Abuse is often the gift that keeps on giving. You are what you know, and you act out what is familiar to you.
I had a counsellor once tell me that it took 5 generations to break the cycle of abuse. Five. Wow, my Lil Pixie doesn't have a chance...
I'd like to think that I have learned so much about
Perhaps this is just the old nature versus nurture question, dressed up in different clothes...
One of my favourite sayings is; when we know better, we do better.
But must we learn from our own mistakes? Can we learn from others, as well?
As a mother I can only hope that I will provide my child with a firm foundation so that she can make good, solid decisions for herself. In the end, that is all any mother can hope for.
On the other side of the coin, is the Moron the result of bad parenting? Is abuse a role that was played in his life that he emulated? And at what point does he take on the responsibilities of his own actions - despite his upbringing?
These are just a few of the things that are rolling around in my head tonight, as I fight sleep - more, sleep fights me!
What are your thoughts on the subject?
DO Morons bear Morons? I would totally love to hear what you feel on all or some of the above...
18 comments:
That question scares me. I fear for my boys. I don't know if I can mother them well enough to ensure that they don't become like their father. I can only try...
Monkey see - monkey do. Also basic temperament is genetically inherited, emotional and physical response is learned, I believe. Although my marriage wasn't physically abusive, I left because I needed for my children to not grow up believing that what we had in our household was the correct and honorable way for a man to treat a woman.
First, this is my first visit here and I have to say I was struck by your webpage, title header etc. I love that while you obviously had a rough time of it, you can still step back and poke some fun.
As for the question of this post, I really do think kids mirror back behaviour. Good or bad. I've had examples of this in my own life that we're trying to correct. I do know that if kids are getting the right information from at least one parent, if that kid is reachable (i.e. inherantly a good person), they will start to see the situation for what it is and their dad for what he is. I think it's hard for girls though because there's just something in us that wants to be daddy's girl which leaves us open to those jerks when we grow up.
sadly there are just some out there that just HAVE to learn the hard way... really sucks... My hubby is generation three and the severity has lowered extremely in comparison to the past generations.
But i was a product of abuse, found someone in the same position and now we fight together. It is hard. My mother always told me: "At least I taught you what NOT to do." Not sure it stuck though...
I think kids tend to gravitate toward people of power. Because people of power have the ability to provide for them (needs and wants). They then mimic those they see as having power and control (successful in getting what they want). The question is, can you teach your children about power and control without them migrating toward abuse and bullying? I have faith it is possible. I also think that the personality of the child makes a difference.
I think the chances of your daughter being or choosing a Moron are significantly reduced since she's not exposed to that anymore. And she has you as a role model :)
About those five genertaions - it has to begin with one generation changing the rules of the game. One generation, meaning one mother. And here you are. Your daughter is already way ahead of you in what it takes not to attract or marry a moron. How do I know this? From my own daughters. They seemed to know so much more about how life works and what they need twhen they were teenagers than when I was into my 5th decade. All of us women go through some smelly relationships along the way, but maybe that is a part of knowing what you don't want. I really believe it's how we are with our girls. If they are our precious treasures and we allow them to grow spaciously to know who they are, why would they allow anyone to treat them badly. You are strong and smart and giving your daughter a good legacy. And Dorothy, you are so right, we can only do our best.
i have a boy of a moron too, and there are moments when I seriously think that he does have some of what i call 'the a*******le gene.. but i still believe that my parenting - and the presence of a non-moronic male in the form of my now husband who has obviously taken the place of a father (moron has completely disappeared from our lives, and I am hoping forever..) will be strong enough to push him and the 'force' (or whatever) towards the 'good side'. at least that's the plan. 5 generations sounds horrible but it could be true when you talk about mother to daughter relations, and maybe also - for past studies maybe - the fact that some women were just caught up in a certain 'milieu' and it was hard to break out of that (not that abuse is reserved to the underprivileged, but you know what i mean).. interesting point tho, in any case...
Where there's a will, there is a way.
Yes, I do believe, at times, that Morons beget Morons. Or in my case, the Moron was called Cheater.
I don't know this story firsthand, as my in-laws died years before I met my ex.
My late father-in-law cheated on his wife often. When asked why she put up with his cheating, she responded, "Because he always comes home." (and provides her with a country club life and 6 kids and a 5 bedroom house a nice car and clothing, etc.)
In keeping with family tradition, my ex cheated on me with a woman from his office (13 years younger than me). He married her. She keeps him in line by traveling with him when he needs to travel for work (they both got new jobs at the same company)
His older brother cheated on his wife and went to sex clubs and peep shows and made her have sex 3 times a day (in the morning, when he got home from work and at bedtime.) He is or was a sex addict. She put up with it for 20 years. He is now remarried and I wonder if his new wife has to do all those things.
His younger brother cheated on his wife and very nearly married the woman he cheated with. They split during their engagement.
Funny... even though each of us ex-wives are in relationships, none of us has remarried.
His youngest brother and his wife were on a message board and chat rooms on AOL for swinging and 3-somes. They had requests out for a willing female to join them in sex fun and games. This was before they had children and I don't know if they were just playing online or if anything happened in real life.
As for his oldest brother and only sister? She seems to have a normal marriage. The brother is a country club brat. Loves to drink. Thank goodness he never had children with his wife. And I don't know if he cheats, but it wouldn't surprise me in the least if he did.
Nope. I don't believe it.
A lot of, what I shall call Moronism is learned behaviour. Or rather the lack of impating skills to young children. Look at what the mother allowed and the father did, and vice versa and etc. People do as they see fit, but they forget that children are like little recorders and copiers. A lot of the previous generations refused to talk or discuss feeling, thinking it was bad to feel a certain way and in not dealing with it. It was all about repression and repression creates certain methods in whcih it is let out and mostly, parents took it out in a certain way on their family, which created a habit of it being ok to do this, that or the other thing.
Having said that, I have a friend who married and divorced a Moron, much like yours. SHe has a lovely 18 year old son whom she has taught the skills to deal with his father and in front of whom she acts according to what she teaches. Mostly. And when she doesn't, she talks about it. She does not let her child wonder about what goes on in her mind or what his father does, she talks, honestly and without judgement on her own feelings or his actions.
So be the example for Pixie, impart skills and communication. Also, the book I am reading (the Verbal Abusive Relationship) says that VB had a traumatic event in their childhood. Actually, we all do. Difference is, VBs never work through that event and it builds and builds and builds, causing them terrible pain and fear of loss when it comes to others. So add to this list to help your child(ren) deal with their emotions, teach them EQ and love, show them that things happen and we work it out.
This could've been a post all it's own...
I was born into an abusive family and then moved in with my now ex husband and discovered that he was an emoitonal abuser. I had three bos with him and then left. I decided when I was a child that no child of mine would be that way and I am happy to say that all three of my sons have turned into amazing loving young men. They are now 27, 25 and 18.
The most beautiful thing I have ever seen was my oldest boy lovingly and tenderly washing his daughters hair. He washed it, and then combed it out so tenderly it made me want to weep. I knew thne I had raised an exceptioanl loving man.
Awwww. You have raised those boys well. You should be proud :)
Thanks for the post Nadya. I agree about talking openly and age appropriately with honesty to your children. Providing them with the skills is essential, I agree.
Hopefully with education, patience and love, the cycle can be broken. Do you have children, Lea?
May the force be with you :)
Thank you for your kind comments, Paula Devi. I can only hope that with education, patience, love and understanding the cycle can be broken. For both me, the Lil Pixie, and those after her...
That is very kind. I sincerely hope so :)
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