Before the Lil Pixie was born, I had to re-evaluate my life. It was not as if I sat down with pen and paper and wrote out a list of pros and cons, it was more of a subconscious way of thinking. I barely even knew it was happening. But as she was growing inside of me, so was I. I was growing stronger, and I was becoming more of the me I used to be. But I wasn't ready to dare to be free.
Before she was born I made a promise to her that I would give her father (the Moron) one year to be a good father. I felt I owed her that. Little did I know that helped him tremendously in the eyes of the law.
But when I look back on everything, I can at least look myself in the eye, and know that it may have been naive and foolish, but I chose my path for love. The love of my child.
Ironically we split up a year to the day of her birth - I kept that promise to her and myself. Truer words were never spoken.
No one ever wants their child to know or see that their parent is a loser. No one ever wants their child to see that their parent chose something or someone else over them. But do you ever tell your child the truth?
I have always been honest with the Lil Pixie. But I choose my words carefully, and tell her no more than she needs to age appropriately know. And I respect that she has every right to have a loving relationship with her father and enjoy all that it entails. Which is why we make something for him together every father's day. It isn't about the Moron - but about her right to love whom she chooses, and not have to pick and choose or feel guilty about it.
Does the Moron deserve it? No. Does he appreciate it. Probably not. But at the end of the day - it's not about him, and truth be told it helps me to lesson the hold he has on me.
If he was smart, he would realise that I actually am his biggest ally, as I will always choose what is right for her. Does that mean I won't tell her the truth if she asks it? No. But I dare him to even once put her first. Oh well.....one could dream - but I won't hold my breath...
I guess in the end, the truth just may set me free.....if I dare to believe it...
How do you deal with your ex in relation to your children?
Surviving abuse and everything else life throws at me...
5 comments:
Dear Suzie, those are interesting questions, I keep thinking about what is right for them, but at the same time they are old enough to understand what makes them fearful , upset and weary. They know the difference between a normal father and theirs.
My second child who is 14, thinks he should be neutral, but I know he does not feel neutral and that causes him anxiety. I just tell him to be honest with himself, there's no correct way because he is not expected to act like an adult.
The youngest and oldest are more direct and less confused about what they feel.
I want to shield them in a way to prevent stress but at the same time I don't want to bias them with my feelings and cause more stress.
So I need to maintain objectivity too. For now, I decide when it's got nothing to do with his narcissism but just 'normal' parenting demands.
You are right, they have the right to 'choose to love' ... or hate, and my guiding principal to intervene is based on that they have the right to feel safe and loved.
Of course I don't tell them everything I feel or think or know... ..perhaps when they are older
Your blog has been helpful to me. Thank you
B
You sound like you are being an amazing mother. It isn't easy to put them first - especially when there are so many conflicting feeling going on in our heads...
But putting them first also means protecting them - and if that means from their father, then so it is. Allowing them to choose to feel their own feelings is difficult - especially when they lead to their pain or ours. But having them believe a candy coated dream can also be hurtful. Tough choices - and I certainly do not have all the answers. I kind of dread when the lil Pixie grows up and is able to "see" much more of the picture, "see" the Moron for who he truly is. I will do my best not to taint her view of him - but I also won't paint it a rosy picture where it isn't. truth can be multi-sided, and in the end we can just show our truth and hope they see it for what it is. Parenting is never easy, especially attempting to co-parent with a Moron - the even thought of it is a joke!!! I commend you for your strength and determination, and above all, love for your children, BM.
You sound like you are being an amazing mother. It isn't easy to put them first - especially when there are so many conflicting feeling going on in our heads...
But putting them first also means protecting them - and if that means from their father, then so it is. Allowing them to choose to feel their own feelings is difficult - especially when they lead to their pain or ours. But having them believe a candy coated dream can also be hurtful. Tough choices - and I certainly do not have all the answers. I kind of dread when the lil Pixie grows up and is able to "see" much more of the picture, "see" the Moron for who he truly is. I will do my best not to taint her view of him - but I also won't paint it a rosy picture where it isn't. truth can be multi-sided, and in the end we can just show our truth and hope they see it for what it is. Parenting is never easy, especially attempting to co-parent with a Moron - the even thought of it is a joke!!! I commend you for your strength and determination, and above all, love for your children, BM.
i don't know as i am not in your shoes, i think one of the hardest hings i see in friends abusive relationships is that they rise above, and don't badmouth the Moron, but the Moron is constantly teacher their children to mock and look down on the mother. Even after a divorce, its their way of undermining positive relationships and controlling things from afar. I know some kids go years siding with and being drawn into the manipulation of the abuser and eventually need support when they too, take off their rose colored glasses. I would never want to put my young children in a place where they have to choose between parents or feel pressure to side with one. However, with kids reaching 10, 11, 12, I would be tempted to open up more about the truth. They have a right to be taught how to recognize if they are being manipulated. How else can we teach them to not become like or be attracted to Morons except through the truth? (I think a lot about this as a have a family who struggles with these things)
I agree with you in that we need to teach our children between right and wrong. More importantly when dealing with children of Morons, is teaching them to see things for themselves. I do not say negative things about the Moron to her, but I let her know that he has different priorities and that adults too often make mistakes. I try to ask her opinion and see what she thinks to bulid those skills of seeing things for what they are and to help her not be manipulated as much. For instance, the Lil Pixie always comes back from her visits with the Moron with some very interesting information. Once she came back telling me that "Daddy said you took all his money". I dealt with this by asking her, "does Mommy have lots of money? ... do you beleive this to be true? ... does that sound like something that Mommy would do?" I think this helps her sort things out on her own without relying on what either one of us say. Should she ask me questions outright, I will not lie to her, and think it would be doing her a disservice ere I to. But I also don't degrade or bad talk him either. Abuse is a gift that keeps on giving and I am trying to provide her with tools so she will not fall into the same trap that I did.
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