FEAR
Even when I think that it's not, its hanging out in the background, lying like a tiger, waiting to pounce. I don't think that I have always been this way, and I have come along way, baby. But it is still there. Until recently, I didn't realize just how much fear was really in me.
You know what? I am tired of living in fear. Tired of worrying about what may happen. Tired of not doing the right thing. Tired of worrying about the Moron. Tired.
Fear can be paralyzing. Fear can be crippling. And fear can keep your senses sharp.
Tell you what. I have come such a long way, might as well go the distance. I may not never fully forget what it feels like to be in the clutches of a Moron - but I sure as hell control that I am gonna do everything in my power to never be there again.
Every now and again I get relapses of that fear. Especially when there are dangerous Morons out there just lurking. But I am tired of being a Victim.
I can recall that about a year after I left the Moron, a friend's husband said these words to me:
"I have noticed that you walk taller, hold your head up, and look me in the eye when I talk to you now".
How blown away was I when I heard that. He described me as mouse-like, and I have never forgotten it. I don't ever want to be that way again.
I cannot control what life throws at me, but I sure as hell can control how I react to it. And eventhough I may still have fear based reactions - they will NOT stop me from what I need to do.
How do you live with your fears?
18 comments:
I so agree with you that we need to address FEAR, that it can be debilitating. Many of my posts are about addressing this, being aware of it.... but I have come to a stage where it is reduced significantly and mostly because I remind myself not to give him or allow him that power over me. Take back control.
BM
You are right about taking back control. What is your website address, BM?
It's good to know I'm not the only one with these feelings. I've had to work really hard at making eye contact with people. It feels good to take back your life, even if it is scary! Thanks for sharing.
Billie
My first husband was a moron and an abuser too, unfortunately. I was divorced 6 years and have been married to a wonderful man for 29 years. Those Moron years never leave you but they sure do teach you a lot.
Put Fear in the trash can. You are free now to live the good life.
It's a difficult one, especially when you once were under the hand of a moron, and the longer you were the there, the more you are brainwashed into a fear of making certain disicions in your life. I don't like fear, and I walso don't like conflict. Sometimes you just need to rip of the band-aid though and when it's done, it's done.
http://mothersalways.blogspot.com
Fear dominates human feelings and emotion more than any other... The fact that you're aware of this is huge with regards to overcoming it.
I like that analogy!!!
Thank you, Mathew. That actually makes me feel better. It just becomes such an instinctual and familiarized way to feel, like any other behaviour, its hard not to. But onwards and upwards....
Ahhh the good life, I like the sound of that!!!
Thanks for making me feel not alone, too :)
Yep, that eye contact thing is sometimes hard for me, especially those in authority - not to mention I am quite shy to boot. But like everything else, it is a process, and I am making progress, or like to think I am, LOL!!!
I am still trying to get over some of the fear from my marriage to my moron. I have fear of getting into the same type of situation, fear of being alone and those are things I am becoming less fearfull of with time. One thing that is still a huge work in progress is anxiety. Before I married the moron I was a "social butterfly", loved meeting new people, loved being silly and loud and fun. The moron stifled that pretty quick with "youre stupid", "your fat"," your ugly "and no one wants to be with you. I am still learning to get over those words that have been etched in my brain and trying to get back to being the spunky and outgoing person I once was.
I have found that thru the process of moving on, healing and growing from this abusive experience, I have re-found me :) It's actually been a neat process. I am finding out stuff about myself I never knew - as I took on so much of what others said I was.
Wow. so glad to hear your story of survival and now "thrival". Dropping by from Blog Frog. Following. Hope you will too. www.rebeccalynndunning.blogspot.com
I feel so blessed to have found your blog. I have had a lot of fear in my life helping me make my choices and I too will fight against that fear for the rest of my days. Love your writing voice...you speak to me.
Welcome Purple Lady :) Sometimes fear can be all encompassing, but it is a process, and I am at least moving in the right direction!!!
Wow, there r others who feel the same and were in the same situations as me. I am still in it though. I got a job last winter working in a warehouse with mostly men. One guy helped me with a problem i had with a shipment and was really kind about it and I started to cry. It was so sad to actually come across a guy who was kind to me. I eventually quit the job because It was so difficult being with normalish men, never mind looking them in the eye. I feel I have nothing in common with other women also because of this.
Being subject to unfamiliar occurences are difficult - even when they are positive ones. Keep working on it, life is a process. Recognizing it is a good step. Be kind to yourself, and life will expose your triggers, and you can work on them, in the process of your healing. I urge you to seek out others who have these same feelings, it is a powerful tool to talk to someone who knows what you are going thru. One of the biggest helps to my journey of healing was doing a group therapy session with other victims of abuse. I wish you well, and know that you are not the only one - despite how you may feel some times.
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