And I feel like the luckiest person alive to have the front row seat of watching the Lil Pixie grow into the amazing person she is supposed to be.  We have become such a powerful team, her and I.

I hope you have enjoyed the holidays with your friends and family - they are truly the important ones. I wish Joy, Peace and Goodness to all of you in 2012.  And I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of you who read and support this blog.  It has become a real important part of my life, and from all of the letters that I receive I have made a small difference in some of your lives.  What all of you may fail to realize, is how much of an impact you have made in mine.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your love and support.  Together we can end domestic violence and teach those around us that abuse does not have to be tolerated, there is another way.

 

Have a Very Merry Moronfree Christmas Everyone!!!

Lots and love and Merriness being sent from this blog to you :)

I wish everyone a Merry Moronfree Christmas, and a Moronless New Year!!

Family Court Support Worker Initiative

Have you heard about the great new program that is currently in effect in Ontario?  Great news for victims of domestic violence, the Ministry of the Attorney General is funding a pilot project of Family Support Workers in most family court jurisdictions across Ontario.  These specialized workers will provide assistance to victims by means of information about the family court process, aiding in the documentation of the history of abuse for the court, referrals to specialized services and supports in the community, help with safety planning related to court appearances, and aaccompanying victims to court proceedings, where appropriate.

So for those of you who are at any point of the family court process, and reside in Ontario, do look these folks up, as it is their job to help YOU!  At a time when your world is a mess, someone who can help you to navigate the court system is sure a welcomed beacon.  Speaking from experience, court can be an extremely dis-empowering and traumatic venture.  I say good on the McGuinty Government for making a positive change and perhaps some domestic violence enlightenment to those professionals within our court system.

Have you heard of this project?  Are there similar ones in your community?  What are your thoughts?

Roses are Red

Roses are red
Morons are green
I've learnt my lesson from mine
Now I can truly be me.

Victim no more
Courageous by some
Inner strength and determination
This girl has won.

Scars born of fear
Victory of might
Abusers beware
They will be brought into the light.

Silence may be golden
it can also be deadly
Break the cycle and soar
get your feathers ready...

Rewards From Following Through...

Remember when I mentioned upon meeting my old boss for the very first time, he reminded me so much of the Moron?  Well,  I couldn't have been more on the money.  I'll give you a very quick rundown on the situation.  I was hired to replace a manager at a retail store. That would seem fairly simple enough, except there was all these weird things going on, such as I had to be in to open the store 1/2 hour early (but wasn't paid for it) and close (again couldn't write it down on time sheet), six of us during the day used the same till - but it was only counted at beginning of shift and at the end, we weren't paid for Stat holidays... and the list went on.

Being a single mom in an economy that is, well lets just say less than booming, I dearly needed the money, but I had decided that if I let another person take advantage of me again - without standing up for myself, then I hadn't learnt my lesson.

I talked numerous times with my supervisor, then finally after a month of no headway, told her if things did not change I would have no recourse except to go to the labour board.  I was fired the next day with charges of theft and fraud of the company, and since I was there for under 3 months I was told he could do so without cause.  He presented me with a letter in which it stated I was resigning as a result of my acknowledgement of theft and fraud and that I would not go after my employer nor his company for any monies owing now or in the future, and that if I did not sign the police would be called.  I did not sign, gave back the keys, and left.

I ended up following through and going to the labour board with all the original charges of incorrect stat holiday pay, and reprisal on top of that.  10 months later, a tribunal was held where my employer brought forth 4 current employees that lied and stated that I stole merchandise and came in late constantly.  Here's the thing though, he had no proof (because it never happened), and moreover when the witnesses were questioned, their stories not only did not match up, but no one stated that they actually saw me take any merchandise.

My former employer was told that the burden of proof rested on him under the Act to disprove the claim of reprisal.  In such the rules of evidence applied, and a current employee has more to gain in statements where they are for the employer as they have more likely a fear of losing their job.  No hard evidence was provided, except for ironically, he actually presented the letter which he attempted to get me to sign, and he in fact helped me in ways he at that time could not imagine....

With the presentation of that letter, not only did he corroborate my side of the story, but he hung himself in the process....just like the Moron.  Give them enough rope, and they will hang themselves...
They are so hellbent on getting you back, and believe in their own little crazy world what they are doing is right, that they fail to see how intimidating and just plain wrong their actions are and will be perceived to be.

Today I received the written decision.  I cannot tell you the joy that I feel after reading the 20 page document!!!!  Not only does it make the employer appear to be an intimidating bully, but it awards me with a rather large, hefty settlement :)  One that I truly had no idea would be even part of the equation.  So nice to see the little guy win once in awhile, even nicer to be the little guy that wins :)

Merry Freaking Early Christmas to me :)

Insecurities and Gifts from Pain

Hello everyone, feels like eons since I have been back here. Funny how life takes you on its own little journeys, and forces you to face things.

Insecurities. 

We all have them. They are in all of us, that little voice inside us that tells us we aren’t good enough, that we shouldn’t even try. And if we listen to that voice, we hold ourselves back from taking a chance and we deny the outcome of seeing what we are truly capapble of. We are in essence, living in fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of hope for what may be…. 

Life's ups and downs may never fully reveal to us the true meaning of their intentions.  But if we fail to take what lessons we learn, then they are only that, just major downers in our life.  Sometimes what is learnt is a gift - despite the pain or perhaps because of it.  The gift that lies waiting for us is growth. It is the gift of change. That something good comes from all the pain.

When a crisis hits, when our world is turned upside down, when we are afraid, will we have the strength and the wisdom to welcome that gift with open arms?  Will we have the courage to face our insecurities and allow ourselves to be?

Sometimes the things we don't expect, didn’t ask for – are the best things that happen to us.   May we have the wisdom and courage to accept them.

Happy MoronFree Halloween

Moving into another Halloween I am reminded of Halloweens gone past...

I can remember the very first Halloween with the Lil Pixie, she would have been about 10 months old.  She had the cutest little lion costume, you know the store bought ones with the paw booties.  The Moron took her out that night - not trick or treating, but to a haunted house!!! Yep, the Moron is indeed a smart parent and decided to give her nightmares at the beginning of her life....  Mind you this is also the insightful parent who brought the wee one to drag car racing as well - because we know that all that noise is really good for a newborn's ears.

Let's face it, a Moron makes decisions based on what is best for himself - regardless on how it affects those around him.  All I can say is thank goodness his decision making is only limited to his access.  Although, that didn't stop him from taking our 3 yr old out shooting guns.... and just so you know, there is no laws against that...  And I am not against guns, per se, but you have to take into consideration the teacher here.  One who has never viewed safety as being a priority, nor believes that the law regarding the storage of guns needs to be upheld.

Anyways, I can only hope that someone else is looking out for the Lil Pixie when she is in her Father's care, because the law sure isn't!

And for those interested, This Ninja now has a very wicked roundhouse kick :)

Happy Moronfree Halloween Everyone, what are YOU dressing up as today?

A few words of wisdom...

The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself. by Mark Caine


Things don’t go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be. Charles Jones


None who have always been free can understand the terrible fascinating power of the hope of freedom to those who are not free. Pearl S. Buck


You teach others how to treat you. Dr. Phil


Abuse survivors ain't no thang but a chicken wing!!!  Suzie Q

My first kickboxing lesson

I am using kickboxing as my new therapy.  Using it to help me overcome my fears, and to obliterate my feelings of helplessness and of being a victim.

In order to do that, I had to get to the Martial Arts place.  I have to be honest, I was really nervous about that - but I did it!  I went to my first kickboxing class.  My goals for this class were pretty short and sweet.  Not crying was at the top of my list.  Not getting punched, was also up there.  At least I achieved half...

Here is what I learned:

1.  I have not jumped rope since being in middle school - I now know why boxers do it to get/keep in shape.

2.  I am not as coordinated as I once thought I was.

3.  Getting punched in the face by a 12 yr old - not my idea of fun - but it will remind me to keep my hands up.

4.  Perhaps watching kickboxing prior to doing it, is a good idea.  Then you can get an idea of what you are supposed to be doing, and not feel like a total idiot.

5.  Saving up for my own boxing gloves is a must - those stinky, sweaty ones from the club are pretty gross!!!

6.  Punching does not come natural to me - blocking or cowering does.

7.  Practice will hopefully make perfect.  It will at the very least provide me with copious bruises...

8.  I did not expect to be hit with such overwhelming emotions.  I am being gentle with myself, and realizing there are many facets to my healing that still need to be done.


Here is where my new therapy begins.  I am a survivor, and I am choosing to empower myself.  I intend to face my fears and kick the crap outta them!!!

Have a kickass weekend everyone.  I will be icing my wounds and nurturing my soul.  How about you?

Project Ninja Suzie

I have been thinking alot about fear, and the effects it has had on my life.  One of my readers, Mathew, left a comment "fear dominates human feelings and emotion more than any other... The fact that you're aware of this is huge with regards to overcoming it," which has got me thinking more and more about fear.  I want to take more steps to overcoming my fear.

Our last poll showed that the majority of people who took the poll, when faced with physical fear they either run or hide.  So I see I am in good company.

WHEN FACED WITH PHYSICAL FEAR I

I started this blog for many reasons.  To share my story.  To hopefully enlighten and educate.  To help fellow victims of abuse, and lastly to help myself with my own journey of healing.  I have overcome and conquered many things along the way, but this fear thing is kicking me in the ass.  I think it's time I kicked back!!!!

I have decided to overcome my fears, and empower myself in the process.  And of course I will document my steps (and falls) along the way. I have decided to join my local kickboxing club.

Just so you know - I have never once thrown a punch in my life.  I avoid confrontation like the plague. And although I love me a good action movie, physical violence awakens that flight part of me that I am hoping to overcome.  I think kickboxing will not only be great for my self esteem, provide some self defence training it will also be an awesome fitness provider.

I can recall when I first left the Moron, I did not have much.  I got sole custody - he pretty much got the rest.  I would splurge on things like fresh fruit, milk, and once in a blue moon - Oreo cookies.  But they were all for the lil Pixie.  As a mom, its just what you do, your kids come first - in everything.

With all my jobs (I have one full time and 2 part-time, plus I volunteer at a couple different places) and being a single mom, money as well as time are pretty slim.  But I decided to bite the bullet and do something for me, for once.  I am sure all of you mothers know what I am talking about.  Your kids come first in all respects, and you are always last on the list for everything. But I decided my underwear can wait (they were at the top of my list).

My little sister said something to me the other day which has been gnawing at my consciousness.  She said (and I am paraphrasing) "By finding time, and allowing myself my own things, I am teaching my girls that I am important.  That I deserve it.  This in turn will teach them they are important and they too should strive to achieve their goals and claim them.  No one else is going to do it for them".  Now she isn't a selfish Mom who just does her own thing - but she has always made time (even if it's here and there) for her goals and her needs, while balancing them with that of the family.

I think victims of abuse have similar natures, or at least they are stripped of them so that they always put their Morons first.  They walk on eggshells to avoid conflict, they tiptoe thru life as to not to upset the delicate balance of the Moron's shifting moods.  They are brainwashed to feel like they do not matter, their lives and needs are below their Morons.  That is what I had become.

In some ways I still play the dance, as to not cause the Moron to take some kind of vengeance at the Lil Pixie's expense.  For instance, not allowing me to talk to her when she is on court ordered visitation.  I feel kickboxing will help boost my confidence, keep me in shape, and help me learn to deal with confrontation better (ie stand my ground instead of fleeing), and thus Project Ninja Suzie was born.

The cost is pretty steep (for me, anyways) - $80/month but I am hoping the rewards will be worth it.  So if any of you feel the desire to chip in a buck or two to help in this endeavour, I have posted a donate button below and in the sidebar.  No pressure - just thought I would throw it out there...

When someone threatens your life, or the life of your child, that fear never goes away.  But if you allow that fear to monopolize your life, then you give your power away. I will not lie, the thought of even starting kickboxing kinda scares me, but I want all my power back.  I need to step out of my comfort zone, and push my limits.  I am done with feeling weak and powerless.  I am done with having no control.  I cannot control what other people do or say, but I sure as hell can control what I do or how I react to it.  I will not be a victim anymore.  I am going to put on the gloves...

My line in the sand...

The morning after, the Moron went to work, and I caught myself feeling weightless and hopeful, but life had taught me otherwise.  It wasn't that hard, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop...

When the Moron came home from work that night, he acted as if everything was fine.  As if nothing had happened.  In the Moron's world, apparently life had reset itself and nothing had changed.  In my world, however, everything had changed, and I wasn't about to go back to my old life.  This was my line in the sand.

I calmly told him he had to move out.  To which he refused.  But I had inticipated this, and packed up the Lil Peanut and a few things and we were out the door and off to my sister's place (about 45 minutes away).  There was no way I was living another minute with him.  And I wasn't about to give him a chance to stop us.

My line in the sand had been drawn - and I was determined to make it stick.  I felt this yearning for more.  For better.  I wanted more, deserved better, and dammit the Lil Pixie was going to have better.  The 9 months of her growing inside me, as well as the year of her life, had strenghthened me.  Instilled a hope of more for us, provided a light for the me I dared to dream, for the me I once was.  To become my own happy ending.  This was my line in the sand, and if I crossed it, I would have nowhere else to go.  Nowhere but down.  And I wanted more.

Something awoke in me, and I wasn't about to let it lie.  My line in the sand is what held me strong in my fight.

The calm before the storm

After the Moron said "it was over" and took the Lil Pixie and left the room, I felt the most amazing thing.  Relief.  I felt as if the World had been taken off my shoulders, I felt lighter, and perhaps (though I didn't realize it at the time) I felt my world getting back on track.

The Moron had gone into the spare bedroom,and the rest of the day is a kind of blur.  I know at one point I had put the Lil Pixie down for her nap (afterall, I was really the only one who fulfilled the parenting duties unless he was putting on a show, parading her around town tires, hungry and always inappropriately dressed).

At one point in the evening when the Lil Pixie was down for the night, I went into the spare bedroom. The Moron was in bed with a pen and a notebook.  He had written on a piece of paper what was going to happen as a result of our breakup.  He was to get the house, since he was paying for it.  I was a grown woman, he said, so fully capable of taking care of myself, so no spousal support.  And we would split the Lil Pixie down the middle, he would get her for a year, then me for a year, so there would be no need for child support.

Despite it being incredibly warped in logic, it was the most mature conversation we had ever had.  The calm before the storm...

Continued...

So standing there in the kitchen, in this moment time stood still. In this moment our whole life together came to one point balancing precariously on the edge, and I was standing looking over it. I knew I had to make a decision, and I knew it would change my life forever...

I could decide to walk away, instinctively turn away from confrontation - but something was nagging at me.  Something made me think of my Lil Pixie and what her life was to be.  Her life was worth more.  She was worth a life of joy.  And my job was to ensure her safety.

I slowly turned around and walked down those few stairs to the wood stove and that smouldering ash bucket.  That horrible burnt smell pierced my consciousness, and I turned to the Moron.  The Lil Pixie was scooting around on the ground. With resolve, I grabbed the ash bucket and put it back outside on the snowy front step.

This made the Moron raise to his feet and start the fireworks show.  He accused me of monopolizing the parenting, being self important, of always having things my way.  He even said I was being careless as putting the ash bucket outside (in the snow) would cause the house to be set on fire.

And the height of his yelling, the Moron picked the Lil Pixie up, said, "we are over" and left the room.

The First Day of the Rest of My Life...

My morning of the first day of the rest of my life, went like this.  This day I will remember forever, as it was the beginning of my road to freedom - though I didn't know it when I woke up that morning.

I suppose my conscious self had realized that it was the Lil Pixie's first birthday, and therefore the promise I had made to myself, and her, was up.  Upon her being conceived, I had promised that I would give her father, the Moron, one year to show he was a good father.  I figured I owed her that.  That one chance to be the family she deserved, the one I always wanted.  Turned out to be a pipe dream, but at least I had tried.

After the Moron had left with the Lil Pixie for brunch with the MIL (though I have my own special name for her), I proceeded to clean up the house and get some house work done.  I thought I may as well take advantage of the deserted house, and could use something to take my mind off the strange feeling I had.

It was winter, so we had the wood stove on as it was our primary source of heat.  This was located in our family room, which was quite open.

I was in the middle of dishes and laundry when the Moron came home in the late afternoon.  He had put the Lil Pixie down in the living room (she was still crawling as she hadn't started to walk yet at this point), while he proceeded to empty the hot ashes into the metal bucket from the stove.  I wouldn't have even known he had done so, except after he had finished with the ashes, he started to brush the dog, and put the shedded hair in the bucket of hot coals/ashes and it was displacing that horrible burnt hair smell into the entire house.

When I passed thru the living room (it is between the laundry room and the bedrooms) I very sweetly remarked that the smoldering ash bucket needed to be put outside with the Lil Pixie around, as things could happen so fast with a little one.  Tragedies happen in the blink of an eye, and it was better to be safe than sorry, so I put the ash bucket outside on the front step (surrounded by snow).

I then continued on to the bedroom to continue folding the laundry.  Coming back thru the living room, on my way back to the laundry room, I noticed the ash bucket was back on the ground, infront of the wood stove.  I took a moment to stop and stare at the still smoking bucket, then at the Moron, then slowly made my way up the few stairs to the kitchen.

In this moment time stood still.  In this moment our whole life together came to one point balancing precariously on the edge, and I was standing looking over it.  I knew I had to make a decision, and I knew it would change my life forever...